REBUILD: I Am Not A Saint

My sister came to visit me yesterday when I was out vending the newspaper. My phone charger broke so she came to let me borrow one of hers since I was in her neighborhood.

I heard her call my name from the side of the street and I looked over and waved. When I grabbed my bookbag and approached her car she gave me a hurt look.

"I don't want you doing this project anymore," she said. "Do you know how you were looking out there?"

"How?"

"Pitiful. Sad. Homeless."

I laughed and said, "My whole body is hurting."

It was. We are dropped off by 7am to our posts for the day and we spend all day weaving through traffic with our buckets hoping that someone will give a handout. It is a humbling experience and yesterday, for the first time, I cried while walking through traffic.

I was thinking, "What did I do with my life? Is this what I deserve?"

I walked over to the median and leaned against the pole there and sobbed for a minute or so, ignoring the people driving by. Then I wiped my eyes and began walking and waving through the traffic as usual, my legs stinging with each step.

A black man with dreads waved me over. When I reached his window he said, "Is that you? Did I see you on the news?"

I lowered my gaze and nodded. "Yeah, that was me."

"You really did that?"

"Yes. And I'm still homeless."

"Courageous Sis," he said before dropping a few coins in my bucket.

"Thank you, sir."

To get through my day I tell myself that everyone needs my smile today to survive. When I walk through the traffic I smile brightly and wave, sending out positive energy to everyone, wishing that they all receive a miracle. I say "I love you." in my mind to each person, regardless of whether they give or not.

When I'm walking I look down at my legs and although I am in pain from walking so much I remain grateful to have legs. I'm serious. I see so many people in pain or with missing limbs that I am grateful to have all my parts and from watching the people in the homeless shelter deteriorate slowly, I am scared to think about my future as an elderly person.

From living in the homeless shelter, the main lesson I've learned is that we have to sow good seeds in life. One man I met there is in pretty bad health and he says his family told him to go fuck himself. No one wants anything to do with him and now I see why.

He's a bastard and I mean that in the most awful sense of the word. The crazy part is, he knows it. He says that he has made people cry over how he views life and the world. He has a mean streak that I haven't witnessed the fullness of, but he has said some mean things to me and about others like, "the sound of her voice makes my ass bleed." Ewww.

Apparently he's been that way, criticizing and trying to hurt people's feelings, all of his life and now that he is in need, no one wants to help him.

He said he called his brother and said, "Everyone here likes me." His brother replied by saying, "Wait until they get to know you."

Which makes me think about the type of person I am and I wonder if my last days will be filled with conversations with strangers in a down trodden homeless shelter. I don't make time for romantic relationships because I am too afraid of being taken advantage of and I have very few friends because random conversations about gossip and entertainment and foolishness don't appeal to me.

People read my writing and hear about my project and they think I'm some kind of saint. That is sooo not true. I am NOT a nice person and I am not friendly. If I met you, I'd be courteous, respectful and helpful if you need it, but I won't go out of my way to be friends and if I don't get a good vibe from you, I have no problem never speaking to you again and letting you know in the nicest way.

I have flaws that affect my entire life experience, like the mistrust I have for men, and I have anxiety that causes me to close inside my shell and live in my own imaginary world. I can be a big time bitch sometimes, especially to men. Sometimes it baffles me that they even approach me because I give off no signals to welcome them and I do not want their advances at all.

For years I've battled with the parts of myself that I know are not so pleasing and it wasn't until I began to study psychologist Carl Jung's work that I made the connection that all parts of me are equal and I must accept everything about me in order to completely say I love myself.

This doesn't mean I don't try to improve, it simply means I can stop beating myself up for not being perfect and behaving in the most graceful ways all the time.

I do believe in the theory of karma and the belief that our actions create an equal reaction through vibrations they send out. The more we criticize and demean others, the more we receive the same thing. In this sense, I'm looking back over my life and I see more good than bad. I see more triumph than struggle and although things look bleak right now, I'm waiting patiently for my karma to return.

Here's a video explaining why I'm doing this project.

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REBUILD: 14 More Businesses in 9 Days! Can I Do It?

I woke up this morning and my first thought was, "Am I really sleeping in a patio/garage? Whose car is playing that loud music?"

Then I realized that it's Memorial Day Weekend which means South Florida will see LOTS of tourists and lots of mayhem but, none of that affects my job fair which is in 9 days.

I STILL NEED 14 businesses to pledge their support to give women interviews.

How can it happen in such a short time?

Damn!

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REBUILD: A Beautiful Day

Today was such an awesome day!

I woke up to a handsome white man whispering, "Tee, you're working with me today. You need a bucket."

I half smiled and opened my eyelids. It was Dante, the shelter's resident pothead who looks like a California surfer. He's such a lover boy. Every time he speaks, he speaks with gentleness. He's in love with Jenn of course. Everyone is. She's such a darling I'd probably fall in love with her too if she wasn't already stalked by so many different men.

"What time is it?" I asked him.

"It's 5:40."

I stretched and threw off my sheet, rising from the bench where I sleep on the patio with all the men who don't follow the rules or don't raise enough money selling newspapers. I don't think sleeping out here is a punishment. It feels like I'm camping.

My mind immediately went to this website and the content that would be coming out today. "Damn, I forgot to post Erika's latest column."

I opened my laptop and snatched Erika's column from my documents, pasting it into the website content feed. Then I checked my email and a new email had come in. My eyes grew wide.

"What time can YOU make it in this morning. Anytime before 9:15."

It was the producer of one of our local radio stations. I heard back from him yesterday about interviewing me about my project but he hadn't confirmed it so I didn't think I was going.

I shook the cobwebs from my brain and began to think. Damn. I'm supposed to go vending the newspaper today but the interview is also this morning. What can I do? The spot where I'm assigned is way up in Tamarac while the radio station is right down the street.

"Goodmorning," I hear a voice to my right say.

It's Pedro, the cutie I've been flirting with. He's young and full of energy which makes him the perfect candidate to be given the business but then again, I am kind of wanting something MORE these days. I kinda want to actually be in "like" with someone so I don't flirt too much with him. I don't want to get anything started for real.

"Help me think," I say to him.

"What's up?"

I recount my dilemma and he says, "Go upstairs and ask for a bus pass and then take the bus after the interview."

Ohh. Duh!

See! My mind is filled with so much stuff to organize that I really need help THINKING sometimes.

I make the arrangements and within 45 minutes I'm walking out of the shelter to the bus stop. When I arrive at the radio station I'm a little sweaty from walking but I'm okay.

I'm standing in the lobby that is familiar to me. Two years ago my sons gave me an idea to call the radio stations in Miami and try to get hired as a personality. I didn't think it would hurt so I did. I actually got an interview with one of them but the man never contacted me again.

When the elevator door opens, guess who is there to escort me upstairs? The man who never called me back.

"You look familiar," I tell him.

"Oh really," he says. "Where do you think you know me from?"

"You're the man I came to see about 2 years ago to ask you if your station could use my gifts and talents."

"Hmmm," he said.

"Yes," I said and smiled.

Guess what? I'm here anyway and now I'm a GUEST on your competitors station!

Anyway...

So apparently Rickey Smiley has bought everyone breakfast this morning and they invite me to a huge beautiful buffet of FOOD.

If you've watched last night's video then you know I've gained weight since I've been homeless due to all the food I get to eat at the shelter.



But anyway, I ate that damn food and it was GREAT!

After I ate I was escorted to the studio and when i went to grab my camera I realized that I left the memory card at the shelter. Damn!

This would have been an awesome part of the documentary- my first radio interview!

Anyway, I chat easily with the radio host and we get the interview done quickly. He makes me laugh so much that I am still laughing as I take the bus to the street corner where I will be selling the homeless voice paper.

When I get to the spot, the other dudes are there selling the paper and I'm about 3 hours late.

"That's your corner," my captain says. "It's the ladies corner."

I peer at the street and raise my eyebrow.

An hour later I can see why he said that. For some reason, nearly EVERY car that passes by is filled with MEN.

In my super short jean shorts and toned legs, I am catching lots of attention from them and they are dropping their dollar bills in my bucket easily.

I take a couple of breaks just to ease my aching legs and when I get back on the road I continue having fun with the people in the cars. I'm teasing them, flirting with the old grand daddies and blowing kisses at the kids.

A man pulls up, looks me up and down and takes out his phone, "I have to have your phone number," he sayes

"Donation!" I say.

"Oh," he says and drops a dollar in my bucket. "May I have your phone number?"

"No. But you can have the paper. The shelter's number is on the paper, you can call there."

He looks at me with an annoyed expression. I smirk and then walk away.

An hour later I'm ready to take another break and as I pack up my bags and my water cooler, a man approaches me on foot. He's staring me right in the face.

"Do I know you?" I ask him.

"You have a bad memory," he says. "We just met."

"In traffic?" I ask him.

He nods.

Ohhh! He's the guy who asked for my phone number.

"Can you take a break now for lunch?" he asks.

"I was just about to," I tell him.

"Good," he says and shows me a plastic bag. "I brought lunch for you. I live down the street and I went home and packed you a lunch."

Wow.

"Let's go sit inside of Wendy's and talk," he says.

"Fine with me," I say.

We walk and sit down in Wendy's and the air is stifling in there. While I charge my phone he's telling me about himself, that he's single and a nice guy and blah blah blah. He made me a nice turkey sandwhich and an apple and a MANGO and some lemonade. He's so sweet!

We actually have a good conversation and by the end we're laughing like we've known each other for a while. He says he has a connection for a business for my job fair.

"You could have a better job by tomorrow if you'd like," he tells me.

"I'm not working in an OFFICE," I tell him. "I have other things to do."

"Ok, OK," he says.

He walks me back to my corner and we part ways. I did take his number and I WILL call him to get the contact for the jobs for women. I hope he was being sincere and not just trying to pick me up.

I didn't make as much money as I usually do but today was fun because the guys I worked the corner with were super cool. I'm going out with them again tomorrow.

Anyway, I feel good. I'm so tired. It feels good writing like this again.

I have more to say but it'll have to wait. Be sure to visit my youtube channel for any videos you may have missed.

~hugs~

Tee

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REBUILD: The Last Resort Homeless Shelter

I have been a resident at the Homeless Voice shelter in Hollywood, Florida for over a month. I became homeless on purpose on April 11, 2011 in order to teach the readers of my women’s empowerment website that they can overcome their biggest fear of losing everything. I wanted to show them how to survive an extreme life transition or loss by researching and exposing survival skills, resources and the mental strategies for success. I gave away everything that I owned and terminated my lease so that there would be no turning back once I began this project. I planned to catalogue my journey to rebuilding my life and pull other women with me by organizing a job fair specifically for homeless women.

I planned to sleep in a park but was told by the police that I couldn’t sleep there. I wandered over to the Homeless Voice Homeless Shelter and asked for help. They gave me dinner and a mat to sleep on. I’ve been sleeping here ever since.

While I am here I have had the opportunity to speak with many of the residents about their lives in the shelter. These are not your average crisis transition homeless people. Most residents of the Homeless Voice Homeless Shelter, have made the reformed motel their home.

It wasn’t my plan to explore homelessness, my plan was to showcase how to rise from it, but what I’ve learned shocked me and enlightened me; homelessness is actually a lifestyle for many.

How can homelessness become a lifestyle? It seems to be a plateau that many can rest in or rise from, depending on their personal desire. It becomes a lifestyle once the homeless person becomes comfortable in understanding that there is little responsibility and surprisingly, there are more compassionate people in the world that care about those who they deem less fortunate.

I have stood on the median for 8 hours a day, clad in my bright yellow vest, holding my donation bucket. I smile and I wave and I ask for donations and many empty their ash trays full of change into my bucket. Most days I collect at least $100. People care. Many people do. Entire agencies are built around the promise of helping the less fortunate, but none do it to the degree that the Homeless Voice Shelter does.

Most of the residents of the Homeless Voice shelter are disabled, mentally ill or drug & alcohol addicted. Some of the residents are simply down on their luck and in need of a place to recuperate after an extreme loss. As I sit here and look around, I realize that these are the misfits of society. No other shelter will have them. No program will help them. They can not re enter society’s workforce on a consistent basis for a number of reasons. They either lack the physical or mental capacity, they have been aged out of their professions or they cannot find an opportunity to work due to a past criminal history. Of course, there are those whose recreational addictions take priority over their personal well-being.

These are the people who have fallen into the cracks of society. Their families have turned their backs on them due to the extreme demands of caring for a person with mental illness or substance addictions. They can’t afford to live in an assisted living facility on the disability and SSI checks they receive. Their lack of insurance won’t afford them the medical attention they need.

They sit and wallow in their misfortune day in and day out, smoking cigarettes and bickering like jealous siblings. They can’t rise up out of this situation, they have no idea how. Who cares for them? The community does and Sean Canonie does. I’ve watched him go into his personal wardrobe and pull out clothes for a young man who is overweight and can’t find anything in the donations bin that will fit him. I have seen him provide shelter to desperate families who need a safe place to sleep at night.

I have heard that many question what the shelter does with the money from the able bodied vendors who are required to sell the newspapers on the corners. I have heard that there is speculation about what really goes on in the shelter. I’m not surprised. People have a tendency to criticize and reject the unfamiliar. Most people refuse to see the good in life. That is the difference between myself and most others- I am always on the look out for miracles.

From what I’ve seen, the mission to rescue has been fully realized by this shelter.

There is a miracle in this mess and Sean Canonie, regardless of his flaws and inconsistencies, is holding the magic wand.

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EDITORIAL: There Is No Timetable On Education Goals

by Erika Martin

Education Columnist

When I first started my journey towards getting my high school diploma this year, at the age of 34, there was a part of me that felt a little embarrassed. I felt like I had to put a disclaimer in every conversation that I had to explain why I didn't have a real high school diploma. I felt like people would just assume that I'd quit school in my teens. Then I felt like people might wonder how I'm able to run my business without a college degree.

It wasn't long into the process of the Vermont Adult Diploma Program and telling people what I was doing that I had my moment of awakening. People were proud of me. They were inspired by what I was doing. They congratulated me. They were excited to hear that I was reaching out and grabbing a hold of something that had eluded me for almost 2 decades. They wanted to know what I would pursue after I had gotten my diploma. My embarrassment quickly slipped away when I realized that there was nothing for me to be embarrassed about.

I'm not embarrassed that I'm working towards a higher education. We are always in a state of learning, no matter what age we are. I'm not embarrassed that I'm 34 years old and finally getting my high school diploma. I believe that there's a time for everything and this was the right time for me to get my diploma. I'm not embarrassed that I'm going to be starting college in the fall. I'm at a stage in my life in which I know, without a shadow of doubt, what it is I'm called to do. My life's calling has been made clear over the past 20 years and now is the time when it's all coming together and when it all meant to. I'm not embarrassed that I've built a successful business for myself without a high school diploma. I'm proud of that accomplishment and it only goes to show that we can turn our dreams into reality regardless of some of the obstacles in our way.

I've been asked to be one of the speakers at the graduation ceremony in a couple of weeks and I've been thinking about what I could share that would tell my story and also be an inspiration to others. In so many areas of life, especially in this country, society is bent on trying to keep up with everyone else. Society tends to frown upon those of us that have waited, for whatever reason, to get a high school diploma, a GED or even in waiting to go on to college. There seems to be an unspoken rule that these things need to be done on a specific timetable. Graduate at 18 years old, go straight on to college and graduate at 22 and perhaps go on to earn another degree right away. I want people to know that they have their own timetable and don't have to succumb to the "social norms." Those of us that have waited until now have reasons for doing so. Some were in our control and some were not. Regardless of the reasons, we are taking control and we are doing it in the timing that is right for us and that is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is something to be celebrated and embraced. We should be proud of ourselves and excited for what this steps means for our present and our future. We should congratulate ourselves. I am.

About the columnist:

Erika Martin was withheld from attaining her high school diploma and a higher education due to living in a spiritually abusive upbringing. She is currently working towards attaining her high school diploma and plans to pursue a degree in Psychology after graduation this June. Erika will highlight relevant news and information that relates to education as well as chronicle her journey toward her diploma.

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Hillary Clinton Launches "Muslim Civilization" Science Exhibition

Opening May 27th at the California Science Center with a Special Message

LOS ANGELES, May 25, 2011 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- U.S. Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, launched an award-winning exhibition about scientific achievements from the Golden Age of Muslim Civilization, with a special video message at the California Science Center in Los Angeles. The 1001 Inventions exhibition, which has attracted more than 1 million visitors over the past year during an international tour, opened for a VIP launch day on May 25th attended by LA County Sheriff Lee Baca and Ambassadors from LA-based foreign consulates.

In her pre-recorded message, Secretary Clinton praised the work of the 1001 Inventions initiative for "celebrating a millennium of science and innovation in the Muslim world," and described the launch of the exhibition as "an exciting day."

Mrs. Clinton remarked that "the Muslim world has a proud history of innovators" and highlighted the achievements of pioneers like Fatima Al-Fihri, who founded the world's first modern university, and master engineer Al-Jazari, who created the crank mechanisms that drive every plane, train and automobile on the planet.

Prof. Salim Al-Hassani, Chairman of 1001 Inventions, commented, "We're honored that Secretary Clinton agreed to launch our exhibition here at one of the most prestigious science museums in the world. California Science Center has an international reputation for excellence in providing engaging and entertaining science experiences for young and old alike.

"The goal of 1001 Inventions is to highlight the astounding contribution that Muslim civilization has made in the fields of science, technology, engineering and mathematics and how those advances still affect our lives today. More than a million people have already visited the 1001 Inventions exhibition during the first year of its global tour and that is the greatest endorsement we could ever hope for."

The 1001 Inventions exhibition is currently on a five-year global tour, sponsored by ALJ Community Initiatives. Following blockbuster runs in London, Istanbul and New York, it will open to the public at the California Science Center, in Los Angeles, on May 27, 2011 for a seven-month run. The exhibition explores the scientific contributions made by men and women during the Golden Age of Muslim Civilization. Through interactive displays, guests will explore basic science principles that are often taken for granted, in such fields as optics, time-keeping, hydraulics, navigation, architecture and mathematics.

1001 Inventions highlights the contributions of scholars from a diverse region stretching from Spainthrough China during the 7th to 17th centuries. Visitors will discover how scholars from this region, of various faiths and cultures, preserved, nurtured, and advanced the world's knowledge in science and technology.

The 1001 Inventions exhibition was recently crowned "Best Touring Exhibition" of the year at the annual Museums and Heritage Excellence Awards in London – considered by many to be the "Oscars" of the Museum world – fighting off stiff competition from some of the world's biggest names in exhibitions.

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Oprah: The Chosen One

I am not an Oprah Winfrey fanatic like most women I know. I was in school when her shows were on television and I never jumped on the band wagon frankly because I was too busy trying to survive and understand myself.

I heard great and wonderful things about her show and her career. I even managed to study her life quite a bit as I studied the great leaders and movers of my time. I was impressed by her natural ability to connect with people and I always wondered what she had, that I didn't have. I wondered what it would be like to have a bit of that magic.

I think I felt a personal connection with Oprah's life story around the time that I began to transform spiritually. It's funny how her endorsement of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth made me pay attention to her messages. I saw that Oprah had began the journey to enlightenment. Gone were the days when her message was solely one of upliftment. I saw in her what most extremely successful people seek, an understanding of themselves.

When you accomplish every dream you ever had, then what? When you exceed your own expectations for life then what? When you can buy and sell small countries, then what? What's left to conquer? What's left to reach for? I know, you reach for understanding. You wonder about the truth of the mysteries of life and the world.

You wonder about your own powers. You wonder why others can't tap into those same things. you wonder if maybe you were just lucky or what your life would have been like if you were different. You realize that you aren't really special but then again, you wonder what set you apart.

I believe Oprah came to that point and she was still searching for that fulfillment that only comes with complete self acceptance and the true understanding that, we will never understand anything. It's best to simply adopt beliefs that make you feel good and try your best to be happy every day.

I watched her show's finale as a spectator who is not really impressed by fame and it didn't move me as much as I thought it would. The legacy she has built and the amount of people she has aided through her fame and fortune made me tear up, but that is because I can only DREAM of giving a portion of the aid she has given. It felt like a glimpse into my future.

I want to give that same help to women.

I want to give it through this website and other foundations and organizations. I'm shaking my head as I type this because it all seems so unrealistic as I sit here in the homeless shelter, desperately hoping that more businesses will partner with me to make my job fair a success.

I'm just one woman giving a nod to a living legend who is being celebrated for sharing her gifts with the world.

Oprah: The Chosen One

I bet she had no idea she would become who she has become. None of us do.

Surprise. Surprise.

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Your World News Report - May 25, 2011

Berlyne Julmis

New Coordinator

Protester Disrupts Prime Minister of Israel

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel addressed U.S. Congress in Washington D.C. affirming Israel is ready to comprise with Palestine. During his speech an unnamed woman interrupted the Prime Minister speech yelling in protest. She was then escorted out by U.S. Capital Police outside the building--she was heard screaming “Equal Rights for Palestine” from outside the chamber. Prime Minister Netanyahu was given a standing ovation after he credited the U.S. for having “Real Democracy” where protesters can also have a say.

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President Mandela Returns

Former President Nelson Mandela of South Africa returned to his native village in Johannesburg. This is Nelson Mandela first trip since he was hospitalized with an acute respiratory infection in January. Luvuyo Mandela, great grandson of Nelson Mandela, says Mandela is in good health--as this trip was proof of great progress to his recovery.

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Volcanic Ash May Cause 100,00 Flights to Cancel

Flights cancelled after Volcanic Ash hits the air in several European countries after Iceland Grimsvotn Volcano erupted. Officials have advised airlines to ground flights, but ultimately the decision was up to each airline. President Obama was forced to shorten his trip in Ireland due to strong ash clouds. A total of 100,000 flights maybe canceled after six days of flight disruption.

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Tornadoes Continue to Attack

Tornadoes continue to ravage the U.S.--118 confirmed dead in Sunday’s tornado attacks in Joplin, Missouri. Officials are having a difficult time to search for possible survivors due to persistent bad weather and gas leaks, but responders are committed in their search. Many have lost their homes and businesses. On Tuesday afternoon Tornadoes hit Oklahoma after National Weather Service reported there was a 45 percent chance tornadoes may hit Kansas, Oklahoma, Dallas, and even Joplin yet again. There are reports of one casualty and many injured in today’s tornado attacks in Oklahoma--total damages, death, and injured is yet unknown.

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REBUILD: In The Midst Of This

So I can't sleep. I have no idea why. I woke up around 8am. Oh that's probably why.

Usually we have to wake up by 5am so those extra hours must have given me an extra boost. I went out today looking for businesses and was surprised when I get one. It's hot on the bus. It's hot sitting on the corners waiting for the buses.

I'm on the fence now with my money. I realize the difference between this month and last month is the fact that I am now more focused on my project rather than the homeless lifestyle. That is why I am moving forward in my goals much easier.

I now have 16 businesses that have pledged to give homeless women and women in distress a chance at employment. I ask them to promise that if I call them they will at least offer an interview to the women I refer.



Today I received a phone call.

"Hello," I said.

"Hello," a woman said and paused. "Is this the woman who helps women in distress?"

I gulped, "Yes. That's me. How can I help you?"

I almost cried at that moment.

Am I really the woman who HELPS?



Is that ME?

Wow!

Who'd have thought. I dream of being that woman, the woman that other women come to for help. I have to figure out how to help myself.

I don't know.

I know all the ways that don't work out for me but I don't know what DOES work. Yes, I do. I know that when I'm working on this website, managing writers, doing interviews and writing inspiration, I feel alive and FREE. I know that when I'm doing investigative work trying to find ways to help women I feel purposed. I know that when I'm making videos and being creative my soul feels fulfilled.

But none of that has helped me so far. I've been making videos on youtube since 2007. I've been writing long before that. I have ebooks and even a print book for sale yet, none of it seems to mean anything right now.

Or does it mean something and I just can't see it yet?

Oh. There's a man in here who is in love. It's nothing new, it happens all the time. But the woman he loves, well, she's the 2nd woman he's been in love with since I got here. He's making me jealous because he's able to experience love on more than one occasion.



He loves easily but he loves sincerely. He loves hard. I enjoy listening to stories about their conversations and interactions and now he's even dreaming of one day getting out and doing something else so he can be with her. I hadn't heard him talk like that before.

To me it sounds like an addiction. Homelessness can be an addiction, because it becomes a comfortable trap. In order to kick the addiction, there must be something you want more than THIS.

I flirted with a guy online tonight. It felt so fake. Seeing how men react to me now that I'm homeless has really gotten to me. I used to think men thought of me as disgusting in secret but now it has come to the surface and it hurts.

I am NOT disgusting. I take showers everyday. I wear clean clothes all the time too. You don't have to be smelly just because you're homeless. Most homeless people who look like that do it on purpose. One woman told me, it makes people ignore her and not bother her, which is why she does it.

On the way to speak with one of the businesses that partnered with me, I saw the gate to the radio station open. I went inside and spoke with the receptionist and she gave me an email to a contact to get my job fair announced on air. I hope it works. If it happens, I may be able to get the rest of the 14 businesses I need to finally complete this project.

I'm almost out of money too. Because I focus on my project more than collecting donations on the street corners, my funds are dwindling.

I need another donation, or a job. The job fair costs money. I can't work a job and do this project but something has to give because going out to find businesses takes money too.

I asked the Universe for help today and I'm at peace that it will come. I am just as peaceful as my friends are about this project. None of them worry about me at all which makes me laugh and frustrates me a little. "You always bounce back," they tell me. "I don't worry about you at all."

I dreamt about Kanye and my other imaginary boyfriend last night. Ofcourse Kanye was into some other chick, as he usually is when I dream of him but at least he spoke to me and smiled at me as we stood in an art studio doing fingerpainting. My other imaginary boyfriend, well, i forced him to make out with me and he tried to run but I caught him and threw him down on the bed and we rolled around kissing and laughing. I was relieved to know that he is okay.

I spoke to my kids today. They had tales of school, girls and fighting with each other. My older son is exasperated with me, I can tell, but he lets it go. I'm not a regular mom. I've never been. The truth is, my sons are better off living with their father for now while I figure out just how I can use my talents to sustain myself. I have no clue.

It's tough having an artist's heart and having responsibilities. I either feel like I'm dieing and take care of my responsibilities or feel FREE and ALIVE as I create and evolve as a leader, enduring hunger pains along the way.

Oh yeah, I spoke with my friend Anna today. After I updated my facebook page about my new number of businesses, a couple of people wrote about how I inspire them and they are proud of me.

"How can I be an inspiration?" I asked Anna. "When I think of inspiration I think of Harriet Tubman and Oprah. Those are people to aspire to be like."

"When I think of inspiration I don't think of Harriet Tubman," Anna said. "I think of everyday people I know who do things that I admire."

"Hm, I wonder why I don't admire everyday people," I asked.

"You admire people like Harriet Tubman because that's where you are going," Anna explained.

Is that it?

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REBUILD: Personality Flaws?

I know for a fact that my personality is different from most inspirational leaders. I'm trying to teach AS I grow, not after I've conquered the battle. Things look a little differently from this perspective and I hope you can appreciate my transparency.

I do not know what I am doing.

Do you REALLY get that?

I'm exactly where you are during your life transition. I'm frustrated. I'm cranky. I'm annoyed. I want out. Today I thought to myself, "Thank goodness the world is round because if it was flat, I'd jump right off the edge."

I am exhausted by this project but really it isn't just a project, it's my attempt to let you in on a period that many go through, one that I've gone through many, MANY times.

Who hasn't?

Who hasn't found themselves right smack in the middle of an extreme transition and looked around wondering what's going to happen next? Who hasn't taken a risk and wondered if it were worth it? Who hasn't tried to make life better for themselves and while in the midst of the transformation felt lonely and unsuccessful. I feel ALL of these things right now.

Yes, I am experiencing some success as the responses from the community becomes greater, however, that still doesn't give me a CLUE as to how I will actually rebuild my own life.

Is that a flaw?

Is my ability to see the big picture, come up with a GREAT idea and then jump in head first not knowing how I'll land some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain?

How did the great leaders do it?

How dare President Obama think that he could make it to the White House when no one of his color had ever done it before?

How dare Harriet Tubman dream of freedom and risk her life to gain it not even knowing if it would be worth it?

How dare Queen Elizabeth forsake her own desire for love and romance for the sake of leading her country?

How in the WORLD did I have the guts to lose everything ON PURPOSE and think I can just rebuild my life like that?

And futhermore, how in the WORLD do I think that I'll be able to TOUR THE COUNTRY by myself with no money and no invitations to speak?

What kind of person does those things?

What kind of person just dreams a big dream and then walks toward it as though it is promised without any kind of support system?

Who the hell do I think I am?

Maybe it's a gift?

I don't know. Whether it's a flaw or a gift, it's all ME.

I had to learn to accept that.

SINK OR SWIM!

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EDITORIAL: Advertising of Self Image

By Christina Fermin

Politics & Society Columnist

Women being unhappy with their self image does not surprise me anymore. I am sometimes even unhappy with my own self image, sometimes thinking “I have to lose weight” or “I need to work out,” even though I know that I am not overweight or anywhere near it. I got into my car the other day and turned the radio on since I forgot my ipod and my phone was on the verge of dying, I was disgusted by the amount of self image commercials; from rejuvenation services, to liposuction, to botox injections, diet fads, breast enlargement services and the list can go on.

I notice that whenever I watch television, stand in line at the grocery store, listen to the radio or pick up some random magazine to read, I begin to think to myself “Man I wish I had that body.” It’s amazing how advertising affects the mind to think this way, and it is no wonder why so many women are unhappy with the way that they look. But to go as far as doing a surgical procedure to alter your body when there is nothing wrong with it in the first place, in my opinion, goes too far. Since I have limited television, radio, and commercial exposure I have noticed that those thoughts do not enter my head nearly as much as they use to.

I have learned to be happy with myself because I am healthy, normal weight for my height and I take an active part in taking care of myself, mind and body. I may not have the six pack abs that I so often see in magazines and television, but that’s okay. Whenever I come across young teens I try to exemplify the fact that they are beautiful and to notice it, I also tell them not to pay attention to the models, actresses, magazine pinups and commercials because to attain that body image is almost near impossible for many of us, especially when you get older, without developing an eating disorder. I am constantly telling that to my teenage sister who is surrounded by fads, commercials, and heavy advertising. I always tell her she is beautiful even though she doesn’t always believe me, I always tell her to take care of herself now because she will regret it later in life.

I do not know if I get through to her or she fully understands what I say to her, but I hope that one day she will hit an “ah-ha” moment and understand what I mean. When I am out in public, that seems to be topic of many conversations and I think to myself, “This country is falling apart, there are several wars, and political unrest and you are talking about self image.” I wish that I could sometimes take these people and shake them and say “You are fine, there is nothing wrong with you, you are beautiful.” I really wish there was not so much attention put on how women looked. If marketing campaigns were aimed at your intelligence rather than superficial materialistic objects, imagine where we would be as a society.

If you are truly unhappy with yourself, the best fix is dieting and exercising. Quick fixes are exactly that, quick and never last very long. Through eating more nutritiously and exercising you not only change your self image, but you change the way you think about yourself and the outside world, significantly altering your lifestyle for the better. I know we can all get caught up with our lives and the people we are surrounded by, so don’t forget to always take time for yourself and do an activity that’s just for you. By always making sure you put aside time for yourself you can be happier and never regret wishing you could have done something. We have to remember at the end of the day, beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, what is beautiful to one person is not always beautiful to another. We cannot take what the media deems as beautiful and try to apply it to all women, we already know one size does not fit all, so don’t forget you are beautiful just the way you are.

Peace & Love,

Christina

About the Columnist

With a bachelors degree in political science from Florida Atlantic University, Christina Fermin has always cultivated her love for history, politics, sociology, ancient knowledge and teachings, the outdoors, the ocean and the environment. Christina strives to make our world better by helping us all create a new reality and understanding of all taking place here and now.

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Rebuild Your Life Job Fair: Dianna Loves To Please Customers

Name: Dianna Perry

Age: 46

Education: High School Diploma

Work Experience: KMart Customer Service/Cashier, Winn Dixie Cashier/Trainer

Business Strengths: Customer Service, Great personality

Aspires to Become: Supervisor at grocery store

Describes herself as: Nice, big hearted, focused

Employee Promise: I promise to give 110% if you hire me and always perform to the best of my ability.

Meet Dianna at the Rebuild Your Life Job Fair to be held June 6th. To participate please email RebuildYourLife@MySavvySisters.Com.

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