Final Thoughts About The Rebuild Your Life Project

I chatted with a friend who lives overseas via skype tonight.

She made me smile and laugh as she recounted stories of love, frustration and lust in French. I tried to explain the ramifications of completing a project like the one I am completing and she encouraged me by saying that she thinks I am trying to process everything and then once I gain some sense of normalcy, I'll come up with a plan to make this project be a benefit to me.

Ok.

~cracking knuckles~

Right now, in all honesty I feel like I'm more fucked up in the head than before. I used to be so naiive and trusting, thinking people were generally good but because of the overwhelming negative experiences I've had with people during this project, I now believe that people are more bad than good.

I look at myself and what I attempted to do and how I failed at it and I'm amazed that I tried and stuck it through.

I'm assessing myself and my dreams and what I felt like I was capable of before I began this project. I'm a journalist by nature, not just because I have a degree. I documented my process creatively and I'm proud of that. I organized a job fair all by myself and hosted it, even though it was a flop. I attempted to counsel the women and men I met. I attempted to bring some sort of joy to the homeless shelter where I lived. I attempted to become one of the crowd, to think like the homeless do and to enjoy their activities, habits and dispositions, keeping myself in line with my own personal boundaries of course.

I did all that.

I raised money for a rental assistance grant. I marketed the give-away and conducted it all by myself.

I did all that and then I was hired by two jobs and began working to support myself with very little rest.

I did all that.

I did all that and discovered that the dreams I have to become an international inspirational journalist, author and speaker don't really matter. By meeting the people who have become content in the homeless lifestyle it taught me that happiness shouldn't depend on THINGS. Happiness can be created anywhere and SHOULD be created everywhere.

I am still the same person I was before, just a bit more paranoid and anti-social because now I know that people do not have good intentions. I need some more time to heal from that revelation.

I am not a friendly person. I enjoy taking care of others. I take joy in serving people as a waitress and I can be content with that. I am not a person that most people enjoy being around because of my inability to conform to social norms and expectations and the fact that I am not phony. Phony people despise me. I am content with that. I am not a person that will experience real "I know you and I love you because of who you are" type of love and I am okay with that.

I am the woman you admire from afar because up close is too much to handle. I am content with that.

I am nothing.

Really.

And that's not a bad thing.

I will no longer stress over who I thought I should be and what I should be able to accomplish. For the men and women who have learned or have been encouraged by my videos and messages, I am glad that you have taken something positive from my inner turmoil. I hope it stays with you forever. My hope, sincerely, is to teach women to be better than me. I hoped to teach women how not to be like I am and to find peace with who they are and to understand their power and not be taken advantage of or feel less than because they have not achieved. I put so much pressure on myself that I hated myself for not being able to achieve. I made myself miserable chasing some idea of perfection that I didn't even create for myself.

I am nothing and I'm okay with that.

If I am nothing and I did ALL of this then you can be nothing too and you can be okay with where you are in each phase of your life. Want more for yourself, but realize that if you don't get it, you are still okay. Go for your dreams but realize that if you fall on your face you are still okay. Love hard and with everything in you and realize that if it is not returned it's okay.

It's okay to be nothing. You are perfection in your imperfection. Take the pressure off of yourself by trying to have the biggest house, the best car, the perfect family. Be nothing. Be imperfect. Let your soul glow.

My soul says:

I have too many inconsistencies and imperfections to count.

I never fit into any social system.

Most people who meet me end up hating me.

Every man who gets to know me, hates me.

I have never been loved for an extended period of time.

I do not live the lifestyle of a success.

With ALL of this, I am still going to keep living and smiling and appreciating me. I will keep serving my customers and trying to be a good servant to others. I accept those things I can not change and I may try to work on those things I can, if I feel like it.

I've been to the bottom. It hurt. I could end up there again.

I survived it.

I can do it again.

In the end, I'll live to tell the story again.

I bless you and I thank you for following along with this journey. If you want to read more of my emotionally charged writing and check in on my life you can always stop by my personal blog which I have been writing since 2003.

All my best wishes for your acceptance and appreciation of yourself, flaws and all.

In Love,

Te-Erika

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They Touch A Lot

They kiss a lot. They play a lot. They touch a lot.

They take care of each other.

Yesterday my housemate came out in the backyard while I was there and she and I started talking. She was a little frustrated about her job and then she told other stories of frustrating work situations.

"I had to run out of there and drive straight to James and fall into his arms crying," she described after one of the work related horror stories.

That one sentence echoed in my heart long after she had gone to bed. Imagine, someone to run to when things become overwhelming. Imagine someone caring about you just as much as they care for themselves. Imagine not having to ASK someone to be concerned for you, they just are. Imagine someone willing to take up the slack for your weak points.

I live here in this cozy house and I get to see true love in action. I've watched very closely for his attitude because the last time I had roommates who were a couple he used to hit her. I don't think this man I'm living with now is like that. I can't imagine him even raising his voice. He likes to grill, doesn't even drink beer and cleans the kitchen after dinner.

"I manifested him," she told me. "He's everything I ever wanted."

I wonder how long I'll be living here. I hope that while I'm here he'll continue to be an example of real love. I'm never jealous when I witness a man treating a woman with care and concern. I need to see it. I live to see it. I marinate in thoughts of it as long as I can as proof that there are good men in the world.

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Aug. 21 is 'National Go Topless Day!'

LAS VEGAS, August 18, 2011 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- With the slogan, "Topless equal rights for all or none," Gotopless(.org) is summoning men across America to cover their chests on Aug. 21 in the name of equal rights.

On that day, for the fourth consecutive year, the U.S.-based organization will stage a national Go Topless Day protest to proclaim a woman's constitutional right to go bare-chested in public. During the protest, while participating women go bare, male participants will cover their chests with bikini tops or bras to proclaim equal rights for both genders.

Sound ridiculous?

"It's no more ridiculous than women having to wear tops at all time in this double-standard, topless battle that's being waged in public and in the courts," said Nadine Gary, president of Gotopless(.org).

For Rael, spiritual leader of the Raelian Movement and founder of Gotopless(.org), the equation is simple: "As long as men can go topless, either women should have the same constitutional right or men should also be forced to wear something that hides their chests."

"We will force men to legally cover up if women can't go bare," agreed Gary, who is also a Raelian priestess. "After 4 years, our national protests are starting to bear fruit, for a growing number of women across the country are reaching out to us. They're beginning to feel empowered by our demonstrations and the constitutional message we bring."

Gary noted that women in more and more U.S. cities are starting to exercise their constitutional topless right. New York City is a prime example, but smaller cities are also joining in, she said.

"On the legal side, we're happy to report that Madison, WI just passed a city ordinance in favor of topless rights after several topless women were arrested during World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR). But our larger goal is to bring about legal change at the national level. As part of our national topless march inWashington, D.C., next year, we will submit petitions with thousands of signatures to President Obama."

Gary said a shift of mindset concerning topless rights is under way across North America.

"Women are rejecting shameful, puritanical values about their bodies, nudity and breasts," she said, adding that such sentiments have recently been echoed in other social protests, including "Slutwalk," which Gotopless(.org) fully embraces.

For the Raelian Movement that sponsors Gotopless(.org), nudity has always been a non-issue.

The Raelian philosophy states that life on Earth was the result of scientific creation by the Elohim, an advanced, extraterrestrial human civilization mistaken for gods in the Bible.

"They created us in their image very scientifically, through genetic engineering," Gary said. "So how can the human body, a masterpiece, be perceived with shame?"

She said Go Topless Day is always held at the end of August to honor Women's Equality Day, Aug. 26, which commemorates the American passage of women's right to vote on Aug. 26, 1920.

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Your World News Report - August 18, 2011

Berlyne Julmis

News Coordinator

Teen Plot to Bomb School Prevented

Jared Cano, 17, was arrested in Tampa, Florida for plotting to set off deadly explosives on the first day of school. Cano was expelled from Freedom High School last year for inappropriate behavior and planned on getting revenge by targeting to kill two assistant principals and approximately 30 of his former classmates. Cano’s plot was averted when police received an anonymous call unveiling Cano’s plan. Chief Jane Castor of the Tampa Police Department stated detectives uncovered drawings detailing areas where Cano had planned to position pipe bombs and a minute by minute attack schedule--Cano also contained supplies needed to create pipe bomb detonator. Cano has refused to speak to officers since his arrest and will be represented in court by a public defender. Officials have stated they believe that Cano would have carried out his plan alone, but are taking precautions the first day of school and placing more officers on campus.

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Ecuadorian Police to Take Lie Detector Test to Cease Corruption

Police Officers in Ecuador are being forced to take lie detector test in hopes of rooting out corruption in the Ecuadorian police force. Under the new anti-corruption procedures officers will have to declare all their assets which will help illuminate corrupted officers. Police officers protested against the new procedures and cuts to their benefits. The protest turned violent and President Correa after being tear-gas and held for several hours in a hospital had to be rescued by the military. The police force is now under command of President Correa’s administration. General Alulema stated 300 officers who were suspended for alleged corruption have been reinstated by judges for judicial irregularities. In the attempt to cease corruption, officers who condemn corrupted officers will be rewarded with in incentive.

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A Duchess in Love

Maria Del Rosario Cayetanna Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fits-James Stuart y de Silva, The Duchess of Alba, 85 of Spain agrees to give up her billion dollar fortune away for love. The Duchess six children a from her first marriage family do not support her decision to marry Alfonso Diez, 61, who is a civil government worker. The king of Spain called the duchess advising the Duchess against marrying Diez. The Duchess has agreed to give away her fortune to her children and grandchildren to prove to them her relationship is pure. The duchess has stated her children all are divorced and they should not care who she marries. Diez had agreed to sign legal documents preventing him from any claim to the Duchess wealth.

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Vice President Biden visits China to discuss the US debt rating and economy. Vice President Biden visit is to convince the Chinese that President Obama has a handle on the economy and deficit. China is biggest foreign creditor for the U.S. Future Chinese President Xi and Vice President Biden is expected to sit down and tale about the strengthening of the U.S. economy. Vice President Biden visit will lead President Xi visit to Washington.

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EDITORIAL: World Oceans in Peril

By Christina Fermin

Politics & Society Columnist

If you have ever been out on the boat in the middle of the Ocean, you will understand its beauty and vastness. I myself love that big blue, the Ocean is my home. Growing up in the Florida Keys I learned not only to appreciate the Ocean, but to respect it. Today we know more about the moon than we do our own Oceans, we find new species in the Oceans all the time, including species thought to be extinct or urban legends. Underwater it is a world of its own, a world of beauty and wonder. Today that big blue is in trouble, deep terrible trouble. If we do not take rapid action, we will see dramatic effects in the water and on land as well. Remember, water accounts for over 71% of the Earth’s surface, with only about 3% of that water being drinking water.

Today the Oceans are threatened by pollution, overfishing, acidification, climate change, loss of habitat as well as other problems that are precursors for mass extinction which is already beginning. In all the major Oceans there are garbage mounds, the most famous is in the Pacific Ocean, known as the The Great Garbage Patch, which sits between Hawaii and San Francisco. The garbage patch is about the size of Texas and contains about 3.5 tons of garbage, mostly plastic. Today there are 5 garbage patches located in the Pacific, Atlantic and Indian Oceans. Every year these garbage patches grow larger and more deadly for the wildlife, which in turn turns deadly for us who eat the fish.

Overfishing is simply catching too much fish. Today we consume about 100 million tons of fish each year. Of the 100 tons, less than 50% of the fish that are consumed come from fish farms. If we continue at this rate our Oceans will be lifeless in less than 25 years. 90% of predatory fish are gone due to overfishing. Everything in the Ocean serves a purpose, when one fails it threatens the whole system from Algae, to Coral Reefs, Small fish and large. Ocean acidification is a bit more complicated, but is basically a decrease of the PH levels in the oceans. Because of this change in balance coral reefs are dying, there are changes in species as well as the growth of more algae which have created low oxygen and dead zones, which in turn threaten species.

The problems with our Oceans are difficult to describe, and because of all these different problems they are even more difficult to solve. The first step in taking care of this and creating a solution is awareness. The more people are aware of how their actions effect the rest of the world the more that can be done to stop the problems from reoccurring and the faster WE can come up with a solution. All drains lead to the Ocean, so whatever you dump in your sink, toilet, stream, river, creek will end up in one of the major Oceans. While we are the culprits, so are the corporations that surround the water systems. They often times dump undesirable chemicals, waste and other unknowns into the water systems to get rid of their waste cheaper. 100 years ago one could go into any fresh water lake, stream, creek or river and drink the water, today you better think twice before doing so.

So I’m sure your thinking, what can I do? Use less plastic, a lot of plastic ends up in the Ocean, and plastic is not biodegradable, nor is it Earth friendly. It’s flat out bad for you and bad for the environment, if there is an alternative go with it. Stop using that plastic bottle and invest in a filter and a reusable water bottle. Do not dump your old or expired medication in the sink or toilet. That will eventually end up in the Oceans and your drinking water causing all sorts of havoc. Practices such as mountain top removal mining or fracking for natural gas does a lot of damage to our waters, sign the petitions out there and let your voice be heard against these barbaric outdated practices, contact Congress. Be cautious what fish you eat and be make sure they are not fishes that are endangered, such as Blue Fin Tuna. The information is out there, just look. One person may not be able to do much, but the combination of us all can do a lot.

Peace & Harmony,

Christina

About the Columnist

With a bachelors degree in political science from Florida Atlantic University, Christina Fermin has always cultivated her love for history, politics, sociology, ancient knowledge and teachings, the outdoors, the ocean and the environment. Christina strives to make our world better by helping us all create a new reality and understanding of all taking place here and now.

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REBUILD: All I Need

My son's 11th birthday was 2 days ago.

I got to spend it with him and his brother. They came over to my house and we went to Denny's and had dessert and then walked over to the movies to see The Smurfs. We came back home and cuddled until we all fell asleep. I slept ALL night, which is unusual for me but Whenever I'm with my boys, for some reason, I can rest.

Then we woke up this morning and went to the beach. It was the PERFECT beach day! The water was shallow and the waves weren't high. We played around on the coast for a while then we picked a restaurant at random and my son chose the seafood pizza which was very awesome because he usually doesn't like to try new things. The pizza was spectacular! I can still taste it right now. OMG! I'd love some more! Then I let them rent those unicycle bicycle type things to ride up and down the boardwalk while I took a nap.

We grabbed icecream cones before taking the bus back home.

All in all we had a wonderful time and man, I am so glad to have a home to take them to.

The project is winding down and I am so glad. I just have 2 more videos to make. I want to introduce my new housemates and then I want to go back to the spot where I filmed my first video for this project and tape a conclusion. Hopefully I'll get this done this week.

I have court tomorrow for the traffic tickets. Everytime I think about it I think about the man who sold me the car without the right title and then how I had to drive the damn car and I get so angry at men and I feel so stupid for always being so trusting of people.

I think I'm a very stupid person for always thinking people have good intentions. This project has enlightened me so much about the nature of people and their ways and it's not for the better. I have no desire to meet new people outside of work. I have no desire to make new friends. I think about the older man a lot because it feels good to think of him, but I have never met a man I liked who liked me back. I'm a handful and difficult and mean sometimes.

I really just want to have fun with my sons and be able to treat them to new experiences and I'd like a car and a quiet place to live with a strong wifi connection. That's really all I need.

All that extra shit, I'm not into anymore. I feel like I was trying to prove something to myself before and now I don't have to.

All I need is to have more days with my sons where I make them laugh and we can sleep together in comfort and I can afford to let them try new things. That's all I need.

Oh yeah. Let's not forget the 5 bars of wi-fi.

Very important.

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REBUILD: Moving Out of The Homeless Shelter

"A big demonstration is usually preceded by tormenting thoughts." ~ Florence Scovel Shinn

This quote had been popping up in my head over the last week or so. I guess it was my intuition telling me to hold on because things would soon change as I had become extremely depressed and paranoid and hopeless about my homeless situation.

Things changed. Just yesterday I packed up my bag and moved out of the homeless shelter.

After four months of living in an old renovated motel with strangers moving in and out and fighting and falling in love and sitting in flies and mosquitoes and sleeping on a mat on the patio floor, I am now free.



I posted an ad on the internet advertising myself for a roommate. I really wanted my own home but the reality is, while I can afford it, it's not the best choice for me right now. The first person to answer my ad was a woman named Cynthia. We spoke over the phone and she invited me over to meet her husband. They have a 4 bedroom house that is located very close to my job at Denny's.

I went to meet with them before my graveyard shift and it was amazing how much she reminded me of me. She's Puerto Rican, he's white. They are 29 years old and are married. They live the life of the law of attraction and are both artists. I immediately felt that this was a situation that I could be happy with.

In fact, I come out on top because with the amount that I pay them for my rent, which includes all utilities, internet and everything, I will have money left over to save for another car. I am so grateful.

Leaving the shelter was bittersweet. After living with so many people for 4 months, although at times I hated the mere THOUGHT of being there, there were some people that I had come to love.

But I'm good at closing chapters of my life. I move on, knowing that just because an experience ended, doesn't mean it's a bad thing.

I'm changing my phone number tomorrow. I changed it just before I started this project 4 months ago and now it's time to do it again. A phone number change does the weeding out for me and I get to start fresh again.

"Now you get to buy all new clothes," my sister commented.

I paused before saying, "For what? I don't go anywhere."

I have no clothes to go out and party or socialize but then again I'm not a social person. I have a few t-shirts and some jogging pants and a couple of shorts. Why would I need more than that? I don't have friends that I hang out with and I don't perform spoken word anymore. All I do is serve tables at Denny's. I guess I can buy myself a new pair of pants for work and some new earrings. Other than that, I don't see myself going out anywhere.

Well, actually, I hoped that I would continue seeing the older man that I wrote about before- the one who makes my soul happy. Well, that has fizzled out- as usual. It's not like I am the one who lost interest THIS TIME, he actually is way too busy for me. I am not sure exactly what he does when he is not working but I think he's involved in so many community activities that he doesn't really have the time or interest to call to get to know me and spend time with me.

Oh well. I still have the good feeling I feel when I think of him. I can hold on to that whenever I need a boost. He taught me what it's like to spend time with a man who doesn't want to sleep with me immediately. He would always say, "I believe in you." I appreciate that.

My new room is just the right size and temperature. Before I even unpacked my housemate Cynthia took me to the store to buy new bed linens and I picked out a comforter set in warm colors, just the way I like it. I feel like a princess. I even bought a new night dress that makes me feel sexy and grown up, just like I wanted to feel.

My new housemates are cool, or so they seem. We talked about my need for privacy and personal space and how I hate social obligations. They talked about not wanting to be woken up late at night with loud music and simple courtesy between humans. I think we agree on most things and I do look forward to getting to know them better.

I just woke up from my morning nap after my overnight shift. I'll probably take another nap before work tonight and then I'm off for 4 days. Wow. What will I do with myself? Probably, create another life changing project or something. ~smile~

Oooh wee! I can't WAIT to focus on MySavvySisters again. I'm going to go overboard in creating content and reaching out to awesome women so they can share the secrets to their success with us. I look forward to seeing my sons and sleeping in the bed with them again.

My older son turns 11 tomorrow. I can't believe it. I had just turned 21 when I gave birth to him and for the longest he was my lil partner and we spent all of our time together. Then along came his brother and it was just the 3 of us for a while. After they went to stay with their dad I was on my own again. I'm only lonely when I'm surrounded by people and I can't talk to them because they won't understand me so loneliness isn't a big issue in my life right now.

I'm in my bed.

My own bed.

I need a TV but I won't make it an issue until I save enough for a car. I won't buy clothes until I figure out what I will need nice clothes for and then I'll have to re invent my look because I am a different person now.

Who knows what I'll rebuild my life into next. I have those things that are most important- a quiet space to be creative, my health and a job that I absolutely love.

Mmmm. Something smells good in the kitchen. I'll go and see if they'll share their food with me. I don't have a car and there's no grocery store around here or places to buy food so I'll have to figure out how to feed myself when I'm not working since I don't cook. Uh oh. My intuition just suggested Ramen noodles. ~sigh~ If I have to, I will.

I feel good.

I can't believe this is finally over.

I'm at peace right now.

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