REBUILD: They Don't Know I'm Homeless

Wow.

Last night was an awesome night at Denny's. I worked my first overnight shift and it went by so FAST that I don't know what hit me. The two ladies that I worked with were REALLY good and REALLY helpful and I was blown away by their helpfulness.

They are NOT like that at Chili's at all!

Anyway, after we all got off at 6:30 we stood around in the parking lot talking and one man who works there who is also homeless drove up in his van. He sleeps in his van with his disable girlfriend (wife) and she is always screaming at him. Everyone feels sad for him.

The girls I worked with last night kinda laughed at him and our GM drove up and told us jokingly to get off the property before he calls the police. Everyone laughed and one of the girls said, "Oh we HAVE homes to go to, we don't live here." referring to the homeless man.

I just shook my head and kind of smirked.

They offered me a ride home and I was like, "Oh shit." LOL

Do I really want them to know where I'm staying? It's not like I'm really worried about what they think. It's more that, you know I haven't told anybody I work with that I'm homeless so I don't like having to explain but, I know it's gonna be so much DRAMA gossip about me but oh well.

So I let them give me a ride home. On the way to the shelter, this guy noticed the homeless people on the blocks and said, "There are so many BUMS on this street." I almost gagged.

This time of the morning is the time of the morning when all the people at the shelter who go out to ask for donations (begging with the buckets) stand outside to wait on the vans to leave. So when we pulled up to the shelter EVERYONE was out in full affect.

Inside, my heart was DIEING LAUGHING!

I was just imagining what they were thinking as we pulled up and they saw all of these homeless people or maybe they don't look homeless, I don't know what they look like to outsiders but to me they're my roommates.

I didn't say anything after we pulled up. I just said thank you and hopped out of the car. Right now I am DIEING inside LAUGHING because I can only imagine what they will think of me now. I am NOT embarrassed, just tickled by the whole thing and I wonder who is going to say something first. I wonder if they will shun me or feel sorry for me.

It doesn't matter really. It's time to start working for ME and every penny is going to my next place to live. There are so many options on how to move out of homelessness quickly and I won't explore them all but I'll explain them in a later video.

I love that I'm amusing to people. LOL

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REBUILD: Conflicting Desires

I went to South Beach today. It was good to get away from the shelter for a bit. I strolled down Lincoln Road and reminisced about all the times I spent there in my past.

Dinner at Pasha's with Nicole. Filming my talk show on the top of the Sony building. My first spoken word performance in Miami was all down there.

I don't know. I ran into the old crew from the magazine I used to work for. I was so delighted to see all of them, sincerely. It was a good feeling. I had lunch with Terry and we went to a seminar the magazine hosted during the American Black Film Festival.



I'm a bundle of nerves and emotions lately. I'm at the point in this project when it's really all about ME and I'm nervous for some reason. I have to save enough money to find my own place to live and then move in and furnish it.

I'm so used to going and starting over that putting down roots seems so foreign to me. But I have to get out of the shelter because I'm starting to get anxiety from being in one place for so long.

Although I have noticed the darkness in character of some of the people here, I think I'm falling in love with most of them. Even when I think about leaving I get kind of sad because, for the most part, everyone has treated me well. I see their mental illnesses and their addictions and I see through all that.

I meet the people who only stay for a night and then move on. I've said goodbye so many times. I'm in conflict inside because I'm rebuilding my life and I've accepted that maybe for me, there's nothing more than being a waitress and being happy with that. I can be happy with that but there's something missing.

Maybe I'll find peace when I have my own place again and I can focus more on my sons and get back to really pouring my heart out into this website like I used to. I'm trying to keep up with the editorial but it's hard to do that with so much going on. I hope my videos are enough.

I'm still wishing to find a place where I am valued and appreciated. A social group would be nice. Stable income. All the regular stuff people have.

I miss my friends too.

I don't know. I'm a little under the weather right now, my stomache hurts and I've been having those pains in my back again.

I'm okay. Just, wishing I can keep my smile though it seems that being ME is not the best thing to be because I can not find my own place in this world.

I think I am getting a bit depressed. I know depression is a choice but it seems that I am falling into the habit of being frustrated by my environment. I look around me and I see such nice people but I want to share my successes with them and to celebrate theirs but most people here have no goals to share with me.

I want to celebrate success dammit!

I want to hear stories of progress and blessings instead of misery and complaints and desperation.

I love them, all of them. I feel connected with them in a way. All the people here are people I want to help, to love, to share with yet, I'm in conflict because I want them to want more and to go for it. But I can't make them want more and I can't take away the obstacles that stand in their way either.

This place is getting me down. I'm so lonely here and I feel guilty for looking at the people around me and wanting more.

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VIDEO: Holding On When You're At The End Of Your Rope

Are you thinking of ending it all? Do you find yourself in the worst case situation emotionally? Do you believe things will never change? Are you at the end of your rope?

Watch this video for a new perspective and repair your perspective.

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Demetria Lucas: My Favorite Single Girl Habit

Demetria Lucas

Relationships Editor, ESSENCE Magazine

Brooklyn, NY

Demetria Lucas is the Relationships Editor at Essence Magazine. She is also the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: Your Go-To Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life (Atria). Demetria offers My Savvy Sisters an inside peek into her personal life and the best relationship advice her mother gave her concerning men.

1) What fascinates you the most about living in New York?

The overwhelming opportunities. It's impossible to get bored. It's also very much a hustler's city. Everyone here is so driven and ambitious. That energy is contagious! With so many people, there are lots of options [for dating.] It's great when you can think of available men in terms of abundance.

2) What is the difference between dating in the south and dating in New York?

There aren't really that many. Men are men are men. That doesn't change much based on geography. One thing that stands out though: in the south, there's not as much public interaction. As soon as you step outside in New York, you have the opportunity to meet people- walking down the street, on the subway, waiting on the corner. People everywhere means possibilities everywhere.

3) What lessons did your Mom teach you about dating?

Her best lesson-- and she started telling me this when I was 10-- "Don't act like the wife if you are not the wife." She wanted to make sure I knew that I knew unprotected sex, cooking and cleaning, splitting bills, living with a guy were wife duties and should not be done by girlfriends or dates.

I took it a step further and made it, "Don't act like the girlfriend, if you are not the girlfriend." That means, if we aren't committed, I'm free to do as I please and see who ever else I please. If you want me to yourself, you have to offer a commitment.

4) Do you ever feel like you're behind the curve when it comes to relationships?

No. Never felt that way. I'm pretty secure with myself and I determine what I want based on.. Well, what I want, not by what other people have or think I should have. I'm more than content. I'm happy. I have a very full life.

5) What are some of the things you do to make yourself feel good?

My favorite single girl habit is sitting on the kitchen counter in hot pants and knee socks eating crackers with jelly and reading women's magazines while I blast Kanye albums. Nothing beats it.

6) What are some of the things you celebrate in life?

Everything-- big or small. Every time anything goes the way I want, I make a big deal out of it. I do the same for what happens with my friends. For instance, every Friday I go to dinner to celebrate the end of the week and the upcoming weekend. Sometimes it's me and my girls, sometimes it's just me. Either way I have fun.

7) If you could fast forward to any time in the future, at what age and projected stage in life would you most like to hurry up and get to?

I wouldn't. I'm good with today, flaws and all.

8) How have your friendships encouraged your relationship status? Do you find that most of your friends are single too, or the opposite?

I'm not that fluid that my friends' status determines my own. That said, of my four closest friends, three out of five of us are in relationships. Go figure.

9) A word for women who are discontent with being single?

Why?

For more of Demetria's musings on love, life and living the single life in New York, you may visit her blog A Belle in Brooklyn.

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Your World News Report - July 7, 2011

Berlyne Julmis

News Coordinator

Casey Anthony Found Not Guilty

Casey Anthony’s verdict for the alleged murder of her two year old daughter was announced on Tuesday after three years since the case against Anthony started. An emotional Anthony faced the jury of seven women and five men who deliberated less than a day before announcing the verdict. The jury concluded Anthony was not guilty for the death and murder of daughter Caylee--the jury did find Anthony guilty for four misdemeanor counts of false information she provided detectives. Anthony is being held and awaiting sentencing which can be up to a year in jail. Anthony has already served three years and may just walk out a free woman. Many people disagree and are infuriated with the jury’s verdict.

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Dominique Strauss Kahn U.S. Charges May Drop as Charges in France are Filed

Dominique Strauss Kahn the former IMF chief sexual assault charges are expected to drop--the judge has already removed Kahn from house arrest. The alleged victim has become less credible after she was exposed of falsifying about a previous raped accusation while seeking asylum in the U.S. Kahn however, faces new sexual assault charges filed in France by French writer Tristane Banon. Banon claims Kahn attempted to rape her back in 2003 when he invited her to his apartment for a follow up interview for a book she was writing. Kahn is denying the incident and has stated he will file slander charges if Banon presses on with the allegations.

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197 Migrants Died at Sea

200 migrants fleeing to Saudia Arabia drowned at sea after a fire was started on the vessel. Only three people were rescued and authorities are still searching for possible survivors. The boat was believed to come from the Red Sea State of Sudan, but the exact location where the boat started its passage is yet to be known. The Yemenis owners of the boat have all been arrested as human trafficking is at rise in Sudan.

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Mexican Zetas Drug Gang Leader Arrested

Jesus Enrique Rejon Aguilar known as El Mamito has been arrested by Mexican police. Aguilar former Mexican Special Forces soldier is the believed founder of Zetas a notorious drug gang which terrorize Mexico. Aguilar has been linked to many violent crimes and even the death of a U.S, immigration officer. Aguilar was wanted by both Mexican and US officials—the U.S. offered 5 million dollars leading to Aguilar capture and conviction.

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10 Things Every Single Mother Should Teach Her Son

By Brenda M. Hook

1. Respect Women

Many boys that grow up in homes with single moms have never seen their mother treated with respect. We teach people how to treat us, and as a single mother it is our job to teach our boys how to treat others with respect. We must begin by respecting ourselves and not accepting less than what we deserve.

2. We are not POOR - even if we are

Boys that are the product of a single parent home, have probably witnessed the day to day struggle of managing finances. One thing that I never tell my son is that “I don’t have any money.” Instead, I tell him “I don’t have money for THAT.” Young men have enough to worry about, without adding the burden of finances of which they have no control over.

3. How to give a firm handshake

It is very important that boys learn a proper handshake. A firm handshake shows confidence. A proper handshake involves a firm and complete grip, eye contact, and a vigorous up and down motion. A good handshake leaves a good impression.

4. How to dress properly

Dressing properly shows that you take pride in yourself and that you take yourself seriously. This will encourage others to take you seriously. Pants should be long enough to fully cover socks. Shirt buttons should line up with belt buckle and pants zipper. Ties should stop at the belt line. A properly executed tie should have a dimple under the knot. Belts should match shoes. Use an iron. Walking around wrinkled sends a message of laziness.

5. Respect the police

This could be a hard concept, but not learning how to have respect for police officers usually only makes matters worse. When stopped by the police, it is best to keep your hands where they can be seen and obey what the officer tells you to do. Do not run, resist, or put your hands on an officer. Address the officer as “sir” “ma’am” or “officer.” You always have the right to remain silent, even if you are not read your rights. If you are under age, always request the presence of a parent or lawyer.

6. Encourage a Good Education

Education is the key to success. It is not uncommon for boys of single mothers to not even finish high school. As mothers we need to teach our boys that getting a good education puts them on the path to a good future. With the number of scholarships out there, some specifically designed for children of single mothers, there is no reason that going to college is not an achievable goal.

7. Taking responsibility for his actions

There are too many single mothers that spending more time trying to get their boys out of trouble than they do teaching them how to stay out of trouble. We are doing these young men an injustice if we don’t make them take responsibility for their wrongdoings. We need to stop rewarding bad behavior and encourage boys to stop and think before they act. A great percentage of bad situations could have been avoided if only the consequences of the action would have been though about beforehand.

8. Good Sportsmanship

Anyone can be a good winner. But watching your son be a poor loser is embarrassing. Your son can be the best on the team, but once he starts arguing, making excuses, blaming others or criticizing the other team, his skills no longer matter. Poor sportsmanship needs to be called out. Take your child aside and let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. If your son is being aggressive or physical toward others, remove him from immediately the activity.

9. Show gratitude

No one is born grateful-it is learned. It doesn’t matter if you grew up with or without money. We need to teach our sons gratitude for the things they may take for granted. The more you give, the less things are valued and appreciated, these boys end up with feelings of entitlement and are always disappointed. On the other hand, grateful kids are usually more thankful and pleasant to be around, but more than that, gratitude teaches our boys to look beyond themselves, have empathy, and to be sensitive to other people’s feelings.

10. He should pursue HIS dreams

Anyone can follow the dreams of society or a parent and forget about the things that mean the most to them. My son has wanted a career in the military ever since he was in the 4th grade. I think it’s a terrible decision, but who am I to stand in the way of his dreams? We need to let our boys be who they want to be instead of who we want them to be. We need to have faith in the decisions they make and always remember that the road less traveled will bring greater reward than the path of least resistance.

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How To Keep A Man

Forget everything you've read about the tricks you need to try to keep a man interested. Those are games and we are grown women. We do not have time for games. In order to attract your soul mate or attract men who are genuinely interested in you, you must understand these 4 principles.


1) In order to keep ANYTHING or ANYONE you must be willing to lose it. This means that you do not place "keeping them/it" above pleasing yourself. You are the most important one in the relationship. Your happiness counts the MOST. If you are with someone and they know that you won't compromise your happiness to keep them they will respect you and want you more. Do not "try" to keep him. If he wants to leave, let him go.

2) Live your best life. Go after your dreams. Don't wait for the other person to want to join the party. Party by yourself. When someone you are with sees that you have a full, fun and exciting life and can live it WITHOUT them, they want to join in. In other words, do the things that make you happy all the time and do not allow any other person to be your primary source of happiness.

3) Be yourself. If you feel like being a bitch then be one. If you feel like being nice then be nice. The person who is meant for you will be able to appreciate ALL of you. If they can't appreciate you then they are not meant for you.

4) Let him put in effort. I'm not saying play games and pretend you're busy when you're not. The main point is: Do not try to lead the relationship. A man knows what he wants and will hate being given ultimatums or being pressured. Men like to feel like they are the ones who come up with the good ideas, unless you have a submissive man. If you have a submissive man you must lead him because he won't know how to lead the relationship. You'll need to train him.

For My Savvy Sisters: Do you believe there is a formula for keeping a man? Do you agree or disagree with these tips?

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Does Breast Augmentation Increase the Risk of Breast Cancer?

Many women wonder if there is a connection between breast augmentation and breast cancer; The FDA continues to support the use of breast implants, as extensive studies have proven their safety; The following is evidence of how closely the medical community reviews any possible connection between health issues and implants.

ATLANTA, July 5, 2011 /PRNewswire/ -- Earlier this year, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) reviewed a possible link between breast implants and a rare type of cancer (anaplastic large cell lymphoma, or ALCL). ALCL rarely develops in the breast, according to the National Cancer Institute.

The FDA is currently aware of only 60 cases worldwide, a tiny fraction of the millions of women who have received breast implants. As additional data is needed, the FDA has asked health care providers to report cases of ALCL in women with breast implants.

Although women are right to be concerned about any link between breast implants and cancer, there are no accepted studies showing implants cause long-term health problems, including breast cancer or connective tissue diseases. Both saline and silicone breast implants are FDA-approved when used as recommended.

Breast Implants and Mammograms

Breast implants must be considered during breast cancer screening. If you have implants, always tell the technician. Because implants can make reading a mammogram more challenging, choose a provider that is experienced in screening breasts with implants.

Implants placed beneath the pectoralis muscle (instead of directly behind the breast tissue) impact a mammogram less than sub-glandular implants.

On a positive note, women who choose to get breast implants tend to be more conscious of their bodies and thus check more frequently for breast lumps. It's also reportedly easier to see or feel lumps for women with implants.

Reducing Your Risk

Here are things you can do to reduce your risk of breast cancer:

• Limit alcohol consumption. The more you drink, the greater your risk. Limit yourself to one drink a day.
• Control your weight. Obesity increases your risk of breast cancer, especially if you gain the excess weight after menopause.
• Be physically active. Being active helps you maintain a healthy weight and provides other healthful benefits.
• Breast-feed. Studies have shown that breast-feeding may offer some protection against breast cancer.
• Discontinue hormone therapy. Long-term hormone therapy increases your risk of breast cancer.
• Avoid pollution. Exposure to vehicular and other air pollutants can contribute to breast cancer.

It's not always possible to prevent breast cancer. By practicing these habits, however, you're doing your part to protect yourself.

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Cheap Airline Tickets For Students With AirTranU

AirTran launched a new student rate airline ticket plan for students seeking cheap airline tickets. These tickets can be purchased for as little as $49 one way.

You must be 18-22 years old to receive this discount but you don't really have to be a student.

Savvy way to fly! For the youngsters, of course.

Visit AirTranU on the web.

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REBUILD: On The 4th of July

This 4th of July I decided that I didn't want to go to the beach. Instead, I wanted to "get wet" like back in the days when we were kids.

Check the video!

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EDITORIAL: Debt Ceiling Talks

By Christina Fermin

Politics & Society Columnist

With all the buzz about debt ceiling talks going on, I decided to do a little research. For those of you who do not know, the debt ceiling is a cap set by Congress on the amount of money the federal government can legally borrow and spend. The cap refers to debt owed to the public, such as anyone who purchases U.S. bonds, along with debt owed to the federal government trust funds like Social Security and Medicare. The current limit is $14. 294 trillion and was reached on May 16. Basically the federal government spends more money than it brings in, by billions every month. So raising the debt ceiling is essentially an argument on whether or not we should pay our bills.

Under Republican leadership since Ronald Reagan the debt ceiling has doubled every time there has been a “conservative” in the White House. Which is ironic since Republican platform boasts “spending cuts” and “smaller government.” Anytime there is a spending hike or tax cut the debt ceiling inevitable gets raised to pay for these things. Congress has the authority to raise the debt ceiling anytime, but Republicans are refusing to raise the debt ceiling without some severe spending cuts and their aim is at Social Security, Medicare and other programs that the public relies on. Democrats are refusing to raise the debt ceiling without raising taxes for people making over $500,000 and getting rid of oil and gas subsidies, which are usually in the billions of dollars per year.

A subsidy is money granted by the federal government to assist in an industry or business. That’s funny because last I checked oil, coal, gas was doing fine and did not need any type of subsidy considering that when you look at this chart http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_companies_by_revenue the top ten most profitable companies, 7 are oil and gas companies. These company profits are in the hundreds of billions, why are they getting federal grants?? Why are Republicans defending this practice? There are a few hundred people that make more money than the bottom 90% of this country, why are we not raising taxes on them?

Up until the current wars we are fighting, historically all wars have been paid for by raising taxes. The Iraq and Afghanistan wars are the first wars in history that have been funded by borrowing. During the 1950s the richest Americans were paying up to 92% in taxes. The current tax bracket for anyone who makes over $379,150 is 35%. While the capital gains tax is at an all time low at 15%, this is where many wealthy elite make their money. Corporate tax is one of the highest in the world topping at 35%, but with all types of subsidies and loopholes, many corporations end up paying nothing or even getting money back from the federal government.

While Republicans continue to chip away at programs the public heavily relies on and Democrats too weak to stand by the American people attempt to negotiate with Republicans it is us the people who are directly affected by their shenanigans. It seems clear, Congress needs to raise taxes on individuals making over $500,000 per year, raise the capital gains tax, eliminate corporate subsidies and loopholes, eliminate tax havens such as the Caymen Islands and heavily fine anyone or Corporation that tries to hide money, end all military occupations across the world, cut military spending which accounts for almost 60% of our budget and reinvest in America.

Tim Geitner and Federal Reserve chairmen Ben Bernanke argue that by not raising the debt ceiling, it would cause chaos here and abroad. These are the same people who took $700 billion American tax payer dollars and gave it away to the banksters here and abroad. I personally do not believe a word they say, if anything someone needs to throw both of them in jail for looting and lying to the American public. To hell with the debt ceiling, just doing what I mentioned above alone could probably steer us clear from having to raise the debt ceiling. Our GDP and our debt are about equal, how about we start lowering it? Raising taxes on the super wealthy, along with closing tax loopholes for Corporations and the elite would bring in enough money so that our GDP is not equal to our debt. Call your representative and tell them, to hell with the debt ceiling, raise taxes on the rich!!!

Peace & Love,

Christina

About the Columnist

With a bachelors degree in political science from Florida Atlantic University, Christina Fermin has always cultivated her love for history, politics, sociology, ancient knowledge and teachings, the outdoors, the ocean and the environment. Christina strives to make our world better by helping us all create a new reality and understanding of all taking place here and now.

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REBUILD: After The Pain Is Gone

I was hurting so much last night that I lost my mind for a minute.

But that's what happens when you're an emotional writer. You write away all the pain. That's also what happens when you magnify your issues. It's a choice to do that, my sister. So let me tell you about my day.

I managed to get about 3 hours of sleep after the security guard at the shelter mentioned that I should buy a pack of Icy Hot bandages. I put one of those suckers on and ooooh weee! I felt so good!

My muscle spasm was still happening but it wasn't nearly as intense. If you want to know how badly I was hurting, imagine being in labor. Yep, that was it!

But it went away quite quickly with that Icy Hot patch on. First it was Icy, then it was HOT. And I fell asleep smiling.

I woke up to the sound of the alarm on my phone and I got dressed quickly to do the 50 minute walk to work. I was blessed that I saw a BUS on Sunday morning and I jumped on that damn bus so it took off about 20 minutes of my walk and then as I was walking the rest I heard someone scream my name and it was one of my co workers at Denny's. She gave me a ride the rest of the way, just as I was about to start sweating.

Yay!

So I was at work way early and I immediately jumped in helping everyone with their tables until my manager said, "Go in the back and rest, it's not time for you yet." I helped out a little more and then went and ordered a French Slam and ate it.

Then it was my turn and I went and snatched a couple from the front door and sat them in my section. It picked up even more and we were all speed demons serving from then until after 2pm. When it slowed down I had one table left and I spent 30 minutes talking to them. I love that!

I told them about my project and they were eager to hear more. The gentleman told me that he has a side business of internet marketing and wanted to see if I could help him.

"Do you make youtube videos?" he asked.

Um. Do I?

Hell yeah! That's what I do for fun!

I had such a good time serving today that I was all smiles by the time I took the bus back to the shelter. By the time I got back it was dinner time and after I ate I went for a walk and the oldest man in the shelter at 75 years old, joined me.

He's an interesting fellow and I really enjoyed talking and walking with him. We kept running into people from the shelter at the grocery store, walking down the street and at the park. We sat down at The Arts Park and talked for over an hour.

The one thing I realized is that, for the most part, I have had EXCELLENT experiences with the people in the shelter. There have only been one or two people that I would rather not have met but last night I was so into my negative vibe that I magnified it and decided to include everyone.

I do that sometimes, well, mostly with men. But really, now that I'm away from the old nasty, mean man who decided that he didn't want to be around me anymore, I feel happier and I get to hear more jokes and people smile at me and are glad to see me.

That felt so good.

This guy who has been sleeping next to me on the patio even gave me Reeses Pieces peanut butter cups tonight and another man bought me a soda. Now the TV is playing Titanic and I'm waiting for my Mama to call me back. The other night I had a dream that my Mama died and in that same dream I saw other people I know who died too, they came to visit me.

For some reason, when people die, I always have a dream that they come to visit me but all of those dreams aren't pleasant. They still come regardless of whether they want to say goodbye or to scream at me for not doing what they want me to do.

The first time it happened I was just in elementary school and my grandmother died. When I went to sleep she came to see me in my dream and said, "I didn't get a chance to say goodbye." Then she hugged me and smiled and vanished.

I feel like I'm special. I know, I know, everyone is special but I feel like I'm in this experience for a distinct purpose. Like, maybe I have a calling or something.

I don't think I'm supposed to be a nun. If I were I wouldn't have these hankering to be a dominatrix. I feel like I'm supposed to help, I know that. But, I can't quite put my finger on it yet. I don't really feel like I'm helping much with this project yet, but maybe that will change soon.

I'm feeling good and my manager asked me to come in tomorrow on the 4th of July. I'm so happy! I didn't want to have to hang out at the shelter again on a holiday. I've already spent 3 holidays here and it's not much fun although they do barbeque for us.

I'm feeling so good and so free!

Anything could happen. You could feel just like me if you decide not to make your ONE issue so BIG that it overshadows the promise of a better tomorrow. As long as you have another day, things could get better.

And remember THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE in order for you to be able to live out your next dream. If things stayed the same then you wouldn't have room for your wishes to come true.

All change isn't bad. It may seem that way at the time, but it really isn't. All change points you toward a happier YOU.



All my love,

Te-Erika

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REBUILD: Big Mistake

Today I wanted to tell somebody, "You should kill yourself."

How's that for an inspiration leader.

Yeah. I know. I'm just, hurting from this back injury thing and annoyed right now. I don't know what to do.

This project has turned my whole world upside down and I find myself regretting it. I'm miserable. I've met people that I think I would have been better of if I had never known existed.

I don't exactly feel like a failure but then again, I feel stupid for trying this. Yes, I have had a good time making videos, but I could have done that from the comfort of my own home.

I'm more mistrusful of people.

I'm even MORE anti social.

I have less hope for my life.

I think in general, that people suck.

I'm not meeting anyone that I connect with.

I found myself wishing I could die today, feeling like I had no purpose for being here.

Yeah, today was a rough day.

But even on the rough days, the sun rises. Too bad by the time this sun rises, in a couple of hours, it will be time for me to go to WORK when I haven't even been to sleep yet because my back was hurting all night.

I'm becoming even more miserable. I feel like I'm sucking it all up, the environment. The world. The world is a disgusting place to be in. Everyone's sad. Everyone's in need. Everyone's trying to get over on you.

No one is sincere.

You can't trust anyone.

You shouldn't.

Just try. That's all you can do.

Try to make the best out of what you have been given.

This was definitely a mistake for me to be here.

A big mistake.

I'm stupid thinking I could make a difference.

Dumb ass.

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