REBUILD: Backwards Motion

"Do you want a beer?" she asked as she drove me home from work.

Shit. Why not? I took the half can of liquid and took a long swig and exhaled. My thoughts raced back to earlier in the day when I was sweating profusely in the hot sun on the bus stop after visiting the apartment that my co worker told me about which turned out to be in the projects. Nice size rooms. Very cozy but no air conditioning. In South Florida? I didn't think those places existed.

"Look at these shoes," the lady sitting next to me on the bus stop said as she showed off her white sneakers. "K Swiss. I got these from Goodwill today. It's amazing what people throw away."

Throw away.

Throw away.

Throw away.

My sun dresses.

My shoes.

My accessories.

My furniture.

My jean collection.

My hats.

My jackets.

Everything.

Gone.

Nearly 4 months ago.

For what?

To inspire.

To inspire?

How the hell am I inspiring anyone while living like this? I receive email after email from women all over the country asking ME for help with rent, with jobs, with encouragement yet, I need all of those things.

I feel like the biggest loser yet, I've been losing all my life. All of this potential and talent yet, my personality and strong stance against conformity have led me to struggle for most of my days. Food stamps. Welfare. Section 8. Me.

Oh yeah. I got a letter at work today. Child support will now be deducted from my paychecks. Ok so I called them myself so they can deduct it but it seems real now. He's still winning. But my kids are too.

These pants I'm wearing are too tight. I need some new clothes but I dare not spend any money on clothes. I have to save to move. I need underwear.

I'm serving table after table. $3. $5. $10 if I'm lucky. I walked out of work with $50 tonight. $20 a day on cabs unless I want to melt in the hot sun.

The wheels are spinning but they are spinning backwards.

I cried today. In the hot sun. On the bus stop. In front of strangers.

I regret it. I regret it. I regret it.

I regret it.

Why the hell did I do this? This ain't no way to live.

Who the hell am I inspiring? Surely not me.

What the hell am I doing here?

A youtube viewer wrote me an email. The words still haunt me.

"All those years you were searching for someone to guide you, you were searching for yourself."

Yes. Yes.

I listen to my intuition now but it's not leading me to a comfortable place. The fears that this is all that I deserve in life overwhelm me. It's what I know yet, my insides churn with the belief that I am supposed to live abundantly with the world as my oyster.

No oysters over here. Just beenie weenies and beans. Cheap cigarettes and sweaty nights on the patio.

I trust no one.

No one is on my side. Everyone is against me. I have no one to admire or look up to. The more I meet leaders, the more disgusted I am by leadership. I'm not a leader. I'm a mess.

I'm moving backwards and I'm sorry. Money's coming in slow on the swing shift.

$3. $5. $10 if I'm lucky.

And tonight's the kind of night where, I have a few swigs of a beer and I cry myself to sleep because tomorrow I have to get up and face it all again.

Posted in: Rebuild Your Life