You wrote:
I am an online "troll". My angry heart has taken front and center of my personality. That anger has festered and eaten away at my own happiness. Online anonymity has increased this. It's made me much quicker to lash out and bluntly, sometimes tastelessly and tactlessly, express myself. This is a double edged sword. Since my mind has trained it's self to lash out and attack online, that training doesn't just stop when I get off the computer. That instinctual response to lash out and be nasty overflows to my interactions with people whom I love the most, causing so much damage. My birthday is just two days away; I'll be turning 20 and it really hurts my heart that my family relationships are so fragile and ruined thanks to this troll that dwells inside of me.
Things have gotten so bad that I'll be having a lonely birthday :( I really just need to pour my soul out and you seem less judgmental, yet possess more sweet critique than most people I know. I'd really appreciate it if you could find the time to message me back and give me any possible advice, help, suggestions, anything! I don't want to spend another year alive letting relationships and possibilities rot away because I've been hurt and it feels better to get mad about it than to be sad. I'd love to eliminate this issue before I have children of my own and pursue serious romantic relationships so please, please pretty please with extra whip cream, a cherry, some butterscotch toppings and some buttery sweet peanut toppings with a little squeeze of tangerine juice on the side, please help me out. I know I can't be the only person who feels this way and experiences this dissatisfaction. I'm sure a lot of people could benefit from your insight on this topic as well.
My REPLY:
Hi. Thanks for writing and for even wanting to change the way things are. I can imagine that you are angry with yourself for being a person who hurts others but you can not stop because you are hurting so much inside that you can't help but release your feelings in this way.
The internet is a powerful tool and many of us use it to express ourselves in a way that we feel we can not socially. I happen to write erotica and post it online. In real life I cringe at the thought of sexual experiences because they have not been good for me. Do you see what I do differently than you do? Although I am a bit angry about not having had good sexual experiences, instead of lashing out in anger(which I do sometimes), I take the time to use my creative energy to fantasize and increase my professional writing portfolio which means my frustration now adds value to my life. I also focus on what I want to receive instead of what I do not want to receive; this makes all the difference in your life satisfaction.
My main piece of advice is for you to find a way to make money from your "skill". Become a critic blogger or a dominatrix. You don't really have to 'fix' this issue, all you have to do is redirect it so that it becomes something that adds value to your life.
If you really want to fix the issue, let's examine it. When most people lash out they do so out of frustration because there is something in their life they feel powerless about. They desire something that they believe they can not have and it makes them irritable and annoyed.
What you are frustrated about in your own life? What motivates you to read things online and then express your displeasure about them? Anytime we actively seek out things to criticize it is probably a sign that we are overly critical of ourselves. What is it about yourself that you think is wrong and should be fixed, well, besides this little issue we're exploring?
Do you have expectations of yourself or others that are not being realized? Did someone hurt you? Do you not meet your own expectations for your life? The only way to release the anger of not meeting your own expectations or not having others meet your own expectations is to understand that you can not have everything you want, not when it comes to how others interact with you. You can not MAKE anyone interact with you the way you want them too.
Life is not supposed to be scripted. You are not supposed to walk the precise path of your imagination. Your imagination is limited and life is more abundant than anything that you can perceive. Let life take its course and roll with it. It's okay for things NOT to turn out the way you want them too. Release the need to be in control all of the time. If things don't go your way, simply say, "That's life sometimes," and then set a new goal or walk in a new direction.
As far as you lashing out on the internet, I would suggest you take a more constructive way of releasing your frustration with your life.
- Get physical. With the same passion that you would type out a nasty remark, start running to exercise and release your angst. A better hobby would be boxing; women can benefit from that too.
- Write a story about a bitter woman who changes her ways and describe what happens in her life. Streamline your talent for communication into a field that could be profitable.
I don't want you to push away the people in your life and I know you are hurting because you already have. To make all of these relationships better I suggest you speak to anyone you truly care about and apologize sincerely for your past behavior. Tell them that you are working on being different and you are tired of being angry. You don't have to explain any further. To reveal something as heartfelt as this will help you to bond with them again.
In order to STOP cursing people out, please stop being so angry with yourself. I find that my extreme judgment of people stems from a place of inner dissatisfaction. Whenever I am disappointed in my own progress, I am often critical of others.
Be okay with who you are right now. Decide you will be okay with what comes your way in the future. There is nothing that can completely destroy your life; please accept this as fact. There is nothing you can do to ruin your entire future. No matter what happens, you can redirect your path and still be happy. You are destined for happiness as soon as you let go of your anger.
You can do this. One day at a time, friend.
It's okay. You're okay.
Let me know how things work out for you.
Love,
Te-Erika
1 comments:
Some powerful truth. Thank you for the question and the answer! Knowledge is indeed key.
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