Day 21: I'm Not A Superwoman

Today I sent out a new press release announcing the job fair which is less than a week away. I am not stressed anymore. I held down my end of the bargain. I can't help who decides to participate. I only have 3 businesses.

Now for the business of marketing and planning this event so that it looks professional. I'm using the money I raised and my own money from working.

My heart hearts tonight even though I had a good day. I'm longing for the same thing I always long for; a connection. A heart connection.

I just want ONE person I meet to understand me so I can stop feeling like an alien on this planet.

I'm surrounded by people yet, I feel so alone. Sometimes its like a big vacuum where I SEE people but I feel like I'm in a bubble.

That's kind of why I love working on a website so much. I get to inspire people from a distance. I get to help without being too involved or too judged for being who I am.

I love people. I believe people are good at their root but their fear of rejection and their lust for material things causes them to be mean and hurt others to scratch their way to the top.

I'm not like that. I don't believe in competition at all. In fact, if I meet someone and I feel like they are trying to compete with me, I let them win because I already know what it feels like to win.

I'm a winner by nature. I've been a winner all my life. Winning isn't that exciting to me anymore. I expect it and I get it. Others who NEED to win, they can have it. I'd much rather be understood and find a place where my talents and personality can be useful and appreciated. I've never experienced that.

So here I am in the middle of this experience of rebuilding my life and I'm kinda sad everyday but it's not a depressed sadness. I thought I would be sad because I have nothing but its the same kind of sadness I've always had. I've always been sad because I am never understood. No one "gets" me.

I'm NOT some strong superwoman just because I did this. I'm not average by a long shot but I'm not some super human. I just, know what failure looks like so I'm not generally afraid of it. I'm used to transitioning and starting over and being by myself with everything.

What does the opposite feel like? I'm not sure. I've never fit in. I had to be hustled and struggle to learn the lessons I have learned in life. I feel stupid everyday because I am kind of naive. I believe the best in people so I trust their words unless I feel a bad vibe then I stay away.

Right now I'm sitting on the patio and there are at least 30 other people out here. Everyone is lounging and watching TV and laughing and enjoying each other and here I am, writing and trying to plan out my next step to make this job fair a success.

Last night I had a dream that I was rich. I was driving a really nice car and I had long hair that was STRAIGHT and dark.

I think I'm going to take a break from writing tonight to just- do nothing at all.

I'm tired.

Posted in: Rebuild Your Life