Say YES: Fears & Doubts

A woman I have interacted with for years over the internet contacted me tonight saying that she needed to talk. When I called her it felt as though I was speaking to an old friend although this was our very first time actually "speaking."

She shared with me that she was coming out of a very dark time in her life. It seems a life transition of a break up was causing her to re evaluate her life direction. I listened intently, sipping orange juice by the pool while she explained herself in excitement.

"I feel like life is moving on!" she said. I laughed.

"But I feel like the only thing holding me back is me," she said. "I watched your video where you were holding your book and crying and I thought to myself, 'what a sweet moment' I almost cried too. You're doing your videos. You were in a homeless shelter and still creating and sharing. Your site, My Savvy Sisters, man, I look at all of that and think to myself that I can do that too!"

"You can," I said.

"I think I can but when I take a minute I talk myself out of it. How do you keep moving forward? How do you get it done? I know the difference. I speak death over my dreams while you speak life over yours."

My eyes grew wide. Um. Wait a minute. Is this chick saying that she admires me?

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Like, I'm a role model.

Me? A role model?

Yeah right.

"Girl," I began. "The only difference between me and you is, I feel the fear and I do it anyway. I am scared everytime I start something new. I never know what I'm doing. I never know if anyone will appreciate it. I never know how it's going to turn out yet, I do it anyway because to me it's fun to figure out. I have to do what I do because I fail at everything else. Life is directing me through so many failures. This is the only thing I CAN do."

For any woman who has been following my writing and videos you must know that I do not have it together by a long shot. I have extreme anxiety. In fact, I'm having an anxiety attack right now as I type this but I have to finish this story in hopes that someone will break free.

This is what I do. When I'm at my worse case scenario and I'm feeling hopeless and desperate and stupid and low, I create something to encourage myself and then I share it with others. Every video, every article, every book was written for ME. If I didn't create those things I would really be depressed. I share my heart and I risk looking so stupid and pathetic in front of everyone because, I don't care anymore. I've been laughed at and called lame. I've never been loved. I've been at so many low points that who cares if it happens once more.

I'm not afraid to look stupid so I take risks that most won't take. I'm not trying to uphold a certain image because I have no stellar image to uphold. Anyone who knows me personally will laugh and say, "Oh that's just Tee. She's crazy."

Yes, I am.

But I always try to give what I wish I had been given. I always try to create the type of resources that I wish I had.

I MUST create or I will fall into a sea of nothingness and drown.

I say YES to fear.

I say YES to doubts.

I say YES to appearing stupid.

I say YES to falling on my back.

I say YES to being vulnerable.

I say YES and I do get hurt when I try to connect or to move forward but I still do it anyway because I will not remain stagnant. That is not the life for me. I have to at least TRY.

So you go ahead and say YES to the fear, but remember to TRY ANYWAY.

If you fall down, it's not a long reach to hop back up.

Handle your business.

Posted in: Say Yes Challenge