Say YES: I Found Him Attractive

It is very rare that I notice men, and even more rare that I feel that "pull" of attraction for a man. Yet when it does happen I become upset with myself because I don't believe men have positive things to offer. A lot of my anxiety stems from this belief. It seems that I attract lots of men and since I rarely meet men who are nice to themselves and others, I experience a sense of fear when they approach me.

It's gotten better over the years. I no longer have a fear but I am mostly indifferent when it comes to men. I notice them, but I don't NOTICE them. So much to my surprise, just last week I ran into a man I used to work with and my body reacted much like it used to when I used to work with him. Back then I couldn't do anything about it because we worked together and I think that is taboo, but now we don't.

I went back and forth with the idea in my mind, "I should invite him to do something with me." We flirted a little and then I said YES and gave him my number.

We planned to go out tonight. I got dressed and waited. An hour after the time we set, he still hadn't called me. I sent him a text saying, "Never mind."

He sent me a text back: Hey. I'm almost ready.
Me: Never mind. We said 6. You didn't even call and that's rude.
Him: Wait. We never set a time. I was getting some things together, but okay Let's forget it. Me: Ok Goodnite.
Him: I was really looking forward to it.
Me: I was indifferent.

Well, I was. I hate the feeling of attraction. That's one of my issues. He's young anyway- 23. I know what he wanted. Maybe if I was in the mood too but I'm not. Not today. Not tomorrow. I don't like to be touched by men, it doesn't feel good but I give them a chance sometimes just to see if it's a phase and it will go away.

Sometimes it feels like nothing, but most times it makes me disgusted at the thought of it.

But I did it, I think. I said YES to being attracted, making a date and then it didn't go through. Should I have been more flexible? Did I really say NO by my actions?

Am I a mean girl?

I feel bad, but not really. I don't want to be close to a man again.

Posted in: Say Yes Challenge