The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women

Ayesha Mattu, 39, of San Francisco and Nura Maznavi, 33, of Los Angeles have come together to produce the groundbreaking book, Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women. In the book, 25 writers sweep aside stereotypes to share their real-life romances and the pursuit of love in the modern world. From singles events and online dating, to college flirtations and arranged marriages, all with a uniquely Muslim twist, the writers represent a broad spectrum of ethnic/racial backgrounds and religious outlooks speaking openly for the first time about love, dating, relationships, gender, identity, and sexuality.

MySavvySisters caught up with Ayesha Mattu and asked her to elaborate on the common misconceptions of Muslim women and her hopes for the book’s influence on our culture.

MSS: What is the biggest misconception that the western world has about Muslim women in regards to love and relationships? How do you think this concept was constructed?

Ayesha: The biggest misconception is, quite simply, that we are veiled, submissive creatures who marry out of duty, not love. In fact, the word “love” is almost never paired with the words “Muslim woman” in the minds of most people.

The past few centuries have been tumultuous ones for Muslim communities and countries globally. Interestingly, in “Western representations of the Muslim woman” Dr. Mohja Kahf talks about how the perceptions of Muslim women have changed over time. During medieval and Renaissance times, European writers portrayed Muslim women in exactly the opposite way, as forceful queens of wanton and intimidating sexuality. She posits that these shifting images of Muslim women are linked to changes in Western relations with the Islamic world, as well as to changing gender dynamics within both societies.

MSS: Your book is a collection of stories about love in the Muslim world that tackles taboo topics like homosexuality, interracial relationships and blending cultural lines. How were you able to get women to discuss these issues openly? What was your reaction to them sharing their stories?

Ayesha: We gathered stories over the course of five years. We spent that time developing deep, trusting relationships with each writer. Because so many Muslim women have had their own words used against them in media interviews or other contexts, we made it clear to each writer that she would have full control over her own narrative and that the final version of her story would only be published with her full approval and consent.

We were happily surprised at the hundreds of responses to our national call for stories. Their willingness to engage with such deeply personal issues was and remains inspirational to us!

MSS: What was your personal motivation behind developing this book?

Ayesha: Much has been written about Muslim women, but very little has been by Muslim women ourselves. We thought it was about time we started telling our own stories. And what better stories to share than love stories, which have a universal appeal? We are all seeking to love and be loved for who we are. Sharing these personal stories gives us all a chance to connect heart to heart, beyond the headlines.

MSS: Can you share a personal story about coming to terms with your own desires for love that illustrates why the message from this book is important?

Ayesha: Many people don’t associate the idea of love with Muslim women, and they also don’t associate it with the religion of Islam. This view is so pervasive that as a child of the West, I didn’t associate those values with Islam either. It wasn’t until I was in my twenties when I started reading the mystical poets of Islam – Rumi, Hafiz, Rabia Al-Adawiyyah, Bulleh Shah and others – that I realized my birthright.

One of the names of God is Al-Wadud (the Loving). He created the world from love, and love is at the core of Islam. Love for our spouse, children, parents, neighbors and the earth are all central to our spiritual teachings. Realizing that helped me connect to a joyful, loving and creative Islam. I want to share that – all the facets that love can take - with others through this book. Ultimately, love is what makes us human.

MSS: How have men in the Muslim community reacted to this book?

Ayesha: They’ve been very supportive! A third of our advance readers were men, and they whole-heartedly endorsed the book. During our 5-city book tour in early to mid-February about a third of the audiences were men, and many of them requested a sequel written from their perspective!

MSS: How do you hope Love, InshAllah will influence modern romantic thought?

Ayesha: There are many possibilities before us. The book is being taught at universities, read by interfaith groups, and selected by book clubs. Counselors, thought leaders and religious figures are using it to engage in conversation with their constituencies and congregations about the issues raised up by the writers, who speak openly about both the joys and challenges of being a Muslim woman in America today.

We hope the book gets picked up in international markets and is translated into other languages. A male sequel is a possibility. We would love to see Love InshAllah go global so that Muslim women in different countries – France, Indonesia, India, Nigeria & elsewhere - can share their own stories. The Muslim community in the US is the most diverse in the world including people from every country imaginable and those whose roots stretch back to the founding of this country. The context changes from country to country so it would be interesting to see the similarities and differences between Muslim women.

And we’ve been asked repeatedly to turn this into a screenplay so maybe Love InshAllah will be coming to a theater near you sometime in the future!

Check out these ladies at

Check out these ladies at www.loveinshAllah.com

Twitter @LoveinshAllah

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/LoveInshAllah

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"I Don't Get Jealous" Plus 9 Other Facts You Didn't Know About Penelope Trunk

If you haven't had the chance to be introduced to Penelope Trunk, allow me to be the first to blow your mind. Not only is she one of the top bloggers EVER, holding a firm position among the big boys in the male dominated blogosphere as the number one career blogger, she is also an opinion leader teaching the world what the new voice of Generation 'Z' sounds like and um, it actually sounds a bit gravelly.

I was taken aback by the coarseness of Penelope's voice when I spoke with her during this interview; part Wicked Witch of the West, part Grandma warning you to shut the screen door before flies get in. This completely goes against the chirping birds and lullabies I hear when I see her picture and read her beautifully written stories, but then again, every woman I have met who has ever held the title of CEO has the same 'time is money' tone when offering their insight.

Who is Penelope Trunk? Meet the career blogger who annoyed the hell out of women by writing articles that challenge conventional wisdom like Why Living Up To Your Potential is BS or Doing What You Love Is a Bad Idea and let's just banish her to her lovely farm forever for telling us Don't Report Sexual Harrassment At Work, shall we? I'm kidding. Although Penelope's ideas shake the average thinker from their waking slumber by adding a dose of realism, her writing voice is soft enough to lull a harsh day. Her generous advice about being a brazen careerist in this zoinked out world is delivered with a hearty pat on the rear.

Penelope is a coveted speaker who travels the country offering business leaders and hopeful entrepreneurs insight into how we will shape the future of our workforce. She offers coaching sessions for those who need a helpful push in a new direction. She is also the best selling author of The Brazen Careerist; The New Rules For Success and have I mentioned that she is married to a farmer, a man she met through her blog. ~winning~

I didn't need background info on Penelope because there is already so much out there about the self diagnosed start-up addict, so I did the next best thing. I asked her to share 10 things that no one knows about Penelope Trunk.

This is how the conversation went.

Te-Erika: Hi, this is Te-Erika from MySavvySisters. Thank you for taking the time to do this interview.
Penelope: Yes.

Te-Erika: Um. Well, let's get right to it then. I have enough background info so I thought I'd get 10 facts that no one knows about you.
Penelope: Do I have to come up with them?

Te-Erika: No. I have a list of questions.
Penelope: Oh, Ok. Go ahead.

Te-Erika: Ok, so what's the worst thing about being in love with a farmer?
Penelope: That I have to live so far away from the city.

Te-Erika: What's your favorite style of underwear?
Penelope: Clean.

Te-Erika: When no one's looking, what do you eat?
Penelope: I don't eat in front of people. So, everything.

Te-Erika: Yeah, um. If you could be any celebrity for a day, who would you be?
Penelope: This is about as celebrity as I can handle. Getting recognized once a week is already overwhelming enough.

Te-Erika: Are you going to heaven or hell?
Penelope: No. Jews don't believe in that. Jews think everyone is good.

Te-Erika: Something you're afraid of?
Penelope: Sounding stupid in a phone interview.

Te-Erika: The last excuse you gave?
Penelope: I messed up my schedule.

Te-Erika: Rock, Paper, Scissors?
Penelope: That's such a stupid question. I can't answer. What does that question have to do with who I am?

Te-Erika: How you respond when someone asks you a stupid question says a lot about who you are.
Penelope: Hm. You're right. Go on.

Te-Erika: You get jealous when...?
Penelope: I don't get jealous, I have self hatred. Self hatred is a more honest form of jealousy.

Te-Erika: In your next lifetime, you will probably come back as a...?
Penelope: What?! I'm Jewish. Jews get one chance. That's why Jews make so much money. We only get one chance, we can't do it again in the next life.

To learn more about My Savvy Sister of the Week, Penelope Trunk, please visit her blog at PenelopeTrunk.Com.

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Connie Rice Is A Modern Day Superhero

By Te-Erika Patterson

"When you're focused on the mission, you forget that you're scared." ~ Connie Rice

Constantine "Connie" Rice, the author of the newly released memoir Power Concedes Nothing, is just one cape away from being a modern day superhero. The Los Angeles based civil rights attorney’s tumultuous work confronting the social justice ills that plagued the underprivileged in her community is the basis for this tell all book that allows the intellectual advocate to recount her personal and legal journey as she attempted to quell the violence and corruption that had become the unfortunate trademark of her neighborhood.

MySavvySisters.Com spoke with Connie Rice about her book, her background and the mental strategies she uses to achieve her goals.

According to Connie Rice, she didn’t experience much of the social and personal angst that many teenagers experience. “My parents poured a lot of attention and stimulation into my life,” Connie remembers. “I knew who I was and I had a purpose in life. I didn’t really care what other people thought about me. I was focused on my job which was to learn as much as I can about the world.”

“We were overloaded with high expectations,” Connie continues. “My first word was Mommy, my second word was Daddy and my 3^rd word was college. It’s kind of hard not to come out of that household with anything but an achievement agenda.”

As a social justice advocate Connie claims the progress she made is tied to her intricate view of problem solving. “I like to think about who is needed to solve this problem,” she offers. “I also understand who has real power. There is official power and there is real power. You figure out who has the real power and you convince them that your vision is best for their vision. You bargain with them. You try to persuade them and make them offers they can’t refuse. If you are standing in my way to a solution then I will do everything in my power to remove that barrier. If you’re smart you will join me.”

The Harvard graduate and New York University law school alumnus says her intimate involvement with the Los Angeles gangs as well as her work with the Advancement Project (www.AdvancementProjectca.org) which she co founded, is a result of her personal priority of having no fears.

“I’ve never been particularly afraid of anything,” Connie asserts. “It comes from having to perform and being focused on the mission. When you’re focused on the mission you forget that you’re scared.”

Having never been labeled as a feminist, Connie is well aware of the limitations placed on progress for women due to societal restraints. “I have never accepted the normal constraints that women have,” Connie says. “We’re supposed to fit in the space that we are allowed. I never followed that rule.”

When partnering with the Los Angeles Police Department to forge an alliance between the city’s gang members, Connie became a legend in Los Angeles. She formed a gang academy comprised of ex gangsters who willingly come forward to work with her to keep the community safe through open talks about the high stakes war between the two forces.

“We’re working very close with the community these days,” Connie shares. “We are running a community policing force. For the first time in LAPD history an officer will receive a commendation for demonstrating how they prevented an arrest versus how they facilitated one.”

Connie Rice offers these words of wisdom for any woman trying to make her dream come true.

• Everybody has to come at their goals in a way that fits their personality.
• You have to understand and accept what you don’t know and then find people who do know what you don’t know, to work with you.
• Start at the outcome and then make your plans in reverse. Ask yourself, ‘What is it that has to happen for this to happen?’
• Find another way through impossible. If it looks impossible on paper, sometimes there is another way around what looks impossible.
• I keep my eye on what matters. Life’s too short for dress rehearsals. Just get out there and do what you want to do.
• Figure out what the game is and if you want to play it play it. If you don’t, create your own game.

To learn more about Connie Rice, please visit The Advancement Project.

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- Kimberly Ang

What do you do when you’ve graduated college and you haven’t landed your dream job yet? Twenty-two year old Kimberly Ang had no idea either so she decided to take a year off to take the GRE’s, apply for grad school ad figure out her next step. After fumbling around taking odd jobs and trying to find her niche, she partnered with Amber Rackliffe to create their own.

Give Your Gap is an amazing project that offers a solution to the post graduate blues. If you can’t figure out what life after college means, why not give yourself the time and space to help others before you enter the workforce?

Amber and Kimberly created Give Your Gap to offer an alternative to toiling away at dead end jobs in between your college graduation and finding the perfect career opportunity. Give Your Gap encourages new graduates to work for non profits and social businesses on a global scale.

Women like Caryn Oppenheim who graduated from Bowdoin College interned fro a grassroots NGO, EduCARE in India for 3 months. Megan Leatherman, a University of Oregon graduate, has devoted her gap to human rights and community development work at the Kayan-Feminist Organization in the Middle East.

Graduates from across the country are flipping what many would consider to be a lull in life into one of the best adventures ever.

For Kimberly, a California native, the adventure began with lots of trepidation. “I think the biggest mental block is legitimizing the idea to yourself. As in, not thinking you are crazy,” Kimberly says. “Amber and I questioned if it was a good idea, if we could do it, if we could finance it, etc. As people started joining our team, giving us positive and critical feedback - that's when we knew we could really roll with the idea.”

You don’t have to wait years to see your daydreams become reality, the concept for Give Your Gap was fleshed out in August 2011 and a few months later, the website was launched. “Running a website is pretty inexpensive,” Kimberly shares. “ We've paid for the domain out of pocket and we use Wordpress, a very user-friendly platform. We registered ourselves as a volunteer organization, opened a bank account, and we are fully operational. I wouldn't say our dreams have already come true: GiveYourGap is still a work in progress. There's a lot that lies ahead - fundraising, website development, partnering with other organizations, etc. But we feel the organization growing every day.”

Right now Kimberly is traveling through Asia with the GiveYourGap Travel Team. They are hop-skipping around Asia meeting with nonprofits, NGOs, and social enterprises to learn more about what young people can do in global development. “We started our trip in the Philippines and have since traveled to Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia, India, and right now we're in Nepal. Theoretically, we are working-playing 50/50. We arrive in a country, try to get a bit of our bearings, meet up with a nonprofit, do interviews and meet with volunteers, and try to share what we learn on www.giveyourgap.org," Kimberly tells us.

Besides work, Kimberly and her team are backpacking, sightseeing, eating amazing cheap eats, couchsurfing and exploring cultures.

“We have met so many people on the road that have given their gaps and learned first hand about global issues,” Kimberly says. “Whether you are working in public health, economic development, education, environmentalism - getting out in the field gives you a much broader and deeper perspective of development. And what every person tells us is that in addition to learning all this stuff about their work, they learn even more about themselves. They learn how much more they're capable of, discover what types of things they really don't want to do, what things they are super passionate about.”

Kimberly offers sound advice for women who are considering starting a new venture. “Surround yourself with people who (1) believe in you and (2) are honest with you,” Kimberly advises. “Listen to them when they say, ‘This is a great idea,’ and when they say, ‘You need to take a break.’ Your core group will keep you grounded, sane, and inspired. No woman is an island!”

For more information about this fascinating initiative, please visit www.giveyourgap.org

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- LaShanda Henry

LaShanda Henry
Greenville, North Carolina

LaShanda Henry owns over 15 web properties with an interest in developing positive websites for people of color. She also offers her services as both a web developer and marketing coach to online entrepreneurs. Today she is a widely respected figure among African American women, a success story among success stories that no female internet entrepreneur is afraid to admit that she has studied and gained wisdom from.

Her passion for teaching women how to prosper began as an attempt to fill a void. “I felt there was a need for more positive reflections of black women online, which lead me to launch Multiple Shades of You Online,” LaShanda shares. “As I worked on MSOY I began developing other websites, which attracted attention. Eventually others began asking me to develop websites for them or answer their marketing questions, which lead to me transition into the service industry and the rest is history.”

This ‘history’ tells the fascinating tale of a woman whose approachable demeanor and clear cut teaching acumen has propelled her toward an unimaginable success. In order to make her dream of becoming a entrepreneur come true, LaShanda took a risk that changed her life forever.

Leaving my job and my home in New York and moving to North Carolina was a huge challenge for me,” she admits. “I made about $500 the 1st month I worked at home in NC. I felt truly blessed when I printed the 1st issue of SistaSense In Print Magazine and talked about my $5 to $50,000 transformation because that was a hard road to travel. For me the key to growth was being in tune to feedback; when people asked me for a service I learned how to turn questions into new income streams. I also researched internet marketing, affiliate marketing, and Adsense all of which helped to subsidize my monthly income and help it grow.”

LaShanda believes self motivation is at the heart of all of her work, “If you can’t self motivate yourself to get things done through fear, doubt, judgment, procrastination and all the other things that can possibly stand in your way, you will find that you never really get anything done. Self motivation is the key.”

One of the benefits of running an online empire, LaShanda believes, is her ability to be a stay at home Mom. "The best part of working at home is being accessible to my son and being able to travel and work from anywhere,” LaShanda says. “The down side of being your own BOSS is there is no clock-out time, so balancing family and business is an on-going challenge that I face.”

Most women will never realize their dream of entrepreneurship because they face unnamed fears about losing everything. LaShanda aggressively attacks this fear every day. “You have to fight your fear,” she says. “I have had so many times when I tried something new and I was so scared my stomach was in knots. Right now I am working on my new local socials and sometimes I get so anxious I want to say, ‘forget it!’ We are always going to be afraid to some degree, but the truth is that your next level begins where your comfort level ends. If you don’t fight the fear, how will you get to a place where you can reap the rewards?”

To learn more about LaShanda Henry and her amazing work please visit her latest venture SistaSense.Com.

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- Kai Soremekun

Kai Soremekun's web series- CHICK is a call to women everywhere who want to release their inner superhero. In order for Kai to recognize her own superpowers, she had to embrace a series of twists and turns which allowed her to falter and get back up, ultimately strengthening her personality and skill set.

Her career in entertainment began as a dancer which quickly changed when she realized that a career as a dancer would be much like a career as an athlete- short. She switched her focus to acting and eventually realized her dream of being cast as a regular on a television show.

"I thought life would be all laughs and giggles once I'd made it as an actress. So when the show happened and I found myself unfulfilled it kind of freaked me out. I basically had to re-evaluate my entire life," Kai says. "I realized I wanted to have more creative control over the work I did. I needed my voice to be heard. I had things to say."

When the show was cancelled, Kai enrolled in film school and fell in love with directing. "I love crafting a story from the ground up and watching it evolve through the different stages of filmmaking," she says.

Although she had achieved what most women strive for- the ability to recognize her passion, Kai wasn't always so clear about her future. "When I was in high school my plan was to become a doctor like my dad. I took subjects like physics and biology and busted my ass trying to be good in those classes," Kai remembers. "But my final year in high school it hit me just how unhappy I was taking these subjects. They weren't fulfilling me and when I got really honest with myself I realized my plan to become a doctor was more to please my dad then to please me."

Instead of going straight to University, Kai decided to take a year off to figure out what she wanted to do. On a whim she auditioned for a performing arts academy based in New York City and was accepted. After this surprise kink in her plans she had a new dilemma- should she go to University or take a left turn and head to the big apple?

"My mom was the one who told me I should go to New York because if I didn't I would always wonder what if," Kai recalls. "That was a huge turning point for me but it also created my biggest obstacle which was believing I was talented and gifted as an artist. My entire upbringing had been geared towards academics, thinking analytically and approaching life in a very black and white way. It took me years to believe in myself as an artist."

Perseverance is what helped Kai overcome her mental block. She diligently honed her craft while challenging herself. The final step to overcome her self imposed obstacle was changing the voice in her head that kept berating her by telling her she wasn't talented and didn't offer anything of value being an artist.

Once she was able to change her perception of her own value, she began to fly. "I am a bit obsessed with my work at the moment because I am developing my project CHICK and it is still in the infant stage. I rarely work less than a ten hour day."

"I think realizing your greatness is very much connected to embracing your authentic self. The underlying theme of a lot of my work, and especially with CHICK, is about characters connecting with their true selves," Kai explains. "I really believe that when we embrace our true selves anything is possible. Often times our greatness and our purpose for being here are connected to things that don't fit into the norm category. It takes courage to step out of the safe, middle of the road lane and into the special lane made especially for us."

While Kai produces, stars in and directs her inspirational web series, CHICK, she also acts in commercials, television and does modeling gigs from time to time. She says unemployment gets her through the slow periods.

"I believe society conditions us to be sheep who follow blindly. It's easy to become robotic and follow the status quo without even thinking about the choices we're making. I also think in order for the world and the human species to evolve we have to work hard at fighting the urge to stay in this comfort zone. All the good stuff, all our brilliance and potential lies outside the box."




To learn more about Kai's inspirational web series watch the video and visit WhoIsChick.Com

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The 2012 My Savvy Sister of the Year

The readers of MySavvySisters.Com were asked to select a representative from among the women honored as My Savvy Sister of The Week during our last fiscal year. The women honored ranged from New York Times best selling authors to women's advocates, entrepreneurs and television stars.

The readers selected Sikivu Hutchinson as the very first winner of My Savvy Sister of the Year.

Sikivu lives in Los Angeles, California and is the Senior Intergroup Specialist of the L.A. County Human Relations Commission.

She is the author of Moral Combat: Black Atheists, Gender Politics, and the Values Wars. She founded the Women’s Leadership Project (WLP), a South L.A.-based feminist mentoring and social justice advocacy program for high school girls of color. The WLP trains young women to advocate for gender justice in their school-communities around anti-violence, reproductive justice, media representation, undocumented student rights, college access and LGBTQ rights. To learn more about her work, visit her

As our 2012 honoree, Sikivu will join the board of directors of My Savvy Sisters, Inc. our non-profit organization whose mission is to provide the resources, information and inspiration women need to survive and thrive.

Sikivu’s message of renewal and awakening will be promoted during her time as the 2012 My Savvy Sister of the Year as we stand behind her efforts to uplift women everywhere.

The 2012

My Savvy Sister of the Year

Award Recipient

Sikivu Hutchinson

Congratulations Sikivu!

We are honored to have you represent us!

To learn more about her work, visit her MSS profile.

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Vote To Honor 2012's My Savvy Sister of the Year

MySavvySisters.Com presents the 2012 My Savvy Sister of the Year Award

This award honors one of My Savvy Sisters who were featured as My Savvy Sister of the Week during the calendar year. The 5 nominees were chosen by a selected panel of women and the winner is selected by your vote.

As you peruse the profiles of past honored women, please keep in mind that My Savvy Sister of the Year should exemplify the following traits:

• Trail blazing - My Savvy Sister of the Year is a woman who is a leader and her voice leads others to new heights in their personal or professional lives.
• Expansive- My Savvy Sister of the Year is a woman who has multiplied her talents in various areas.
• The X Factor- My Savvy Sister of the Year has that unnameable personality trait that allows her to be admired instantly. Her charm and personality shines through all of her projects and she is adored without effort on her part.

The Nominees

Sikivu Hutchinson is the author of Moral Combat: Black Atheists, Gender Politics, and the Values Wars. She founded the Women’s Leadership Project (WLP), a South L.A.-based feminist mentoring and social justice advocacy program for high school girls of color. The WLP trains young women to advocate for gender justice in their school-communities around anti-violence, reproductive justice, media representation, undocumented student rights, college access and LGBTQ rights. Read more about Sikivu.

Sherry Russell is the author of Conquering The Mysteries and Lies of Grief. Sherry is a member of the National Crisis Management Premier Speakers Bureau and has dedicated her life's work to helping people make a smooth transition through life's challenges. She is also the force behind CatchAFallingLife.Com which empowers people through holistic healing after a loss. Read more about Sherry.

Heidi Durrow is the New York Times best-selling author of The Girl Who Fell From the Sky. She is also the author of the blog Light-skinned-ed Girl. Read more about Heidi.

Nancy Colasurdo is an independently contracted Life Coach. Today, Nancy celebrates not only being debt free but also stress free. She teaches the keys she used to triumph over life's inconsistencies on her FoxBusiness Column. Read more about Nancy.

Linda Dominique Grosvenor is the author of The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate and offers daily relationship tips on her Facebook page that will inspire you to believe in and receive your perfect love. She is also the founder of the Love Better Camp, Inc. that was created to teach both men and women how to avoid counterfeits, love better and marry well. Read more about Linda.


Please take the time to VOTE for your favorite nominee. Voting ends January 11, 2012 at midnight.

VOTING IS NOW CLOSED

For My Savvy Sisters: Please leave a comment letting us know how being exposed to your favorite nominee has changed your life.

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- Sikivu Hutchinson

Sikivu Hutchinson

Los Angeles

Senior Intergroup Specialist, L.A. County Human Relations Commission


Sikivu Hutchinson is the author of Moral Combat: Black Atheists, Gender Politics, and the Values Wars. She founded the Women’s Leadership Project (WLP), a South L.A.-based feminist mentoring and social justice advocacy program for high school girls of color. The WLP trains young women to advocate for gender justice in their school-communities around anti-violence, reproductive justice, media representation, undocumented student rights, college access and LGBTQ rights.

MSS: Being Black, feminist and atheist sounds like a triple punch in the face to the "Miss Manners" generation. Can you remember what it was like to form these feminist and atheist views?

Sikivu: I grew up in a secular household, so I had a leg up on skepticism, freethought and intellectual curiosity. Both my parents were what I would call “activist scholars.” Some of my earliest memories coming of age in South L.A. in the 70s and 80s were of going to demonstrations, public forums and meetings on social justice issues relevant to the black community, particularly around the pervasiveness of police terrorism and police misconduct during that era. I was also exposed to authors, intellectuals and historical figures of African descent (many of whom embraced freethought) very early on, so this became my moral foundation.

My parents ensured that I had literature from black women thinkers and writers. My father gave me my first anthology (by Mari Evans) on black women writers in high school and my mother was a nationally esteemed English teacher heavily into forerunning womanist/feminist writers like Toni Cade Bambara, Alice Walker and Toni Morrison. These were my values. Consequently, Christianity, supernaturalism and belief in God really had no bearing on my sense of ethics, justice, fairness and identity.

MSS: Outing yourself as an atheist in this society could be painful and scary. Why is it important to you to share your views on spirituality or the lack thereof?

Sikivu: My world view as a non-believer and a humanist goes beyond the question of spirituality. There have always been black free thinkers and secular humanists who have challenged the ways in which Western notions of personhood, public morality and Manifest Destiny-style justice pivot on racial/sexual otherness and the imperialist dehumanization of people of color. The dominant culture simply doesn’t acknowledge these traditions as being a legitimate and culturally relevant part of black intellectual history and social thought. For example, mainstream discourse fetishizes black religiosity and deifies MLK as a strictly religious figure and thinker without reference to the humanist underpinnings of black liberation struggle. So my charge is to bring secular humanist traditions to the fore and contextualize them in terms of the human rights struggles that people of African descent are still waging in this so-called era of American exceptionalism, post-racialism and post-feminism.

MSS: Who is your target audience and how have they received your philosophy so far?

Sikivu: My target audience is those who are open to a different take on American social thought and the insidious moral regime that has been institutionalized by the Religious Right and its allies across the political spectrum.

MSS: Is Feminism an anti-man movement? In your eyes, what is it?

Sikivu: The idea that feminism is “anti-man” is an absurd caricature. In its most radical humanistic form, feminism is a movement for the recognition of the absolute human rights of women, their families and communities. It seeks to break down heterosexist and patriarchal models of masculine and feminine that straightjacket all genders into binary oppositional roles. Patriarchy and sexism damage boys and men because violence, domination and control over women and other men become the most “authentic” ways of being male. So, for example, feminism is a useful lens for assessing why homicide is the leading cause of death among very young African American men.

Because men of color are denied living wage jobs, jim-crowed in the educational system and over-incarcerated due to racialized sentencing disparities they have been socialized to believe that killing someone that looks like them, in order to validate a sense of manhood, identity and worth under dehumanizing conditions, is not a major barrier. Patriarchy, institutional sexism and heterosexism work in concert with each other to further institutionalize racial inequality by establishing a racial hierarchy of men and women. While violence against all women is naturalized, violence against women of color is perceived by the dominant culture as “less” heinous and more justifiable because the lives of women of color are not as valued as white women’s (which is exemplified by everything from America’s cult of missing white women to death penalty disparities for white murder victims versus black murder victims).

MSS: Where do you meet other people who share your views and insights?

Sikivu: While I don’t know scores of non-believers personally I have met many folk who have problems with organized religion and religious dogma. Some consider themselves “spiritual”, the alternative term du jour, some agnostic, some religious humanist, etc. Many of the “out” non- believers of color I’ve met have been through conferences, talks I’ve given, or online.

MSS: How do you deal with the religious pressure you come across?

Sikivu: It depends upon what the nature of the interaction is. If someone asks me what church I attend or what did I do/cook for Easter, etc. I’ll tell them nada and that I am an atheist. This generally elicits one of two responses: subject avoidance or stunned silence, followed by a volley of sputtered questions. If someone keeps trotting out religious homilies or adages in a way that presumes I’m a believer I’ll gently disabuse them.

MSS: What is your central message that you want people to understand by reading your book?

Sikivu: That freethought and humanism go beyond rejection of organized religion and demand a principled activist stance against the Religious Right’s white supremacist/nationalist/capitalist demonization of human rights. For women of color, the very act of staking a claim to self-determination is a radical humanist act which has the power to dismantle moral regimes based on destructive oppositionalities.

Visit Sikivu's website to learn more about her work at BlackFemLens.org.

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- Sherry Russell

My Savvy Sisters had the opportunity to interview Sherry Russell, the author of Conquering The Mysteries and Lies of Grief. Sherry is a member of the National Crisis Management Premier Speakers Bureau and has dedicated her life's work to helping people make a smooth transition through life's challenges. She is also the force behind CatchAFallingLife.Com which empowers people through holistic healing after a loss.

We spoke with Sherry regarding the different ways men and women handle loss and grief. In this interview she shares her most valuable wisdom with us.

MSS: Why do you believe so many women are devastated when they experience a loss in life or love? Do women feel more emotional pain than men?

Sherry: First, men as well as women may be devastated when they experience any type of loss, especially if it migrates to traumatic stress and crisis. Women and men have different expectations and reactions to loss. I think we have to look at how women and men are different to realize the full aspect of why and how women experience their emotions.

More recent research shows that strong emotion - particularly for men - can be physically dangerous. Women used to be dismissively known as the 'weaker sex' - but not true, men are more vulnerable to emotions.

Men's brains are wired for action during high emotion, whereas women's brains are wired for talking things over. From an evolutionary perspective men would have had to shut off their emotions while out hunting, so over time it has become natural for them to do so. Women experience the gamut of their emotions.

MSS: Which is the weaker sex when it comes to enduring painful situations?

Sherry: It may be hard to say since women and men have different experiences with pain. New research has found that women report more pain throughout their lifetime. Compared to men, women feel pain in more areas of their body and for longer durations.

Ed Keogh, a psychologist from the Pain Management Unit at the University of Bath said "The bottom line seems to be that women are suffering more than men”.

With the notion of gender distinctions in pain perception becoming more widely accepted, scientists are now asking why men and women suffer differently, and whether treatments need to be made sex-specific.

"Women who concentrate on the emotional aspects of their pain may actually experience more pain as a result, possibly because the emotions associated with pain are negative," Keogh said.

With all that said: To live a radiant life, we as women must feel our depth of emotion even though it may be foreign and scary to us but we come out with a profound and sounder understanding for our own life and all those we touch.

MSS: What separates the women who deal with these transitions gracefully from those who experience depression and angst?

Sherry: Reacting to grief’s experience is an individual personal reaction. Reason being, everyone is distinctive. I liken our distinctiveness to a bejeweled kaleidoscope. We are all our own amazing work of art with distinguishing features. A kaleidoscope has a finite number of pieces yet you can create an infinite number of combinations by simply rearranging them. And so it is with us. We have a finite physical life yet we have infinite ability to change our perceptions on how we see life.

Each stone in the Kaleidoscope is totally unique in its composition, place of origin, and the forces it is subjected to which influence the nature of the crystal and how it will behave. And so again, it is with us. Each of us has a unique origin. Each carries a unique genetic heritage and each of us is shaped by a distinctive combination of forces. Each one of us is a matchless pattern and therefore, sees our world in an exclusive way through our perceptions based on our understanding and our past experiences.

This being the case explains why some people seem to move forward steadfastly through trauma situations and some end up dancing a mean tango with traumatic stress.

MSS: Are there any situations where depression is a healing experience?

Sherry: Absolutely. Grief brings with it a gift – if we take an active role in our grief. To understand grief is to break apart the word, and it's associated cause and effect as applied by the experiencer. Right or wrong the degree and style of grief is simply a tool to express the self based upon one's need or desire. Grief like many emotional expressions can be very healthy or very bad for one's well being.

What do you do with it? On one hand grief is an application of expressing sadness to certain degrees. Grief affects our spiritual, emotional, and physical foundations.Actions such as tears to wracking sobs are natural, wholesome and cleansing and should not be feared. For within such basic reactions is the healing of the soul. This outpouring can be an expression of love.

MSS: What specific methods/words of wisdom do you teach women that have made a significant impact on their ability to cope?

Sherry: Narrow your field of vision to what you can control. I know this seems so odd because the whole idea of treating grief is to open up the field of vision but when the ugliness of life wakes you in the middle of the night, I say narrow the vision to what you can control. Get balanced. If you were having a panic attack you would narrow your field of vision to concentrating on your breathing and on something concrete like a chair. If your mind is filled with pain for yourself or others, by narrowing your vision, you focus your mind. Have you ever gone to sleep and had a bad dream so you turn over as if turning a TV channel? Well, that is how this works.

Get a worry stone. That will help you about as much as worrying all the time about things you cannot control. Use the stone to remind you of how worry robs you of your energy. Worry allows those things to control you. Does worry do us any good at all? Ask yourself what is in it for you to worry so much? Does your worry change things? Does it make you feel like a better person because you worry? Find an activity to transfer your worry into something positive to help the situation. For me, it is tennis or a pottery wheel for others it is grooming their dog or spending time in prayer. Do not keep putting energy into worry. All it does is deplete you. You become a robber of your own soul with worry. No one wants that especially when you can control your how you choose to perceive things.

Volunteer your expertise or your time to help someone worse off than you. I couldn’t go to help the Tsunami victims but I could reach out in my own hurricane devastated area to help those that no longer had homes and were losing their health due to stress. As a lady who is 83 said to me, this was not the way she had intended on living the last years of her life. That is where I could step in and help with small things. Some people feel like the small stuff doesn’t really count but think for a moment about a very welcome smile at a time of utter misery. A smile or someone holding a door open all are small things that can make big changes in perspective.

Trust yourself. When you are tired – sit down. When you are extra irritable – regroup. We all have a little voice in our head that says “don’t do that” or “get out of bed and face the day”. Listen to that voice. If you are feeling overloaded with anxiety look for a corner to go into for a while. So many times, I have actually longed for that corner I was stuck into in elementary school so many times. Go back to that. What did you do when you were in the corner and not allowed to turn around and not allowed to play games? You thought. Now you may have been thinking revenge but most likely you were just letting your thoughts roam and maybe planning what you would do at recess. Sometimes our teachers were right and we needed “time out”. I have a time out for my dogs. When I see one is getting overly agitated and aggressive, they go into the time out area to regroup their dog thoughts. Sure enough, when they come out they are relaxed and ready to play nice.

Accept without guilt. Second guessing doesn’t help. Carrying an extra load of guilt bricks only weighs you down and emotionally destroys. The problem with guilt is it is a manipulator. Guilt is a control mechanism. We can’t move forward very easily if we have a ball and chain as heavy as guilt tugging us back. In order to move forward you have to find a way to accept what happened and release the guilt. Sometimes there is survivor guilt. You see this especially in accidents where one or two people live and the rest die. If you were in a plane crash and the only survivor you would be asking why. Your loved ones would be so grateful and hopefully so would you but you would also feel guilt in trying to accept the fact you were left alive. Guilt must be dealt with. When you feel it, write down the best you can what you feel and why you think you feel that way. Go back and look at your notes from time to time and talk with a professional on how best to deal with the guilt.

Take time to de-stress. Relax. Did you know if you don’t take proper oxygen into your body you are putting yourself at risk? Did you know stress is an oxygen thief? Help yourself to reduce stress by avoiding unnecessary details. Follow routines because it will add structure to a stressed life. Make rest periods a high priority, diligently scheduling them before and after any activity on your calendar. If there is a period of the day when you are likely to be at your best, set aside that time for your most demanding activities. Consolidate and simplify tasks. Don't feel guilty for not getting as much done as you think you should. By overhauling certain aspects of your life, you can help yourself make it through the storms. Look for ways to make life easier for example, if you are handicap, apply for a handicapped parking permit. Contact local agencies and churches about volunteer programs they offer to help those in need. Nowadays, you can choose to have your groceries delivered to your home as well as your prescriptions. Do something new and have some fun. Life isn’t meant to be miserable. A little planning can keep you effective and happy. Focus on the miracles of the day whether it be a new blossom or a baby’s cry or a puppy finally understanding what “outside” means. Find what gives you pleasure and hone in on it, love it and harvest it.

All of this is futile if you aren’t first honest with yourself with what you need. People are able to accept you and what you offer if you are open and honest with them. Simplify your life as much as possible and learn to say "no” when you need to do so and don’t feel guilty. Everyone has to set boundaries and boundaries are only respected if you stick to them.

MSS: What are 3 things a woman can do to help her deal with her grief over a loss?

Sherry:

By taking medications on time and eating right. Allow and accept that each person will process the trauma at his or her own pace. Non judgement is a key element to employ for yourself and others.

Stay connected by communicating supportively with others and support each other's concerns, coping skills, hopes and goals for the future.

Above all, take time to rest and to regroup and be kind to yourself. Grief is an exhausting journey but you will work your way through it.


Visit Sherry's blog at CatchAFallingLife.Com

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- Nikki Geter

By Wenda Bien Aime
Contributing Writer

Ever since she was just a young girl, Nikki Geter knew that she would someday be her own boss.

She had always been a loner and learned about life from the strong group of women in her life. She has challenged and pushed herself to reach her dreams, including putting herself through college to earn 3 degrees, one being an MBA and being cautious of negative influences attempting to take advantage of a young entrepreneur.

At 31 years of age, Nikki Geter is living her dream as CEO of Liquid Events, an events management company based in Rock Hill, South Carolina. “We specialize in the development, and implementation of various special events, such as weddings, celebrations, corporate events, etc. My goal is to make sure that each bride, party organizer, or corporate client goes into his or her event knowing they have nothing to worry about because my team is already in place,” she shares. We were also pleased to discover that Liquid Events also offers an in house photography division directed by lead photography Brittany Taylor.

“I have developed a team of professionals that not only puts the needs and desires of each client first, but also continue to develop their individual skills in order to secure their position at the top of their specified field of expertise,” says Nikki.

She also takes pride in the fact that she encourages an unpretentious relationship with each client. “What sets me apart from other people in my field is the fact I establish a one on one relationship with each client,” Nikki says. “I want them all to feel comfortable enough even when their event is headed by one of my team members to come talk with me personally if they feel something is not being handled correctly. Liquid Events is my company, my brand, my name I have to make sure everything is up to par.”

Nikki definitely has a strong work ethic and is also her own harshest critic. “I find myself saying I need more bookings, I need more bookings even though I have just left a contract signing…and I put more pressure on myself than anyone from the outside could ever do,” she says. One savvy business owner that she admires is fashion mogul Kimora Lee Simmons. “She is very strong minded and juggles life betterthan anyone else in the industry.”

The ambitious businesswoman admits that she faced many obstacles when starting Liquid Events. “Starting a new company is a challenging task. Patience is not a virtue that I have completely accomplished yet but I am working on it,” Nikki admits.

The CEO divulges that the most rewarding part of being the owner of her own business is earning her independence. “Every entrepreneur wants the same things, freedom to be creative and financial success. My goals for the future are to develop Liquid Events into an event management powerhouse for the southeast. Another reward of owning my own company is the reality that I hold my own destiny in the palm of my hand and no one else can control it. With God’s grace I will accomplish all of my goals and see my dreams unfold,” Nikki says.

What advice does Nikki have for every woman out there aspiring to become an entrepreneur but afraid to make that first step in becoming their own boss? “Step out on faith. I still get nervous sometimes because one of my biggest fears is failure. In order to be great and accomplish my dreams I have to facethe possibility of failure straight on,” Nikki shares.

To contact or learn more about Nikki Geter and Liquid Events, please visit www.LiquidEventPlanning.com.

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- Sandi Amorello

Sandi Amorello is THE woman to watch, helping women to break out of their shells and recapture their perfection by embracing their inner rebel.

Sandi is the creator of GirlScoutDropout.Com, a website that celebrates women who do not follow the status quo. Her mission embodies the spirit of MySavvySisters and we are delighted to profile her as My Savvy Sister of the Week.


1) What kind of women are you targeting with your website/movement?

I'd love to connect women who are obviously already proud of their non-conformity and have a great sense of humor about life...but my real mission is to reach women who have been holding back or even totally hiding their inner rebelliousness and spirit. Maybe they feel a bit embarrassed about it, or are unsure of how to let their genuine wonderfulness shine in the world. I've always been proud of my non-conformity, but some women don't embrace that part of themselves. I'd love to help provide the community of support and encouragement they need, in order for it to be unleashed...to be set free. I want women everywhere to celebrate who they are!

2) What are 3 clear signs you may be rebellious?

If you often feel that you don't quite fit in with the status quo, often have dreams, aspirations and plans that other people (even friends and family) think are "crazy"...and know in your heart that the American idea of "success" isn't YOUR idea of success...you are probably a rebel! :)

3) Why is it important to embrace your rebellious nature?

I think that each of us has an inner "knowing" about who we are, and what we are capable of becoming and achieving.

No one else knows us better than we know ourselves. If we don't embrace our true nature, and our rebellious spirit, we are denying the world our true gifts. If we are afraid to be who we are, we can't inspire others to be who THEY are. And we all lose out.

4) How do you learn to function within society when you know you don't fit in and you can't seem to find a place for yourself to prosper due to everyone expecting you to follow the rules or walking away from you when you won't follow the rules?

I have found that the times I have been most successful are always the times when I have listened to my inner voice, and ignored the advice and negativity of others. Of course, it's important to have people to advise and help us, as we make our way in the world. We need money, clothing, food and shelter to survive. But having lost my husband, and having been left heartbroken and devastated, with three young children to raise, I know that I can survive anything. And I can live with very little, if need be. As long as I'm being true to myself, and following my heart, I know there is some universal energy that will conspire to help me on my path. I know this to be true, because people constantly cross my path to help me whenever I am following my heart. I'm not imaging it- I have actual experience with this. :)

I always ask myself, "What is the worst thing that could happen." If the answer isn't "death"...or "terminal cancer"...I go ahead and keep pursing my dream.

5) Who are some of the women YOU admire and why?

Like many of us, I admire well-known women like Eleanor Roosevelt, Katharine Hepburn and Helen Gurly Brown, for their individuality, spirit and determination. But the women I truly admire are those who aren't "famous"...but who continue to laugh and smile and shine their inner light, even in the face of tragedy, and the myriad of challenges life throws our way. To me, these "ordinary" women are truly extraordinary, and epitomize strength, courage, grace, fortitude and optimism. If you're not still laughing, you're not still living.

6) Why choose to be a Girl Scout Drop Out?

Becoming a Girl Scout Dropout is a way to be part of a fun, quirky community of women who truly embrace their inner rebel, or who might be looking for inspiration so they, too, can feel fearless, and follow their dreams. Because it was very important to me that no one be excluded, especially due to finances, so we've set up GSD so you can join us on Facebook for free, or buy a membership "welcome kit" and enjoy some of our great stuff. Everyone is welcome, because everyone has something important to share. And who doesn't needs to laugh more often?

For more information about becoming a Girl Scout DropOut, please visit http://www.girlscoutdropout.com

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- Aisha Jackson

Aisha Jackson
Sagittarius

Aisha Jackson is the 29-year-old owner of several businesses including a recycling business, marketing firm and a productions & entertainment company.

Aisha believes her personality has been the main factor in her success. “I have a go hard or go home personality when it comes to my work ethic,” she explained. “I believe that we should strive to do our very best at whatever we are involved in, whether that be our education, our work life or our personal lives. I am a woman who wins!”

Born and bred in a family that generally wins in life, Aisha is proud of her lineage of success. “My family are all go-getters. My parents are doctors and they made sure all of their children would be over achievers and conscience enough to use their talents to help others,” she explained.

She said her biggest triumph has been being a business pioneer and working on her book, Retire by 35, A Blueprint to Financial Freedom for Generation Y.

Life hasn’t always been a crystal stair for Aisha. “I had a divorce that was especially difficult and extreme sickness that I overcame in 2008 - 2009. So much happened at once that I didn't think I would make it to 2010,” Aisha recalled. “But, God helped me to rebuild myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I am happier than I have ever been in my life.”

“Being a sawy sister is important because we women all have a gift of influencing the world and leaving our mark. To me, sawy sisters are women who have it together and want other women to succeed as well, thereby empowering more women to shine.”

To learn more about Aisha Jackson and her work, please visit www.aishajackson.com

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My Savvy Sister of The Week- Heidi Durrow

Heidi Durrow is the New York Times best-selling author of The Girl Who Fell From the Sky. She is also the author of the blog Light-skinned-ed Girl.

She began writing The Girl Who Fell From The Sky in 1998 after leaving her job as a public litigator to pursue her dream of writing. “I always had this dream of being a published novelist,” Heidi explained. “But, I needed a job that would allow me to do this work. I thought to myself, I’m 28 and I have to write this book before I’m 30.”

Heidi said she struggled through the writing process and had a bout of writers block which lasted for years. “I realized that I was about to turn 35 without a book so I put myself on deadline,” she said. “The difficult part about being an artist is that no one really cares if you’re doing your work and there’s no deadline. I had to create one. I subscribed to poets and writers magazines. I started following the deadlines they posted for grants and contests and I wrote my book as a series of short stories. A year later, I won a contest.”

After facing a barrage of rejections from literary publications she created a rule for herself. “For every rejection I got, I had to send out another story to 2 more literary publications,” Heidi said. “I doubted myself for a long time because I had always been a good student and I was always able to follow the rules. As an artist you are required to break the rules. It required me to look at the rules differently. I had this buzz going and I finished the manuscript in 2004. It took me a year and finally found an agent, the same agent who represents Alice Walker. She loved the manuscript and believed in it. She sent it to about 3 dozen publishers and they all rejected it for various reasons. They were looking for more comical books or they didn’t believe there was a market for this type of book.”

After sending her book out to a dozen more publishing houses The Girl Who Fell From The Sky remained on the rejection list. “The only reason it finally got published was that I sent it out to a contest and it won. The Bell Weather Prize For Literature & Social Change awarded $25,000 in prize money and a guaranteed book contract. I had gone from being the rejected novelist to being a New York Times best-seller,” Heidi remembered.

“People keep asking me, ‘Why did you keep going after all that rejection?’ More than wanting a physical book in my hand I wanted to share a vision that I wanted the world to share in. How can I refine my vision so that people can understand that this is something they should be interested in. That was a major hurdle that I overcame,” Heidi explained.

“Being a debut novelist in an age where people are telling me that the book is dieing is a feat within itself. The book came out last year and became a national best seller,” Heidi said proudly. “This year it came back in paperback and its been on the NY Times bestsellers list for a few weeks. This is the book that editors said no one could relate to and there’s no market. Clearly there is.”

Heidi said she planned to write the next great American novel, but making such a grand goal only set her back because of the immense pressure. “Doing lots of research and having lots of information on hand so the next step and the next step makes sense. When I broke it down into increments, it seemed more doable,” Heidi said. “I had a very good friend who said ‘You are going to write 200 words per week. And you’re going to call me and read the words to me every week.’ I would write the words and I would read the words to her and she kept me accountable.Breaking down the massive dream into smaller steps is what really helped me.”

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