Vicky Christina Barcelona weaves a tale of transformation of two besties who visit Barcelona for the summer unaware that the trip will challenge their current belief systems.
I can't be like them. The leaders I've seen are manipulative and always pushing for the top spot so they can remain on top. They are excellent at getting what they want with subtle tactics. I'm kind of like that as far as subtly making what I want to happen, happen yet I don't want to have to be mean to people and take advantage of people.
I don't care if my company makes millions as long as I can eat everyday and my kids are okay. I don't understand what's wrong with me and how I came to exist in this world. There's nothing in me that wants to hurt people. I only want to help. It's so sincere that it sounds corny and I don't know anybody like me. Everyone else puts themselves FIRST.
What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm the only one like this. I feel like I'm silly for being like this. I'm not even religious and I'm like this. Why can't I be like all the others who plot and scheme and maneuver at the expense of other people's well being?
I can't do that.
So I'll never be a leader.
But what else can I be? I don't fit in anywhere else. I'm not an employee type chick. I'm not a scholar type of chick. I am definitely not a physical labor type of chick. I don't know what kind of chick I am but it's so hard because in order to be a leader, from what I've seen, you have to make sure your own best interests are FIRST.
I'm not like that. I don't know how to change that about myself.
I don't know how to change.
I feel like I'm going to get eaten alive in the business world because I don't mind watching other people prosper, in fact I want them to even if it means that I don't win.
I don't believe in competition and I won't hurt someone else to get ahead.
I don't care about winning. I just want to take care of my sons and be myself and be appreciated for that. I don't understand how to make that happen.
I was just sitting here and thinking about all the pain I used to carry with me inside.
I couldn't engage with anyone truthfully without expecting them to hurt me. Ok, I take that back- I couldn't engage with men.
I was so angry at my stepfather for not giving me what I needed most- acceptance, approval and praise. I was so mad at my children's father for not loving me the way I wanted him to. I was angry with every man for not appreciating me and I was mostly mad at myself for desiring their love.
I'm beginning to feel differently about it all.
Before I felt like they had all the power. Their acceptance and approval meant the world to me. I would weep and weep because I needed their love so that I could feel worthy. I felt like they were all out to get me and I would shrink into a little ball everytime one came near me. I felt marked for abuse.
Now, I don't give a damn.
Although it still shocks me when men are nice to me and I don't expect it to last, I still don't give a damn.
When you learn not to be a victim, the entire world transforms before you. You encounter life's inconsistencies and you don't feel as though there is something wrong with YOU- you just understand that sometimes things happen and some people just aren't good people.
You stop taking things personally and blaming yourself for other people's shortcomings and attitudes.
You understand that everyone's actions are a reflection of their hearts and if what they are showing you is less than what you feel you deserve, it's not your fault and you can't do anything about it.
Everyone is not meant to be a perfect fit to your puzzle. If they don't fit, they belong somewhere else, it's as simple as that.
If they come in trying to wreak havoc and spread their negative energy because they can't handle the pain they feel inside by themselves, you can try to work with them but you don't have to. You can move on. You are allowed to move away. They are not your personal responsibility.
You don't have to save them.
You are not a victim. Stuff happens to the best of us.
Victims live in the past and re live those painful memories day in and day out because they find comfort in re opening those old wounds. Victims want the world to feel sorry for them because they do not know how to form a new identity for themselves.
They want to forever be known as the cancer survivor, the former addict, the sexually abused kid, the woman who was cheated on. They need sympathy because they don't want to create a new identity and walk in the power of that identity.
You are NOT a survivor of ANYTHING. Something may have happened to you but it doesn't DEFINE you. It's in the past, leave it there. Deal with the consequences and move on. You CAN move forward, if you want to.
If you don't want to because playing the victim gets you further in life, go right ahead, but I don't want to hear you complain and whine about it. It helps no one. It's not your testimony- it's HISTORY!
There's a fine line to walk when you're a journalist and you're involved in a lifestyle that you know nothing about. I am naturally curious. I love understanding people's motivations and for the most part I can tell what people really mean when they say something. It's a gift, I guess.
Tonight I went to the NA meeting that was held for the shelter. Everytime someone walked in I felt bad because I didn't want them to worry that I would report that they were there. I'm not into exposing people's faults. I prefer to glorify their strengths, but most people aren't like that so I am a little wary of other people's feelings.
I hung out with a man from the shelter today. I adore him because he is so sweet to me. Yeah, he's addicted to drugs but he readily admits it. He is consistent with his behavior toward me. He gives more than he asks to borrow. I respect that he is true to himself. I am not attracted to him at all. He's more like one of my older uncles. He never makes passes at me. He doesn't mention dating me. He doesn't make sexual comments. He doesn't want a relationship. That makes me feel comfortable around him because I don't feel like if I don't give him what he's looking for, that he's going to start mistreating me.
The other men who used to be so sweet to me, now completely ignore me. I'm not sure if it's because I moved out into the back of the shelter into a trailor or because I started TELLING them how annoying it was to watch them come back from vending the newspapers, spend the money they made to get high and then ask me for money and shit. That made me want to throw up when I noticed they were doing that and I started saying, "No, I'm not giving you anything. Did you smoke today? I see where your priorities are."
It started to disgust me.
Oh well, you really see a person's character when you have to tell them NO. A person who respects you will respect your decision and not treat you any differently. I have learned not to be upset when men don't treat me the way I think they should. I've learned to just accept that some men do not honor me and that's okay with me. Those men just won't be a part of my life in a consistent way. It's no big deal. Everyone doesn't have to love me.
Today was a positive day for me. I wrote a beautiful editorial. I haven't written like that in a long time. When I was done, I was so spent from polishing and pouring out my heart that I took a nap. I submitted it to our local newspaper but we'll see if they publish it.
Everyday I'm doing that. In addition to trying to find 30 businesses and NOW 30 homeless women to profile, I'm still trying to keep adding editorial to this site and also marketing this project by myself.
I write press releases and letters and now I've started writing articles about what I'm learning about homelessness. This project is NOT about homelessness but the things I'm learning are so interesting that I feel they are compelling to write about.
But no one is interested so far, which speaks volumes in itself. Who wants to think about homelessness? Who wants to even SEE the homeless people on the streets? It scares you. It reminds you that that could have been YOU at some point or that it could be YOU in the future. You don't want it anywhere near your mind when you are relaxing.
I don't have any solutions for homelessness to share so I want to congratulate those who do make an effort to help the issue. One man told me that he has a solution for ex convicts who become homeless. He suggests that every inmate who is about to be released be placed into a work release program which would ease them back into society and also offer them a chance to save money to rent a home once they get out.
I also had a bit of a panic attack today. I can feel the symptoms coming on a lot lately but it's not a full out thing like it used to be when I was interning or when I went to poetry night to perform. I decided that when I get panic attacks it means I am not supposed to be in that environment. Maybe it's time for me to leave here. Maybe there's somewhere else for me to be. I have no idea but the anxiety is kicking in and becoming more intense everyday. Maybe it's because I am a little nervous because the owner of this shelter being so nice to me.
I spoke with my friend Anna about it last night.
"Dawg, I can not believe he has not insulted me once or even disrespected me in any way," I told her. "And now he gives me the use of the trailor so that I can work on my project. I can't handle it. I keep waiting for him to blow up at me or tell me I'm nothing and he hates me."
"Do you think interacting with him has caused you to view men differently?" she asked.
"I think it's changing things a little bit, but my bags aren't unpacked yet. He still has time to decide he hates me and won't support what I'm doing and I think I'll be relieved when he does that."
"Do you think that since you expect it, that will force it to happen?" she asked, subtly reminding me of my truth that my expectations always come to pass.
"Yeah, you're right," I replied, truthfully answering her underlying question. "When we expect things to happen, we tend to perceive any interaction as though our expectation is true. So it may not be that he will show me that he hates me but that I'll end up misinterpreting something he says as though he does. Whenever we expect something to happen, it's because we WANT it to and we won't be relieved until it does."
But I want to experience something different with a man.
I don't know how to accept kindness. I only know to expect rudeness and it always comes.
I made a video today about rebuilding my life. The question kept nagging me all morning so I decided to flip the camera on and talk about it: What am I rebuilding my life into?
Do I really want to go back to what I was doing before?
Does rebuilding my life mean re joining the rat race for shelter?
What can I do that will be different from before when I kept taking low paying jobs like waitressing because I enjoyed the flexibility and I love serving people.
Why are the jobs I love so much, the jobs in public service, so damn low paying?
I don't want to be destitute. I want a home and a nice car and a bank account that overflows and I want to always be able to do nice things for people and to give my sons the best of the best. How can I do that as a waitress? How could I do that working in customer service? How could I do that without giving up my soul and becoming a shell of who I really am to "win" in corporate america?
I don't want to miserable to make money.
I don't want to work in anyone's office and put up with the petty BS that goes on there from people whose insecurities outnumber the file cabinets they mindlessly fill with documents. You work 5 days to recover from it in 2. You HAVE to go get wasted on the weekend so that you can experience some sense of freedom from the brainwashing and phony person you have to be all week just so you can flaunt your toys for people you don't even like.
What kind of mess is that? You end up being a slave to the toys you own. You HAVE to get up everyday just to keep that shiny new car. You HAVE to stay in abusive situations at work, just so you can buy a new dress. That's not life to me. That's hell on earth and I'd rather have NOTHING than live a life of misery like that, playing this fake ass role in some office and having to pretend I value the role.
I can't do it! I've tried!
I studied my counselor's behavior last semester. Yes, I was in counseling and one of the issues i wanted to deal with was my inability to conform. After noticing that my counselor had two personalities that he would slip into without noticing I called him out on it and he said, "It's called adaptability."
Ugh!
So I tried it when I started my internship. I would smile and wave and say, "Everything is great!" when people asked me how things were going.
I hated every minute of that shit and it wasn't the clients. The people I counseled as I began the last leg of my masters degree were awesome and I admired their courage to come and seek help. It was the environment. The silly ass people there.
I never fit in anywhere but I think maybe that's because I'm supposed to do my own thing. But what is that? I don't think I'll find it in an office.
Just the thought of rebuilding my life and going back to that makes me ill.
I feel like I'm 17 years old again. I'm getting giddy at the thought of putting on a cap and gown and marching down the athletic field and accepting a real high school diploma from a real high school principal. This is something that's been 17 years in the making and it excites me in a way that very few things could. In less than a month, I'll be holding my high school diploma; a diploma that colleges will actually consider and not laugh about. It's hard to contain my emotions when I think about it and lately it's something I think about all day, every day.
On Monday of this week, I turned in the last of my high school work at the Vermont Adult Diploma Program. It has been a challenge to get it done in under three months and I have worked hard at it. I have enjoyed the process but I'm also relieved to finally have everything turned in time, knowing that it's finally finished. I did all of my school work when I was in my teens, but my parents denied me my high school diploma so I've had to do it all over again in a very short amount of time. I feel like I've just been through four years of high school in just three short months. The feeling of completion and knowing that I will be holding something that I've been working towards for all these years gives me a huge feeling of accomplishment and self-worth.
The process of earning my high school diploma has had far reaching effects, farther than I would have thought possible. At first I thought I was doing this just for myself but over the course of the last three months, I have seen the fire I lit for myself spread to others around me. My daughter is excited that I will be starting college courses in the fall and has been telling all of her friends about how proud she is of me. I'm showing her a first-hand example that women are valuable in our society and that we can be assertive and work towards our goals and accomplish them with hard work. My husband has been telling the guys at work about my accomplishment and journey of academic freedom. My sister received her GED two years ago and when she found out about me taking college courses this fall, she has found motivation to pursue a higher education in the near future. Friends have told me that they are going to pursue goals that they have let sit on the back burner for years due to seeing me step out and grab hold of something that I desperately wanted.
I have come to realize that my journey has become so much bigger than myself. What started out as something that I wanted to do for myself has morphed into something I never took into account when I began. It has grown and touched others. It has made me a better person while also making other better people. What started out as a personal journey has gathered fellow travelers and it's always more exciting to have company along the way with a common destination in mind. This journey may have turned out differently than I envisioned it to be when I first started, but the changes have been welcomed and embraced with an open heart and mind.
About the columnist:
Erika Martin was withheld from attaining her high school diploma and a higher education due to living in a spiritually abusive upbringing. She is currently working towards attaining her high school diploma and plans to pursue a degree in Psychology after graduation this June.Erika will highlight relevant news and information that relates to education as well as chronicle her journey toward her diploma.
Sure, I am blessed to be an inspiration but that only came once I realized that I have all the power to change my perspective. I no longer seek out the filth, pain and anger related issues that used to sustain my negative countenance and view of the world. I was once one of the most pathetic people you would ever meet, consistently looking for sympathy or a solution from someone else because I felt powerless.
I am no longer a victim. How did that happen? I am a student of success. I study successful people for fun. I love reading biographies and analyzing business models. Every job that I have had, I took the time to notice how each employer motivated their employees and its affect on me. From all the studying that I've done and all the profiles that I have read, there are 5 distinct people that I think of everyday who inspire me when I begin to feel hopeless about my mission.
1. Harriet Tubman Harriet Tubman was a slave who ran away to find her freedom and eventually led hundreds more to the same escape. As I read about her I was filled with a sense of hope about my mission. This woman had a dream that she could not even begin to understand. What is freedom? It was a concept that she only dreamt about. How do you make a move toward a dream that you don't understand?
I wept when I read her story because she forced people to wake up and realize that a huge chunk of their lives were missing. She led them toward this dream of a new life and they didn't even want to go. She risked her life many times for the well being of others. She broke the physical chains of slavery and allowed other slaves to experience a piece of heaven that they had no idea even existed.
How could she do that with no education and no resources? How do you dare to dream for others? She was a strong woman. It wasn't about her looks or her connections, it was about her MIGHT.
And I am inspired by her. I hope one day, this lofty dream that lingers in my spirit, will allow me to do the same thing although I am not half the woman she was.
2. Queen Latifah Who is she? A rapper turned actress turned global icon. How did she do that without scratching her reputation at all?
I watched her rap about UNITY and then saw her with her own series. I watched her turn into a household name and then go one to be endorsed by multi million dollar companies. How did she do that? Was everything strategic? She is my dream interview. I would love to know what she did and how she remains so cool while she's consistently adding to her empire.
She is an inspiration to me.
3. Florence Scovel Shinn I don't know this woman. I've never seen her. I've never heard her speak. I didn't watch her career evolve but I do know, her book THE GAME OF LIFE AND HOW TO PLAY IT, changed my life in its entirety. It taught me personal responsibility for my life and it snatched away my tendency to act like a victim. I hated who I was before I read that book and I love who I am today even when I am disappointed with myself.
Her teachings are the core of everything I teach and every principle that I live.
4. Michelle Obama This is not a Black thing, this is a strength thing. All jokes aside, I KNOW FOR A FACT IN MY HEART that THIS WOMAN is the woman behind the man who runs the most powerful country in the world. THIS WOMAN is the woman who nourishes him and takes care of him and drives him to succeed. She whispers words of instruction in his ear and guides him in his position.
She is the heart of his success.
5. Kanye West Kanye is the only reason the title of this post isn't 'Top 5 Women Who Inspire Me'. I had to have him on this list because the story he tells through his music mirrors my own desire to reach my own version of success. He is so inspirational and I love how he shows his emotional side. He is a true artist in every sense of the word. He is fearless, original and silly.
Someone forgot to tell him about society's rules for behavior and I am so glad. He's not a puppet. He's not looking for approval. He is not swayed by popularity. He is so amazine.
Sure, I want to have a baby with him just to see what we would get, but more than that I would love to have a chance to do a creative project with him on any level. Both of our creative talents combined would be too much for the world.
When he sang, "You're gonna touch the sky, baby girl," I believed him.
68 bodies were found in ten burial mounds in a soccer field in Abidjan in the Ivory Coast.Guilaume Ngega, the Deputy Director of U.N. Human Rights Division claims the pro-Laurent Gbagbo militias are probably responsible for the killings.Families identified the dead and were interviewed in addition to possible witnesses.The brutal murders happened on April 12, a day after Gbagbo was arrested by the army –Gbagbo militias supporters are raged in the nation’s democratic elected leader Alassane Ouattara in last November elections.
Microsoft Corp is in the works to buy Skype for 8.5 billion dollars in cash.Skype who have 145 million internet users on a monthly basis will become a new business division for Microsoft.Tony Bates, Skype current Chief Executive will head the division. As this deal is a great move for Skype experts find this deal unfavorable for Microsoft.
Prime Minister Yusuf Raza Gilani of Pakistan addressed the Pakistani Parliament informing them there will be an investigation conducted on how Osama Bin Laden lived in Abbottabad unnoticed for the past six years.The prime minister appointed Lieutenant General Javed Iqbal to lead internal investigation in the Pakistani military and police. Prime Gilani said Pakistan is not the birthplace of AL Qaeda nor did they invite Osama Bin Laden to Pakistan--Pakistan is determined to eliminate Al Qaeda and terrorism in Pakistan.Simultaneously, approximately 500 protestors marched outside in outrage over the killing of Osama Bin Laden by the US secret agents.
A fire in the Big Cypress National Preserve has caused Miami Dade and Broward County to under smoke manifested filled atmosphere throughout the counties--The National Weather Service issued an air quality advisory warning drivers to take precautions while driving.Forecasters are predicting that air conditions will remain the same over next few days.The brush fire is believed to have started by lightening two weeks ago--officials report the fire is 60 percent contained, but over 35,000 acres have been burned.
I realize that now. I am too sweet of a person and too sensitive to cries for help to do this. Here at the shelter, everyone needs help and they're not afraid to ask.
I cried tonight because I keep trying to help and help and there's no end to the asking.
Maybe I'm not meant to be in this business of helping others. Goodness knows, if someone needed a shirt, I'd pass mine along. But some of these people don't need a shirt, but they'll take it anyway. They'll laugh at you afterward for giving it to them as if they got over on you. They consider you weak. Maybe I am. I have a weakness for people in need.
I try not to give what I don't have but it's getting to me how hopeless people are and how much they need.
I think I need to get out of here but I don't know where to go. I still haven't rebuilt my life yet and I find my heart is turning cold towards the people in this shelter.
I never had a cold heart. Most people call me a sucker because my INSTINCT is to help. I'm learning, the hard way, that people will take and take and take and then walk away and ask someone else if you don't give it.
But how do you distinguish those who are truly in need from those who are simply trying to get over?
I have to toughen up.
But for now I'm thinking this place isn't for me. I'm beginning to be disgusted.
I pulled myself back together after the frustration of realizing that I have to remain homeless for at least another month.
I sat down and made my next objectives:
1) Secure employment in journalism, try to sell my stories 2) Interview 30 employable homeless women 3) Secure donations for the grant for the homeless woman 4) Research more resources for women in need 5) Market this project more
So now I have to organize it. I can't spend the entire day working on ONE aspect of the project or I'll get bored unless I'm in a zone so every morning when I arrive at Panera Bread in North Miami, I sit down and smile and check my email and then I decide to do one thing at a time.
This morning I'll write a little and then I'll reach out to all the shelters and ask for appointments to come visit and try to find women to profile.
Yesterday, I pitched my story ideas to a few publications to try to sell them to be able to have income.
Oh yeah, I DID meet up with that guy yesterday.
I wasn't nervous about engaging with him at all because I don't care if men like me, I expect them to think I'm weird anyway.
So he agreed to pick me up outside of Burger King and drive me back to the shelter.
As I stood outside of Burger King, a man pulls up and tries to flirt with me. I'm laughing at him and he's taking it as I'm flirting back. Another man comes up and does the same thing.
I'm looking down at my sweat pants and t-shirt with my sweater tied around my waist like, "What do these dudes SEE?" I'm certainly not beautiful today.
While the guys are trying to keep my attention, the guy I met the other day pulls up and I smile. It reminds me of when I was young and beautiful in college or highschool and life was all about handsome men in nice cars coming to see you. He's actually way more attractive than I remember. In fact, he's a little TOO attractive for me. I'm kind of a plain jane, earthy type of chick and he looks like one of those guys who needs to date a supermodel. Not my type.
But I hop into his beautiful ass car, shiny red with rims and everything and we drive off. The conversation is awesome. He tells me he was a basketball player overseas and was injured a few years ago so now he's working and trying to figure out what he wants to do next.
I have a gift for understanding what people's underlying needs are and I see that he needs to feel honored. He's a cool dude though. I'm kinda upset that he didn't flirt with me and try to sleep with me which is exactly what I NEED right now to de stress but then again, maybe it's for the best.
When I got back to the shelter, I sent him a thank you text and walked in to find that everyone was locked out of the shelter because of a sewage problem.
I walked around and around waiting for something to happen so I could video tape it.
I'm at the shelter and I am homeless and people treat me well there. At the end of the fiasco I came up with an idea to make a news report to show some of the things that happens at the shelter.
While the media focused its frenzy on the royal wedding and the death of Osama bin Laden, Wikileaks published one of the most threatening findings underway at the federal level of government. For those of who do not know about the international non-profit organization, Wikileaks publishes private, classified secret information submitted by news sources and whistleblowers. The document can be found here http://wikileaks.ch/cable/2005/01/05OTTAWA268.html, between Ottawa, Canada and Washington D.C. created January 28, 2005. Barely reported by the media and unacknowledged by the White House, pushed aside as a conspiracy theory, I believe this memo proves otherwise.
This cable that was released for the American people to view, is about the secret workings of the creation of a North American Union. The memo talks about the economic and security benefits of integrating the north american continent; Mexico, Canada and the United States of America. The memo also mentions how this idea “should not be oversold” to the public in fear of retaliation, rather than it mentions how they could achieve this by taking an “incremental approach to integration.” Once economist can establish a single market, the cable mentions creating a single currency, such as the Euro, or as the conspiracy theorists called it the Amero.
This memo goes into further detail how integration is already occurring with the passage of NAFTA, the North American Free Trade Agreement, which set up free trade between Mexico, Canada the United States, in 1994. Along with other bilateral and unilateral actions that have been taken by each countries governments. The memo covers process, border vs. perimeter, border risks, labor markets, regulation, customs union and currency union. With congressman Ron Paul warning the American people during the Bush years about this behind the scenes event taking place, it was his outspoken attitude that alerted the people and allowed the people to stall the construction of the NAFTA superhighway, which was suppose to start construction in 2007.
What this memo indicates is that our government, the men and women we elect to honor and protect our country and our constitution have betrayed us. The America that we were taught about in history class does not exist any longer, in place we have a hijacked nation being run amuck by unimaginable greed and corruption. I know it is shocking and I feel betrayed as well, but now that the truth is out we must not lose sight of what we as sovereign people must do to protect our freedoms and liberties. It is now obvious that our elected officials do not have our best interests at mind.
So what can we do? First and foremost 2012 elections are around the corner as the contenders begin bashing it out on debates and town hall appearances. Do not be fooled, we must be the educated voter when going to the polls, instead of voting on party lines or voting for who has the best commercials, it is time we do our research on who these people are, who is funding their campaign, where did they come from and what are their interests in taking office. We need to elect people that want to help with the advancement of civilization and assist in creating a peaceful society. We need to elect officials that are willing to stand up to Corporate behemoths, greed and corruption. We need to elect officials who are not afraid to regulate markets and end the wars. We need people that will help reclaim our once great nation and take charge against the powers that be. As the old world begins to crumble, what role will you take to help shape our future?
Peace & Harmony,
Christina
About the Columnist
With a bachelors degree in political science from Florida Atlantic University, Christina Fermin has always cultivated her love for history, politics, sociology, ancient knowledge and teachings, the outdoors, the ocean and the environment. Christina strives to make our world better by helping us all create a new reality and understanding of all taking place here and now.
I am trying to highlight the good parts of this project, trying to keep it positive. Trying to joke as much as I cry.
This project is tearing me up inside most days because I know who i am in the inside. I KNOW it. My circumstances don't match though.
I feel guilty for being here and being a journalist while these women have such little hope for themselves or resolving situations and I can't help.
I feel like a little mouse unable to save the baby mice.
I feel so sad right now. But I'm trying to focus on my project.
I didn't try to be so involved with the homeless lifestyle. I just became homeless to show that I could rebuild. Then I met them one by one, women with hopes, sincere smiles, sad stories.
I met them and I loved them.
I hugged them and I wanted to help them. I couldn't.
I can't.
And i hate that I think of myself during the nights when all I long for is a pair of arms to wrap around me and wake me up from this dream.
I feel guilty for wanting a kiss.
I feel guilty for knowing each and every day that one day this experience will be a memory for me. I'm not stuck. I don't know HOW to get out but I will. That's what I do.
Nothing is permanent. There's something for me to do here. I can't see what it is or how I'll get it done. The problems these women face are problems that I can't fix- not by myself.
I won't try to carry the burden but in my heart I do anyway.
That's the way I am. Sometimes I wish I could just walk by and not help or care or be concerned but I can't.
Today I spent the day at Panera Bread working on my project. I redefined things a bit more and reached out to publications telling them that I can write about what I have learned, asking for a chance to write so that I can earn money as a writer while I continue to fundraise and research.
I'm crossing my fingers but I do have some awesome revelations to share.
After I was done working one of the women here came to me and said, "I have some bracelets a woman gave to me. I think you'd like them."
When she pulled them out of her bag I gasped.
These are sooooo ME!
My eyes lit up!
Oooh! I'll rock these with some bronze hanging earrings, my brown strapless dress that sweeps the floor and open toed heels and I'll wear my gold makeup and look like the African Princess that I am!!!!
Then my heart sank.
You don't have that brown dress anymore.
Your heels are gone.
You have no makeup.
You only have sweat pants and t shirts.
You've gained weight too. Your stomache is pudgy now.
Ugh.
Then I cried again.
This is the first time that I have REALLY missed my old clothes. I was never too into shopping. In fact, most of the things I wore were hand me downs from my friend Marsha who is a shop-a-holic. But I wore those things with pride and I was always so beautiful in them!
I felt like a princess in those flowy dresses with no bra and no panties. I always got compliments wherever I went. I always felt like such a star.
I met a man today.
I'm not usually attracted to men physically because physical attributes aren't what attract me to men but THIS man had that weird vibe and look that makes me laugh so I went up to him and said Hi. He smiled and said Hi back.
"I'm trying to pick you up," I said in my usual straight forward, flirty, aggressive tone.
He smiled and wrote down his number.
"Tonight?" I asked.
"It's mother's day. What about tomorrow?"
I frowned. "Ok, enjoy your family. Tomorrow is fine."
I walked away laughing. I love it when I get what I want.
Then I walked down the street and called my sister and told her I finally met someone I was attracted to.
"What are you going to tell him about being homeless?" she asked.
Oh.
Ugh.
People think homeless people are dirty.
They think we smell.
They think we have germs.
Yesterday I went to visit my Mama and as soon as she opened the door she asked, "Did you bathe?"
I raised my eyebrow. "MAMA!" I couldn't believe she said that.
"Go right to the shower. Here's a fresh bar of soap."
She washed all of my clothes including my sneakers and forbid me to touch anything until after I had washed thoroughly.
I was amused but also confused.
Damn. That's messed up.
I am pretty sun burnt from collecting donations out in the sun. My face is blotchy. I have no make up. My clothes kinda match but not really. I wear comfortable stuff now- not trying to be pretty at all.
Who'd want to date a homeless chick?
I don't care anyway. I have bigger things to do. It's just, well, I don't like being treated like a leper or feeling like I have to apologize for being homeless or explain. I would like a hug. I would like to be touched.
Who'd want to kiss the homeless girl?
With no clothes. No shoes. No makeup. No car. No job. No nothing.
Just a dream, a plan that keeps being revised, and a camera around her neck.
I know I can get more "stuff". I know that. It's just, I miss FEELING pretty.
Leaders are ruthless.
