Tuesday, July 26, 2011

REBUILD: I'm Still Okay

I'm not depressed. I'm not feeling sad. I don't feel overwhelmed by anything except the fact that I really need a consistent place to work and rest.

Yes, I ended up in a situation where a man took advantage of me sexually but I feel like it's mostly my own fault and I'm not even angry with him. I just want to move on from this. I've been getting letters of concern from women everywhere and I appreciate that but then I feel guilty because it's like offering a band aid to someone who isn't bleeding.

I'm okay.

I'm glad that I'm okay. It's not a super strength that I have, it's really just, I have too much to do besides focus on that incident. The police called me today while I was sleeping and I didn't call them back. I don't want to. I don't want a bunch of people sitting in my face blaming ME when I already blame myself.

I wish this hadn't happened or better yet, I wish I hadn't told anyone.

Today I came to my little sister's house. This is the first time since this project began and she has been inviting me to come take a break but I have turned her down because I needed to focus on my project and offering wisdom to women. I see that's where I went wrong. I wouldn't accept her offer of help but I was willing to accept a strangers.

I'm not trying to make this more difficult on myself. If I was aiming to do that I would have left the shelter and chose the street life a long time ago. I'm nowhere near perfect it's just, I, I think I am growing too fast and no one understands that nothing matters.

Nothing matters.

Everything in my experience is on loan to me. My sons are on loan to me. My family is on loan to me. My life is on loan to me and there is no guarantee when my time will be up. I have dedicated myself to serving women and teaching them how to survive and thrive yet, I know that I have to make choices that will sustain my own happiness. I'm already in a rough enough situation with very little time for joy or pleasure.

I'm learning a lot. Things I wish I hadn't learned and I'm experiencing things that I would never have experienced had I not chosen this path yet, I'm good. I'm good with everything from this moment. My failures teach me. My mistakes heal me.

My heart guides me and although I know that my success and financial sustenance will come to me, I am still here, with nothing, waiting for my next direction, hoping for a chance. The same chance I walked away from a few years ago when I had the job of my dreams and I didn't know what anxiety was and that I was suffering from it.

I beat myself up about walking away from that for years. It wasn't until I began this project that I really understood that my path wasn't meant to find success through a job. Not like that one.

I don't even know if it makes sense or if this project makes any sense all I know is that right now I have a job that I love and all I need is a place to live with a strong five bar wifi connection and someone to smile at me every so often.

I don't need revenge or justice. The world can rape me and take everything I have. Everyone can decide that they hate me. None of my dreams can come true. I can be denied love and my life can even be taken away.

I'll be okay.

And even when I'm not, I'm still okay.

I'm not a superwoman today. It's just a decision I made to not be devastated.


I read your piece and watched your video and even though you say you're okay, I must tell you that you sound like you are given up on life!

No, I think she has just decided not to let the diffculties that life sometimes offer, dictate who she is and the rest of her life. Thats not an easy task to do. And that is what you are hearing and seeing in her videos and writings. It takes strength and energy to move on from all that she has been through. So dont take it as weakness. She is just fighting her way through.

I love you girl and I miss you.



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