Monday, July 11, 2011

REBUILD: Something Is Wrong

I can feel it.

My sons called me yesterday to check up on me and when I told my younger son I was sitting outside he asked, "Are you going crazy?"

I hesitated before responding, "No, baby. I'm okay."

But I'm not.

Since being here I realize that if I do happen to be mentally ill, it's definitely not that bad. But people have been saying that I'm crazy for so many years. It's usually people who don't understand me or people who dislike me, as most people who meet me dislike me. Average people with basic expectations hate me. But I don't mind. It's all a weeding out process.

Anyway, yesterday when I was at work, I had this thought, "After this shift I have to go back to the shelter." Then my eyes began to tear up and my chest tightened. Then I started to feel really sad. The sadness spiraled until I felt stuck in a black hole. I'm beginning to be paranoid again. I used to suffer from that very badly and it only went away once I stopped being around people and sat happily at home working on my website and learning.

I was a hermit until I started this project and now look at what I got myself into. I'm constantly surrounded by people and the MEN are constantly criticizing this project and questioning my motives. It's annoying and frustrating.

I am having regrets. Yes, I have them every single day. Part of me fights inside to give myself kudos because although nothing went the way I planned it, I stuck it out and met my expressed objectives. But the other part of me just wants to go and hide somewhere because I feel like a complete failure at life and I find myself constantly asking myself, "Where was I the day that they were giving out whatever it is that makes people be fake and phony and adjustable and satisfied with the status quo?"

Why didn't I get some?

I am dysfunctional.

And the only thing I can do about it is glamorize my dysfunction and make the most of it hoping that somehow I can figure out how to make it work for me.

But today. Today. I am feeling mighty low, mighty low. This shelter living is not the way. I don't see how anyone could do this long term. It takes a certain mentality to be able to handle it and I don't have it.

I feel even more like an alien than before. But it's okay. I'm going to do some more research and present more information so that no one, NO WOMAN, will ever have to feel like I feel right now.



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