Tuesday, May 24, 2011

REBUILD: In The Midst Of This

So I can't sleep. I have no idea why. I woke up around 8am. Oh that's probably why.

Usually we have to wake up by 5am so those extra hours must have given me an extra boost. I went out today looking for businesses and was surprised when I get one. It's hot on the bus. It's hot sitting on the corners waiting for the buses.

I'm on the fence now with my money. I realize the difference between this month and last month is the fact that I am now more focused on my project rather than the homeless lifestyle. That is why I am moving forward in my goals much easier.

I now have 16 businesses that have pledged to give homeless women and women in distress a chance at employment. I ask them to promise that if I call them they will at least offer an interview to the women I refer.

Today I received a phone call.

"Hello," I said.

"Hello," a woman said and paused. "Is this the woman who helps women in distress?"

I gulped, "Yes. That's me. How can I help you?"

I almost cried at that moment.

Am I really the woman who HELPS?

Is that ME?


Who'd have thought. I dream of being that woman, the woman that other women come to for help. I have to figure out how to help myself.

I don't know.

I know all the ways that don't work out for me but I don't know what DOES work. Yes, I do. I know that when I'm working on this website, managing writers, doing interviews and writing inspiration, I feel alive and FREE. I know that when I'm doing investigative work trying to find ways to help women I feel purposed. I know that when I'm making videos and being creative my soul feels fulfilled.

But none of that has helped me so far. I've been making videos on youtube since 2007. I've been writing long before that. I have ebooks and even a print book for sale yet, none of it seems to mean anything right now.

Or does it mean something and I just can't see it yet?

Oh. There's a man in here who is in love. It's nothing new, it happens all the time. But the woman he loves, well, she's the 2nd woman he's been in love with since I got here. He's making me jealous because he's able to experience love on more than one occasion.

He loves easily but he loves sincerely. He loves hard. I enjoy listening to stories about their conversations and interactions and now he's even dreaming of one day getting out and doing something else so he can be with her. I hadn't heard him talk like that before.

To me it sounds like an addiction. Homelessness can be an addiction, because it becomes a comfortable trap. In order to kick the addiction, there must be something you want more than THIS.

I flirted with a guy online tonight. It felt so fake. Seeing how men react to me now that I'm homeless has really gotten to me. I used to think men thought of me as disgusting in secret but now it has come to the surface and it hurts.

I am NOT disgusting. I take showers everyday. I wear clean clothes all the time too. You don't have to be smelly just because you're homeless. Most homeless people who look like that do it on purpose. One woman told me, it makes people ignore her and not bother her, which is why she does it.

On the way to speak with one of the businesses that partnered with me, I saw the gate to the radio station open. I went inside and spoke with the receptionist and she gave me an email to a contact to get my job fair announced on air. I hope it works. If it happens, I may be able to get the rest of the 14 businesses I need to finally complete this project.

I'm almost out of money too. Because I focus on my project more than collecting donations on the street corners, my funds are dwindling.

I need another donation, or a job. The job fair costs money. I can't work a job and do this project but something has to give because going out to find businesses takes money too.

I asked the Universe for help today and I'm at peace that it will come. I am just as peaceful as my friends are about this project. None of them worry about me at all which makes me laugh and frustrates me a little. "You always bounce back," they tell me. "I don't worry about you at all."

I dreamt about Kanye and my other imaginary boyfriend last night. Ofcourse Kanye was into some other chick, as he usually is when I dream of him but at least he spoke to me and smiled at me as we stood in an art studio doing fingerpainting. My other imaginary boyfriend, well, i forced him to make out with me and he tried to run but I caught him and threw him down on the bed and we rolled around kissing and laughing. I was relieved to know that he is okay.

I spoke to my kids today. They had tales of school, girls and fighting with each other. My older son is exasperated with me, I can tell, but he lets it go. I'm not a regular mom. I've never been. The truth is, my sons are better off living with their father for now while I figure out just how I can use my talents to sustain myself. I have no clue.

It's tough having an artist's heart and having responsibilities. I either feel like I'm dieing and take care of my responsibilities or feel FREE and ALIVE as I create and evolve as a leader, enduring hunger pains along the way.

Oh yeah, I spoke with my friend Anna today. After I updated my facebook page about my new number of businesses, a couple of people wrote about how I inspire them and they are proud of me.

"How can I be an inspiration?" I asked Anna. "When I think of inspiration I think of Harriet Tubman and Oprah. Those are people to aspire to be like."

"When I think of inspiration I don't think of Harriet Tubman," Anna said. "I think of everyday people I know who do things that I admire."

"Hm, I wonder why I don't admire everyday people," I asked.

"You admire people like Harriet Tubman because that's where you are going," Anna explained.

Is that it?



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