Monday, June 27, 2011

REBUILD: Something's Different

I can feel it now.

What was once a mystery to me is now plain.

Now I see why some women who go through trials lack the confidence they need to move forward. I'm working two jobs now and even though I go in and learn as much as I can to move forward with making money, there's something in me that won't allow me to relax.

I'm still living in a homeless shelter but I'm not ashamed of that. No, I am not as attractive as I used to be but I don't care about that. Yes, I have to take buses and walk everywhere I go but then again as I'm walking and taking the bus I am more grateful to have legs and to have the MONEY to take the bus, so that's not holding me back.

What is it?

I think the divide is more wide than it used to be. I'm meeting too many people. My anxiety seems to be coming back. It's not like I care what people think of me, although with my chronic bad breath and the fact that I smell like this homeless shelter, I am self conscious about my smell. I think it's just, with the project, man, it's not something for common conversation.

How could I bring that up in conversation when most people are talking about marriage and boyfriend drama and school? I'm feeling the rejection and disdain for myself for being a homeless person yet I am not surrounded by seemingly "normal" people who don't know anything about me. I have to smile and wave and pretend to be normal. I'm not.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to work. I am so grateful for BOTH jobs. I just wish, I could feel the way I felt before and I don't really know what that feeling is but I know it's missing.

Something has changed in me.



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