Saturday, July 2, 2011

REBUILD: Today's My Birthday

My birthday is today.

I enjoyed the first half of my day because I spent it smiling and making this video.

The rest of the day was spent chasing an internet connection because the man I've been sharing a space with said he is fed up with my personality and complained to the owner that he can't stand being near me.

That made me laugh more than anything.

Although I HAVE complained about him on this blog, I haven't told too many more people about it besides my sister. I know I'm a bit MUCH. I spend a lot of time correcting his ass because he talks so much shit about everyone and I don't want to hear it.

The owner of the shelter is such a diplomat. I felt so stupid and petty standing in his office explaining why I cursed that man out because he called that woman a piece of shit retarded bitch. The woman is long gone and we'll never see her again so she'll never know how much she was discussed after she left but I just couldn't take it anymore.

I'm like that all the time though. A man, saying some stupid shit about a woman just sets me off. I have to learn how to control that. Even if the woman is DEAD WRONG, I still can't help but defend her. I'm always getting into arguments with men over how they talk to women and ME.

The crazy thing is, I'm starting to think that I am the crazy one. Do most people you know talk shit about each other? Do most people you know think it's fun to release their anger on others? Do most people you know intentionally hurt others when they are upset? Do most people you know think people are stupid?

Today a man got so mad at me because, well, i was innocently walking up the sidewalk when some man I never saw before says, "Hey, can you do me a favor?"

I wrinkled my nose and said, "First of all, you need to say hello before you go ASKING me for things. I don't even KNOW you!"

He was so hurt. He said, "I've spoken to you plenty of times."

I shrugged. I don't remember you.


I know I have all these imaginary boyfriends and stuff, but in real life, I don't give men a chance to get close to me at all. I only give the assholes a chance, just so I can prove to myself that all men are assholes. If I surround myself with assholes then my hypothesis is true; all men are assholes.

It's the same with you. Everyone is always trying to prove that what they believe is correct.

Another one of my limiting beliefs is; there is no place for me in this world.

Because I believe that, whenever I find myself beginning to get too comfortable in a situation and people start to talk to me regularly or want to hang out, I freak out and start feeling anxiety and want to leave.

I can't let anyone get too close because I'm trying to prove myself RIGHT that there is no place for me in this world and no one could love me.


Anyway. I could write all day about the things I wish I could change but really, today's not the day to do that.

I may not be where I want to be. I may have set out on a mission that failed. I may not be who i want to be, but I'm here so I may as well make the most of it, at least in my own mind.

In my mind I have a lot of fun. I love myself. I am rich. I travel. I am loved by many. I am a success.

I like it in my own mind.

I like it when I'm deep in there enjoying the bliss of being me.

I feel some poetry in me.

I wonder how deep it could be.

I can't wait to get my own place. I can't wait to close the door and allow no one in. I want to relax and be free to be me and have nobody complain or think they can tell me the way to go.

Some say, I'm running from the world. Maybe I am.

I'm trying to save the world, yet I am so often bruised by it because I'm so sensitive.

Well, I took myself out to eat at the diner. I ordered a pan con bistec con papas fritas. It was so yummy.

Now, I'm gonna try my best to become invisible so that no one else can complain about having me around.

But I tell ya, if ANY man tries to degrade a woman, he gonna get the SAME THING- cursed out, cuz I don't like that at all.



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