Tuesday, June 7, 2011

REBUILD: What Do I Do?

I don't care what anyone says- Maybe I should be more confident and more sure but the reality is, I am not certain this is for me.

I just realize that in order to be a leader you have to have RELATIONSHIPS with people. You have to be able to socialize and I am horrible at that. I was just sitting here trying to figure out how to minimize this project so I won't have to ask for more help. I am feeling so much anxiety as a result of yesterday's job fair.

After it was over, I felt accomplished but then later when I had time to think about it all, I wish I had never had it or even started this project. I am SUCH a weird personality and my HEART is good, but I'm nothing like any other leader I've met. I'm so hood wit' it and I don't want to change.

But not partnering with others means doing everything alone and that is so much more difficult. Partnering with others means allowing people to get to know my personality and that is the cause of my social anxiety.

I haven't stopped having anxiety since I left the job fair. I want to help women but I can't allow anyone to get to know my personality because I am so weird and I hate being misunderstood and talked about in a negative way when that is not my heart. I just want to help but I am so weird and I don't follow the rules of social etiquette and I don't know how and I'm tired of having to meet men who don't do what they say they are going to do.

How can I get through this project without socializing or asking men for help? My chest is burning. This is pulling me WAY out of my comfort zone. I don't think I can do this. My chest is burning. It hurts. My anxiety is way out of control. I'm not like anyone else. I don't know how to make fake conversation and what do I do when people I'm with pull out the Bible and start praying and quoting scriptures and asking me to go to church?

What do I do when I can tell the person I'm talking to doesn't really want to help but is saying they do, because they want to spend more time with me? What do I do when men I need help from want to talk about it over dinner? What do I do when women ask for help then decide they don't want it anymore?

I feel like I'm being squeezed. I'm sorry I don't know what to do in all of this. I wish I could just teach my lessons and let that be the end of it.

I hate this anxiety. It won't go away

My chest hurts.



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