Tuesday, July 26, 2011

REBUILD: He Brings Me Joy

I get this really good feeling when I think of him.

I am grateful for the feeling.

I'm not even upset with myself like I usually am when I find a man attractive. I know that my past attractions to men garnered horrific results yet, I am thoroughly enjoying this feeling. He can try to hurt me. He can rape me. He can sabotage my success. All of that can happen and I don't care. All I know is, right now, the mere thought of him brings my heart complete joy.

This past weekend I spent time with him. He took me to eat seafood which I love and then we went to the accessory store and I cried with happiness as my eyes and fingertips fondled the rows and rows of earrings, belts and necklaces.

Accessories make me happy. So happy.

Then if that wasn't enough- he took me to the book store.

There I was in the middle of the afternoon in the most beautiful place in the world surrounded by books, all shiny and new. I immediately went to the self improvement section to scan the titles and I met a woman there. Then I drifted over to the philosophy section and then the christian inspiration section. I finally made my way over to the eastern philosophy section and sat there shaking my head because I get it.

Hundred of books in that section all trying to say the same thing. The titles were creative but the subject matter is all trying to teach the same topic: enlightenment.

You can't teach that. You reach enlightenment when you can understand that nothing matters. That's a long road to travel.

I'm there already.

So I want to include this man I met in this story because, well, he's made an impact on me even though it doesn't matter if anything ever comes of this.

This man I met. I met him a while ago through my project. He seems to be a fan of my work and I am grateful to have his support. He's older. He's 52.

The first time I met him I didn't think much of him. He invited me to dinner that same weekend and I went, not thinking much of the experience except, when he dropped me off back to the shelter, I felt warm inside.

Each time he crossed my mind I felt warm. I liked that feeling so I would think of him often. I didn't get to see him again for over a month and when I did, the warm good feeling intensified. I had a feeling he had a crush on me. But then again, I'm so vain I think everyone is in love with me. Maybe he's just being nice because he loves my project.

Regardless, when we hung out this weekend something beautiful happened. Sitting next to him in his car and riding from one end of town to the next- something about it felt so beautiful and so right. I needed that.

The only part of our time together that wasn't wonderful was when we had to say goodbye. I was so upset.

But then I went back to the shelter and grabbed my bag and headed to the park to clear my mind, trying to understand the feelings I was experiencing. I am definitely attracted to both men and women yet, I usually regret any exchanges with men. I am not attracted to them physically for the most part and I usually feel that tingly feeling when I am with a woman I like, but, I feel that everytime I think about him.

I like that feeling so I think about him often.

As I sat at the park thinking of him, I called up a friend to chat and told her all about my recent adventures. Then I called up a guyfriend and he invited me to hang out with him and his daughter. I went, taking along a bottle of wine to provoke even more laughter.

We vibed. By the end of the night, or early morning, we were both sitting on the porch outside his condo and laughing when he looked at me and said, "I really like you, Tee."

I smiled.

That was nice to hear except- Why the hell do I keep thinking about the older man?

This man is 52 years old but I feel like I'm my REAL SELF when I'm with him. I feel cared for and although he's not a big talker, I feel precious and special and I want more of that.

After hanging out with both of those men, in the wake of my sexual assault I am thinking that my problem in the past with men has to have something to do with the type of men I chose. I usually chose men who were younger than I am. They come happily into my life, with their hands out needed me to help them or they come with their hands on their penis trying to stick it in as soon as they can.

The older man didn't do that. He didn't touch me at all.

He didn't touch me at all. That has never happened before.

I am so confused. I don't even like men unless I feel like I can help them in some way or unless it's that time of the year when I choose one to get my personal oil change. I'm not sure he can even change my oil, if you know what I mean.

Maybe he's going to be a friend or a teacher or someone important in my life. Maybe he'll disappear like all the rest. All I know is that right now, at this moment, when I think of him it feels like pure bliss.

I like that.

I need that.

There's so much drama and sadness around me and he is a bright point.

I am so grateful.



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