EDITORIAL: Educated Women I Admire- Katie

by Erika Martin

Education Columnist

This week, I'm continuing with another woman that I admire for taking steps to pursue a higher education. Katie Marden is 37 years old and graduated last month from Blue Ridge Community College and I had the opportunity to interview her about her experiences, her motivation and what her future plans are. Her story is inspiring and encourages me to keep pushing onward and upward with my own education.

When I asked Katie what level of schooling she has completed, she shared that her current degree is an Associates in Applied Science for Nursing. Now that she has completed this part of her schooling, she's eligible to take the Virgina state board test to get her RN license. In addition to the credits she needed to achieve for her associates degree, she will also have to complete 500 clinical hours in patient care and/or education during the next 5 years. Previous to receiving her current associates degree, Katie also earned an Associates Degree in Business and Accounting from a correspondence college.

Katie admits that she had several obstacles while achieving her associates degree. She feels that she was one of her own obstacles. This was due to wondering if she was absolutely sure it was something she wanted to do and if it really was something she could do because it was time consuming and it was a rigorous program. She also felt that perhaps she was too old or her brain was too tired to take something like this on. She quickly found help and support from her fellow classmates. They studied together, encouraged each other, and prayed for each other. Having good and bad clinical days during later semesters, while caring for patients that were both amazing and challenging, Katie knew that she was doing what she was called to do and knew she couldn't not finish.

Another obstacle that Katie faced were the needs in her life. When she first started, she was working at 20-hour a week and her marriage was falling apart. A few months later, she found herself as a single mom with two children. Everyone in her life came together and did whatever it took to keep her and her kids together and to help her finish her goal. At a time when Katie felt personally low and like a failure, her support group wouldn't let her believe it and they believed in her dream and in her. She says that she never could have done it alone.

When I asked Katie what her biggest feelings of accomplishment were when it comes to pursuing her education, she said that she truly feels that this has been a faith-building experience for her. She knows that God put this gift in front of her and helped her to be brave enough to take it on. She also knew that she had done the right thing when she saw the looks on her children's faces when she graduated. They wanted her to finish just as much as she did and they are proud that their mom is a nurse. Katie believes that when you have a passion and you find times in life when you feel like something bigger than you is using you, follow that passion and set a good example.

I asked Katie what advice she would give to women and girls when it pertains to their education. I think her own words serve her best. "First, it is never too late and sometimes late timing is better. Most of my fellow classmates, I was very surprised to find, were moms or grandmothers with kids and this was a second career, a dream. Because many of us were passionate, we had maturity, we knew we did not want to get kicked out and because we had to maintain an 80% test average or hit the road, we put our heads down and pulled through.

I have a 12 year old daughter and I am not going to push her to college as soon as she graduates high school. I am going to encourage her passions, let her explore her strengths, serve if she wants (her heart right now is in Africa), and be a good role model on working and serving to the best that I can. I hope to provide that same sort of education-rich percolating environment that got me moving in later life that will fertilize her dreams. When she needs education to be more effective in what she feels called to do, then I plan to help her in that and I have a feeling she will be more passionate and responsible with all that than otherwise."

About the columnist:

Erika Martin was withheld from attaining her high school diploma and a higher education due to living in a spiritually abusive upbringing. She is currently working towards attaining her high school diploma and plans to pursue a degree in Psychology after graduation this June. Erika will highlight relevant news and information that relates to education as well as chronicle her journey toward her diploma.

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My Savvy Sister Of The Week- Elvira Guzman

Elvira Guzman

27, CEO Elvie G PR

Life is a dream for 27-year-old CEO Elvira Guzman. She owns and operates her own public relations firm, having proudly managed the public images of notable celebs Steve Harvey, Musiq Soulchild, Cupid, George Wallace and Troy Byer. But life wasn’t always a dream. At the age of 14 both of Guzman’s parents were incarcerated and she had to grow up fast in the city of Covina, California.

“I went from having my own cleaning lady to being a cleaning lady,” Guzman explained. “I had to get a job and work to take care of what I needed. I was a babysitter too.” While Guzman doesn’t deny that her parent’s absence had a profound impact on her life, she somehow managed to strike gold when she was chosen to be mentored by comedian Steve Harvey who gave her her very first job out of college.

Since then this saucy executive with Mexican & Filipino roots has held hands with one of the funniest comedians in show business and together they have transformed the Steve Harvey brand into a household name. The lessons learned in her 10 year career in the entertainment industry abound and she eagerly shares her wisdom with the readers of My Savvy Sisters.

“Respect yourself,” she said. “Never let anyone know how you’re really feeling inside. A lot of women tend to go off emotions and show their fears. My mentors were 3 strong Black millionaires who taught me to never wear your emotions on your sleeve or people will eat you alive.”

When faced with a tough question on the job Guzman said, “Don’t ever say you don’t know how. Figure it out. Don’t ask why or how just figure it out and do it.”

Guzman has celebrated many triumphs in her career, but none live up to the memory of going to Jamaica with the Steve Harvey Radio Network and adopting 10 schools to donate books and financial assistance. “It was awesome to see what they did with the money. A lot of went to restoring bathrooms an things we take for granted,” Guzman said.

Guzman said she does a happy dance when she books a client a big feature in a magazine or helps a client make a breakthrough in their career. Her love for helping people to see their dreams come true only adds value to her stunning presence.

“Is there anything else you’d like our readers to know?” I asked before we ended the interview.

“Yes,” she said and paused as she collected her thoughts. “Tell them don’t be afraid to fail. If you are afraid to walk forward because you’re afraid to hear the word ‘no’ then you’ll never reach your potential.”

Visit Ms. Guzman’s website at http://elviegpr.com/

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REBUILD: What Do I Do?

I don't care what anyone says- Maybe I should be more confident and more sure but the reality is, I am not certain this is for me.

I just realize that in order to be a leader you have to have RELATIONSHIPS with people. You have to be able to socialize and I am horrible at that. I was just sitting here trying to figure out how to minimize this project so I won't have to ask for more help. I am feeling so much anxiety as a result of yesterday's job fair.



After it was over, I felt accomplished but then later when I had time to think about it all, I wish I had never had it or even started this project. I am SUCH a weird personality and my HEART is good, but I'm nothing like any other leader I've met. I'm so hood wit' it and I don't want to change.

But not partnering with others means doing everything alone and that is so much more difficult. Partnering with others means allowing people to get to know my personality and that is the cause of my social anxiety.

I haven't stopped having anxiety since I left the job fair. I want to help women but I can't allow anyone to get to know my personality because I am so weird and I hate being misunderstood and talked about in a negative way when that is not my heart. I just want to help but I am so weird and I don't follow the rules of social etiquette and I don't know how and I'm tired of having to meet men who don't do what they say they are going to do.

How can I get through this project without socializing or asking men for help? My chest is burning. This is pulling me WAY out of my comfort zone. I don't think I can do this. My chest is burning. It hurts. My anxiety is way out of control. I'm not like anyone else. I don't know how to make fake conversation and what do I do when people I'm with pull out the Bible and start praying and quoting scriptures and asking me to go to church?

What do I do when I can tell the person I'm talking to doesn't really want to help but is saying they do, because they want to spend more time with me? What do I do when men I need help from want to talk about it over dinner? What do I do when women ask for help then decide they don't want it anymore?

I feel like I'm being squeezed. I'm sorry I don't know what to do in all of this. I wish I could just teach my lessons and let that be the end of it.

I hate this anxiety. It won't go away

My chest hurts.

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5 Things To Know Before You Book Your Next Cruise

By Brenda M. Hook

I will always remember my first cruise. It was in 2004 and it left out of Baltimore, MD which is about 15 minutes from where I live. The cruise destination was Bermuda. My travel companion was my then 8 year old son. I made a promise to him, on that trip that every year we would cruise to somewhere fabulous. Over the last 7 years, I have kept that promise and although I wouldn’t consider each destination “fabulous” we have seen the likes of Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Panama, and over 20 other ports outside of the United States.

My son is now 15, and I am starting my search to book our next cruise. I am not rich, and I do not have a lot of extra money after my bills are paid. We cruise on a budget, and it is easy for anyone to do the same. In some cases, I paid less than $600.00 total for both of us to cruise for 9 days. A deposit is required but final payment usually isn’t due until 3 months before your cruise departs. There are a few crucial things that you must keep in mind that can allow you to take a nice, but inexpensive family vacation.

Be flexible.

When the dates you want to travel are specific, you are less likely to get a good deal.

If you must fly, keep airfare in mind.

Several times, we have had to hop a plane to our cruise departure port, it is important to check airfare rates often and try to book your cruise and flight the same day. This will ensure that you do not have a cruise with no air arrangements or vice versa.

Keep an open mind about your destination.

It is also good to not be destination specific. When searching for cruise options, the less specific you are, the more options you will have, and the better chance you have of finding a good deal.

Stay away from holidays.

Cruising on holidays cost almost double the normal rate. Additionally, these cruises are always packed with kids. If being on a boat for 9 days with 600 kids is not your idea of a vacation, then be mindful of the time of year. Spring Break, Thanksgiving and Christmas time are the biggest attractions for families with school aged children.

Book off-season.

We usually cruise in the month of November. The rates are much cheaper in the winter months, and can be three times that much during the summer time.

Book really early, or really late.

Most cruise lines have an early bird booking, where you get a sizeable discount for booking at least 9 months in advance as opposed to booking closer to the cruising date. Likewise, you can also find great deals on last minute cruises as well.

Get a travel agent.

Although I always book direct from the cruise line, you may find a cheaper rate with a travel agent. They usually book out several rooms at a group rate and that rate is passed on to you. Always double check your quote with the cruise line. I was once quoted a price by a travel agent that was more than booking direct.

With these simple tips, you will soon find yourself on a fabulous and inexpensive vacation. Make sure you check the travel and passport guidelines with your cruise line in advance. Not all trips require a passport but it’s always wise to have a valid passport in case of emergencies.

For My Savvy Sisters: How often do you cruise? Do you have any tips to share about getting the best deals?

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EDITORIAL: Accepting Our Differences

By Christina Fermin

Politics & Society Columnist

We all have our idiosyncratic differences and each one of us wants to be accepted for our traditional or non traditional ways. Growing up in a Catholic household there are things you do and things that you are expected not to do. I find this to be the same with other religions, beliefs, cultures and backgrounds. The generations that have come since the civil rights and hippie movements have really pushed the limits and made some great breakthroughs. Conservatives and traditionalist may think not so great about the cultural change among the last few decades, but there is always that tug-a-war that goes on between shifts that occur among the masses and the ruling beliefs.

This young generation is already showing to push limits beyond what baby boomers ever thought would happen, but the bottom line is they want to be accepted. We all want to be accepted and some of us are able to cope better than others, but in the spirit of trying to be “normal” we not only feel rejected but its very damaging spiritually and mentally. If we are not physically harming ourselves or others, then what is the problem?

Body art and being out about sexuality were virtually unacceptable 30 years ago, my generation is not only sporting tattoos but more open about their sexuality and women have infiltrated institutions traditionally dominated by men. In demand of wanting to be accepted rather than marginalized, ignored or looked down upon, the generations have lashed in different ways. Body art and music has been key in going against the norm and generally not accepting what traditional society would like.

Has society really gone crazy? Crime is at an all time low and my generation no matter how peculiar they look or act, are mostly peaceful people who sometimes make bad decisions. Most of our prisoners today are in prison for non violent crimes, such as drugs. Perceptions always deceive and people are never what their first impression gives, you cannot judge a book by its cover, there are always layers and it’s understanding those layers to the complexities and idiosyncrasies of people that make them who they are.

If you want to do something and start making a difference in this life, then I suggest you put aside all judgements and beliefs about people and groups of people and just accept who they are. A bit of compassion and acceptance goes a long way, Jesus and Buddha both spoke on the importance of love, compassion and acceptance, if we just stick to those 3 core teachings we can dramatically change the world inside and out. I, like others have gone through my own journey and crossed boundary lines finding that it was not the end of the world as I originally thought, it is actually really nice once the storm passes. Letting go of beliefs can be very difficult at first, but once it is done, there comes a freedom unlike anything ever experienced.

Live and let live, life has its own ways of teaching us the important things. Fighting against that which does not harm is pointless, accept the fact that everyone who has a tattoo is not a bad person and homosexuality is not the evilest thing on the planet. Why be concerned with that which doesn’t harm or concern you. We have made some pretty big leaps in the last decade and we still have work to do, but in the meantime, put aside those beliefs and just accept. Once you begin accepting people for their idiosyncrasies, you can accept you for yours, making not only your world a better place but the world at large.

Peace & Love,

Christina

About the Columnist

With a bachelors degree in political science from Florida Atlantic University, Christina Fermin has always cultivated her love for history, politics, sociology, ancient knowledge and teachings, the outdoors, the ocean and the environment. Christina strives to make our world better by helping us all create a new reality and understanding of all taking place here and now.

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Everything Is A Good Thing

One day a King was out with his manservant preparing to hunt wild animals. The manservant was very close friends with the King and was always by his side. The manservant had a habit of saying that everything "was a good thing." The King would often laugh and shake his head at this odd way of thinking.

The manservant was diligent in cleaning the King's gun and when he was done, he smiled at him.
The King took the gun and aimed for his first shot of the evening. To his surprise the gun misfired, blowing his thumb off.

"Oh no!" the manservant screamed as he reached over to help bandage the wound. The King screamed and cursed the manservant but the manservant only shook his head and said, "It's a good thing."

The King was infuriated by his lack of empathy and banished him to jail.

A year went by and the King never replaced his manservant. One day he was out in the woods preparing to hunt alone. He took out his gun and peered into the area for his game when all of a sudden he heard a rustling noise.

Before he knew it he was being tied up and carried to a nearby clearing. A group of cannabilists had captured him and were preparing to burn him and eat him. He screamed out for help but no one could hear him.

They lit the fire and stood around to watch after tieing him to a tree. Then, in a flurry of confusion, they all spoke rapidly to each other in a foreign tongue and quickly released him, pointing to his missing thumb and shaking their heads.

It turns out that they had a superstition that prohibited them from eating anything that was not completely whole.

The King ran back to his camp and straight to the jailhouse where his manservant had been imprisoned. He opened the jail cell and kneeled before his manservant, apologizing profusely.

"You were right," he admitted. "Losing my thumb was a good thing. You were right. I'm sorry. It was very bad of me to send you to prison."

The manservant took both of the King's hands in his and said, "No. It was a good thing."

"How could that have been a good thing? I had you locked up here when you were my most trusted friend."

"It was a good thing," the manservant insisted.

"No! It wasn't. How can I repay you?"

"Sir, it was a good thing."

"Why are you saying that?" the King asked.

The manservant lowered his gaze and spoke softly, "Sir, if you hadn't had me locked up in prison, I would have been with you."

For My Savvy Sisters: Have you ever been in a situation that you thought was a bad thing but ended up being a benefit to you?

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Free (and LOW COST) Dental Care

Compiled By B.J. Schmidt

Assistance programs vary from state to state. Call your state Dental Society for programs in your area.

Alabama Dental Association; Phone-1-334-265-1684

Alaska Dental Society; 1-907-563-3003;1-800-478-4675

Arizona State Dental Association; 1-602-957-4777

Arkansas State Dental Association; 1-501-771-7650

California Dental Association; 1-916-443-0505; 1-800-736-8702

*California Society of Pediatric Dentist; 1-310-548-0134

*Fresno Madera Dental Association; 1-209-438-7284

*Humbolt-Del Norte Dental Society; 1-707-443-7476

*Orange County Dental Society; 1-714-634-8944

*Tri-County Dental Society; 1-909-370-2112 (serving Riverside,San Bernardino and the Eastern Portion of Los Angeles counties)

Colorado Dental Association; 1-3033-740-6900

Conneecticut Dental Association; 1-203-278-5550

Delaware State Dental Society; 1-302-654-4335

District of Columbia Dental Society; 1-202-547-7613

Florida Dental Association; 1-904-681-3629 ;1-800- 877-9922

Georgia Denatal Association; 1-404-636-7553

Hawaii Dental Association; 1-808-536-2135 ; 1-800-359-6725

Idaho State Dental Association; 1-208-343-7543

Illinois State Denatl Society; 1-217-525-1406; 1800-475-4737

Indiana Dental Association; 1-317-634-2610; 1-800-562-5646

Iowa Dental Association; 1-515-282-7250; 1-800-828-2181

Kansas Dental Association; 1-913-272-7360

Kentucky Dental Association; 1-502-459-5373; 1-800-292-1855

Louisiana Dental Association; 1-504-926-1986; 1-800-388-6642

Maine Dental Association; 1-207-622-7900;1-800-369-8217

Maryland State Dental Association; 1-410-964-2880;1-800-766-2880

Massachusetts Dental Society; 1-508-651-7511; 1-800-342-8747

*Southeastern District of the Massachusetts Dental Society; 1-508674-8818

Michigan Dental Association; 1-517-372-9070; 1-800-589-2632

Minnesota Dental Association; 1-612-646-7454; 1-800-950-3368

Mississippi Dental Association; 1-601-982-0442

Missouri Dental Association; 1-314-634-3436; 1-800-688-1907

Montana Dental Association; 1-406-443-2061

Nebraska Dental Association; 1-402-476-1704

Nevada Dental Association; 1-702-255-4211; 1-800-962-6710

New Hampshire Dental Society; 1-603-255-4211; 1-800-244-5961

New Jersey Dental Association; 1-908-821-9400

New Mexico Dental Association; 1-505-294-1368

New York State Academy of General Dentistry; 1-518-465-0044; 1-800-255-2100

* Suffolk county Dental Society; 1-631-232-1400

North Carolina Dental Society; 1-919-832-1222

North Dakota Dental Association; 1-701-223-8870

Ohio Dental Association; 1-614-486-2700

Oklahoma Dental Association; 1-405-848-8873; 1-800-876-8890

Oregon Dental Association; 1-503-620-3230

Pennsylvania Dental Association; You'll have to look up the number because the book has (7-234-5941 and I really don't think you'll reach anybody.

I was thinking about abbreviating Association, because who would believe that there were that many Assos in the states, or what's worse is Ass's , so I decided to tough it out, knowing that they wouldn't like either. So, back to typing I go.

Pennsylvania Academy of General Dentistry; 1-215443-0667

* Dental Society of Western Pennsylvania;1-412-321-5810 (serving Allegheny,Armstrong,Beaver,Butler,Fayette,Greene, Indiana, Washington, and Westmoreland counties)

Rhode Island Dental Association;1-401-732-6833

South Carolina Dental Association; 1-803750-2277; 1-800-327-2598

South Dakota Dental Association; 1-605-224-9133

Tennessee Dental Association; 1-615-383-8962

Texas Dental Association; 1-512-443-3675; 1-800-460-8700

*The Greater Houston Dental Society; 1-713-961-4337

Utah Dental Association; 1-801-261-5315; 1-800-662-6500

Vermont State Dental Society; 1-802-864-0115

Virginia Dental Association; 1-804-358-4927

Washington State dental Association; 1-206-448-1914; 1-800-448-3368

West Virginia Dental Association; 1-304-344-5246

Wisconsin Dental Association; 1-414-276-4520; 1-800-364-7646

Wyoming Dental Association; 1-307-634-5878; 1-800-244-0779

These are the State Dental Societies

Next

Donated Dental Services

If your state isn't listed call 1-800-365-7229 and see if it's availble in your state.

Alabama-1-334-834-1114

Alaska-1-907-561-6028 Arkansas-1-501-221-0280

Arkansas-1-501-221-0280

California-Orange and Los Angeles counties-1-888-471-6334;

Northern California-Same as above

Colorado-Denver area-1-303-534-5297;

Outside denver-1-303-534-3863

Florida- Greater Miami-1-305-598-7080

Hawaii-1-888-471-6334

Illinois-Chicago area-1-800-893-1685; reat of the state 1-309-689-6785

Indiana-1-317-631-6022

Kansas-1-785-273 1900

Louisiana- 1-504-948-6141

Maine-1-207-620-8276

Maryland-1-410-964-1944

Michigan-Metro Detriot-1-248-489-2204;

Outside Metro Detriot- 1-248-489-2206

Mississippi-1-601-368-9823

Nevada-1-702-651-5744

Montana- 1-406-449-9670

New Hampshire- 1-603-223-1531

New Jersey-Essex,Union,Hudson,bergen, Passaic,and Sussex counties-1-732-940-0055 ;

for the rest of the state 1-732-821-2977

New Mexico- 1-505-298-7206

North Dakota- 1-888-471-6334

Ohio-1-513-621-2517

Oregon 1-503-774-3898

Pennsylvania, Western Penn-1-412-243-4866;

Eastern Penn 1-1-717-238-8721

Rode Island - 1401-728-9448

South Dakota 1-605-357-8660

Texas 1-512-912-1358

Virginia 1-804-264-9010

Washington-Greater Seattle 1-206 441-8777

West Virginia 1-304-296-9005

Wisconsin-Milwaukee area- 1414-276-0370;

the rest of the state 1-262-670-0837

WYoming 1-307-766-2829

Other Denistry Resources

Inner City Health Center

3405 Downing St.

Denver, CO 80205 Phone: 1-303-296-1767

AIDS Resourses Center of Wisconsin

820 N. Plankinton Ave.

Milwaukee, WI 53203

Phone:1-800-359-9272 ext.1548

Kids in Need of Doctors- 1-909-686-3342 Riverside, CA

Northwest Regional Primary care Association

6512 23rd Ave., NW Suite 305

Seattle, WA 98117

Phone: 1-206-783-3004

Community Dental Center

406 N. Ashley St.

Ann Asbor, Mi 48103

Phone: 1-734-998-9640

I'll add more later

I found one more: worldental.org/dental-news/free-dental-​care-offered-for

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REBUILD: Things Are Brighter Now

Well, the job fair is tomorrow and so far I have ONE woman registered to attend. I'm half way in a state of self doubt and half way proud of my efforts thus far.

I didn't meet my goal of 30 businesses, but I got more than half. I didn't know most homeless women wouldn't have the mental capacity to work and I didn't know that organizing all of this all by myself would be so overwhelming.

I'm moving forward everyday, but my spirit is weakening. I need a moment to replenish myself through this project and I prayed for that opportunity. I spent every dime I had on this job fair to buy supplies and create the presentation and marketing materials. I am not going to lie- doing the marketing materials was SO MUCH FUN!

Now all I have to do is find a ride to the event and somehow be able to host it, film it and manage it all by myself.

I don't want to be a disappointment. God knows I tried my best. One of my weaknesses is the fact that I am not social so I don't have a set support system in place to help me. It would have helped if I had more friends and belonged to organizations but I don't have any of that.

It's beyond my hands at this point. I truly did my best and I am truly satisfied with my own efforts. That is what's important.

And you know what? I am so glad that I have the kids that I have. They support my efforts and my project and without their permission, I would not have been able to do any of this.

I spent the last few days in a funk, feeling defeated and unsuccessful. Today I'm feeling better. Tomorrow I will put on my little black dress, the only outfit let over from my old life, and I'll head to my job fair to see what happens.

All my love and blessings to you and your life!

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REBUILD: Awake From The Fairy Tale

I wanted to paint a picture for my job fair, which is now less than 48 hours away. The universe had something else in mind though and I was directed to meet a man in the shelter who is an artist and he painted this picture for me.

These past few days have been filled with lots of angst and happiness. If you're following me on facebook you can tell my moods have been flip flopping. I'm having a tough time organizing the next part of this project in my mind and I'm still hurting over the death of South Florida's leading man of poetry, Will Da Real One.

It hurts. I can't stop my chest from hurting. He was such a constant presence here on the poetry scene and no matter how much I floated in and out of it doing whatever interested me at the time, he was always there. He was dedicated. The last time I saw him he said that he was beginning to get burnt out from poetry. I sent him a text that said that he could transform his skills into something else and that I believed in him.

I'm always trying to encourage someone to believe in themselves and when I do, it encourages me. I needed it this week. When I originally crafted this fairytale of a project, I saw myself become homeless and sleep in the park, covering myself with newspapers and fighting off attackers in the night while eating leftover food from strangers. I figured that it would take about 2 weeks to get the 30 businesses and about a month to be able to find a job and then another 2 weeks to get an apartment and be done with this project.

Nothing turned out like I expected, nothing at all. I chose the number '30' arbitrarily because it sounded like a nice round number yet I had no idea that it would take this much money and effort to get the participants. I had no idea that there would be a shelter right down the street from my house that took care of homeless people.

I had no idea that the men would be so nice. I had no idea that some of them would be cute. I had no idea that I would laugh so much and learn so much about business and the nature of people.

But I'm stuck. I'm stuck because of that NUMBER that I chose. I accomplished the essence of my mission. I worked HARD to get the 17 businesses that I now have and these businesses have agreed to give interviews to the women I refer. Most businesses are corporate though. They have to go through so many hoops to get approval. The smaller businesses don't have openings. The media coverage is sparse. No one seems interested in this project here in South Florida. I blame myself. It's hard not to.

And then, another problem is, I have not met ONE woman yet, who is willing to let me help her. They come to me asking for help and I tell them that I will help. I give them information about an interview and I call ahead to tell the manager that I am sending a young lady over and the woman doesn't show up. At this point I have ONE woman registered for my job fair yet I have 17 businesses who want to help.

I have a plan to help women get out of abusive situations and move into their own homes but the woman that I met that fit the criteria refused to go to the interview I told her about. I told her that I would be there being interviewed for a job myself and that I would introduce her personally to the manager and speak well of her, if she showed up.

She didn't. She didn't even call me back. I went. I was offered the job.

Who am I helping? No one.

No one really wants the help.

What am I doing this for?

My main focus of this project was to show women what their biggest fear of losing everything looked like and teach them how to jump out of it with specific strategies but this job fair has me stuck on so many levels. Trying to organize a project of this magnitude BY MYSELF, which includes all of the administrative tasks that cost money plus trying to maintain a healthy attitude in the midst of so much despair at the shelter is overwhelming. I'm beginning to lose my own faith in me. I'm beginning to feel stuck just like everyone else.

I find that my anxiety is increasing again. All day long I'm apologizing to myself saying, "I'm sorry," over and over again to myself for not meeting my potential and not meeting my goals. I apologize to the God within for not making better decisions and not being the woman I envision myself to be.

I keep thinking about Will's death and how he lived a grand life. He accomplished so many goals and was so honored in everything he did. What if I died tomorrow? I haven't accomplished much. I haven't been honored for my gifts.

If I die, I want to leave something behind that will help others to be better than I am. I don't want any woman to feel unloveable like I feel. I don't want any woman to wish for direction or instruction. I don't want any woman to feel like she's alone in this world. I don't want any woman to go years without hearing positive words like, "You are valuable. You are a gift to this earth. You are a queen. I appreciate you. I love you."

I want women to have a better life experience than I have had and to feel cherished and powerful and fearless.

If I die, that's what I want to leave behind.

But I'm stuck behind the NUMBER 30. If I let this job fair go on and move to rebuild my life then I haven't accomplished my goal yet this project isn't about being homeless, it's about moving up out of a bad situation. How can I show that if I'm stuck chasing a NUMBER when there's really no one who even wants the help?

That doesn't make sense.

I just don't want to be a liar. I don't want this to seem like a stunt. I know at first to people who are critical, this seemed like a ploy to get readers to my site and get donations but if they would just take a look at my videos they would see that I am teaching very real survival skills and mental strategies. But if I don't meet my NUMBER 30, does that mean that I lied and manipulated the public?

I am very critical of myself and I check my own motives quite often because of the extreme guilt I feel about not meeting my full potential. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to keep my word and be proud of myself. I want to help women to understand their value so they won't end up like me, all bitter and defensive and feeling like they aren't worth much.

~sigh~

I'm sorry. I just had to let all of that out. Writing helps me sort through things and I'm glad I had the chance. Even if I failed at my goal, I can still teach how to move up out of homelessness. Even if this project is a partial success, someone can still gain from it.

Even if I am never the success I envision myself to be, someone, somewhere learned something that will help them to rise. I am deciding to focus on that instead of my shortcomings and I'm trying to forgive myself in the process.

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