Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 4: A Little Bit Of Magic & Sorrow

I was sick all night.

My tooth, which I learned is my #17 molar, is infected and impacted. Again, I had to learn that this means it is pushed up against my bone or something. I need it removed but it will take an oral surgeon. I have no insurance and no other options so I have been swallowing advil and aspiring like they are M&M's. I don't know if I can OD but the relief I now feel for the full 20-30 minutes seems worth the risk.

I didn't sleep at all last night. The entire left side of my face was so tight yet throbbing and I just cried and cried and cried. There's nothing else you can do when you have a toothache like this. You get to the point where you wish someone would just put you out of your misery.

Early this morning, they woke everyone up at 5am as usual and I was so annoyed because I knew that there would be no chance for me to get any rest until after midnight the next nite.

I finagled my beach towel from the front desk attendant and I made my way down to the park that I originally planned to live in for this project- the one that told me I couldn't sleep there.

It was so quiet and so beautiful in the early morning. If it weren't for my face being on FIRE with pain I would have felt like I was in wonderland. I spread my towel and lay on my back looking across the park at the lights.

I fell asleep and just like clockwork, my throbbing tooth woke me up a little less than 30 minutes later. I took more aspirin and fell asleep feeling relieved within minutes. Less than 30 minutes later, the same thing, I am throbbing and sobbing and I begin to feel overwhelmed by life in general.

Then a police officer came by and told me I had to leave. I found another spot to try to nap in front of a store and when the stores opened at 9 a lady woke me up and told me I had to leave AGAIN. I hobbled to the grocery store and sat down on the ground just outside the entrance holding my face and crying.

This is not something I can control. I can't make the pain go away. It made me think of my job fair and how the woman promised me a donation but somehow it never got here and how everytime I call the venue to talk to the coordinator, he never returns my calls or emails and how I only have ONE business so far and I need 30 and then I feel sad. Maybe I can't make a difference.

Who am I to think that my little action could cause a wave?

But it did last night.

Last night was crazy!

I was feeling all annoyed and about to have an anxiety attack as I approached the poetry spot because I do not feel like I belong around people in general I feel like every man hates me and is out to get me. I feel like their main objective is to try to make sure I never realize my true potential. I've had this issue since I met my children's father.

I tried going to counseling about this but that didn't work. Turned out my own counselor felt this same way about me and would write criticisms about me on his facebook page.

But I went to poetry anyway and I felt so out of place there. I don't think I'm ever going back. I hate that feeling of anxiety that I get whenever I'm in a place that I do not belong in. I never fit in anywhere for long to be honest. This isn't new. I introduce myself into a social circle and then quickly disappear after a little while. I never feel welcomed or comfortable. I always feel like an outsider. On this night I am disappointed that I am experiencing anxiety because I hadn't experienced anxiety at ALL since I began organizing the Rebuild Your Life Project. But I remember ALWAYS feeling anxiety when I would go to perform spoken word and here it is again- the same thing.

This challenges me quite a bit as I try to move forward with this project. Although I'd rather hide in the closet all night, I have to go out and speak about what I'm doing. So I was scheduled to speak about my project during poetry night and I did - for about 5 minutes. I honestly don't remember exactly what I said but, all I know is when I finished speaking one woman came up to me waving a $10 bill.

Then another.

Then another.

Then a crowd of people were surrounding me pushing money into my hand.

Then the crowd swelled some more.

People were crying and waving and telling me that I made a great impact on their lives.

I was in a daze. "What exactly did I say?" I couldn't really remember. I was just being myself.

It scared me. It felt like magic. I know what it's like to be rejected, to be ignored, to be told I'm never going to amount to anything. I know what it's like to fail. I have no clue how to handle all of this though.

People CRYING telling me they feel me.

People offering me FREE help and support.

Even Mayoral Candidate Luther Campbell showed up to speak on my behalf.

Maybe it was just a dream.

That's it.

It was a dream.

Just a dream. But the pain in my jaw is all too real.



Twitter Delicious Facebook Digg Stumbleupon Favorites More

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...