Monday, June 20, 2011

REBUILD: Old & New Fantasies

I finally finished training at work which means I get to keep my tips from now on instead of having to hand them over to my trainer; ah, the joys of hazing. She's a nice young lady who has the vibe that she will become a manager one day. It's the way she works and teaches. She seems like a leader to me.

This morning I went in and stood near the kitchen window waiting for customers to come in. I listened as all of the other female servers chatted and I felt kind of sad. They talked about their boyfriends and their drama and their kids and their friends and hanging out and other co workers and if at any point I could have chimed in, I would have but I have nothing to add about those topics.

I have not told anyone about my project because I don't want people to judge me by my lifestyle or be rude to me because I have to audacity to try something like this.

My friends? Well, I speak to them sparingly. They all know what I am doing and this is not something that is so outrageous to them because they know my capabilities. I haven't hung out with anyone besides my little sister since the project began and I have only seen her when she came to visit me while I was collecting donations on the street corners.

My kids? Well, It's been a month since I've seen them. A donation made our last visit possible and now I'm saving every penny to be able to move into my own place so spending money on a hotel room for us again is out of the question. They want to see me and I want to see them but as far as I can tell, they are okay. Their dad is taking excellent care of them and they are in summer camp and enjoying themselves.

Hanging out? Um. I went to karaoke for 20 minutes last week only to find that they changed everything and I don't want to go there anymore.

Boyfriends? Well, you know the deal. I've been single for 9 1/2 years and that makes me feel proud and safe, yet I long to make a heart connection with someone but I believe this environment won't allow it. I wonder if there's anyone out there who thinks like me and would understand me. So far, I haven't found it in anyone.

Believe it or not, today my thoughts lingered over my last crush. He was a nerdy man and he wasn't that cute and there was no way we could have EVER been together but I still liked him, in my mind. During that time I was in love with him in my mind, I was so happy. Everyday I would wake up thinking about him and when I got to see him I would walk away floating. I remember being so happy for all of those months and then, it ended, because it had to and then I enjoyed the pain of lost love for a while and then I began this project.

But today I allowed myself the time to remember back when I was in love with him in my head. It was so much fun to imagine all the ways I would seduce him and force him to do sexual acts and how he would be eager to please me in every way. I swear, being a dominatrix seems to be right up my alley as the days go by.

I miss that feeling. I miss the way he smiled at me. I miss the energy that flowed between us. I miss imagining him wanting me and smiling myself to sleep at night. Even though I knew it was all a fantasy, It still felt good.

What's my next fantasy? Well, my birthday is 2 weeks away. I know it's asking for a lot but somehow, someway, I'd like to get the rest of my 30 businesses to get on board to support women in distress and raise enough money to offer one month's rent as a grant to a woman in distress AND be able to move into my own place before my birthday.

I mean, anything could happen. Right?



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