Tuesday, June 21, 2011

REBUILD: Thinking About Energy

I feel so much better. No, nothing has changed, just my perspective.

The truth is, this man I'm sleeping in the same area with depresses me to no end. I literally FIGHT with him about our differing perspectives and I become so exasperated because he always chooses to see the dark side of life. He also makes me laugh. I tell him he's the worst (counseling) client I ever had.

I had to take a walk to get away from him for a little bit so I found a back alley and sat down on the ground. I called my sons and they made me laugh. They talked about summer camp and dinner and other stuff kids talk about. I relaxed after hearing their voices, knowing that they are doing very well.

There's a twinge of dissatisfaction in my heart over the fact that I am not a regular Mom who sits in the house making pies and planning up ice breakers for the neighborhood Moms meeting. Yuck. I hated doing all that socializing with Moms stuff. I don't know what kind of Mama I am.

I do know, I try to give what I always wanted to give to my sons, encouragement. My Mama didn't give that, she left me to my own and I'm glad she did that because I wouldn't have to UNLEARN her perspective of the world to create my own.

When I got back from my walk, I logged in to facebook and saw the face of another chick I know who has been on the same artistic journey that I've been on for years. She's out in LA trying to make it as an actress and comedian. She's been there for about 7 years. I think she's making progress. She's frustrated sometimes and whenever I can, I encourage her to keep going.

"Don't Stop." I posted on her facebook wall.

An hour later she wrote back, "I needed that!"

I needed that too.

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

I know in my situation I CAN'T stop, but the big dream is becoming hazy. At this point, all I dream about is having what I had before: my own place, a stable internet connection, privacy. Those are luxury items now.

Actually for the past 3 nights, I've been reading reader submitted stories from the book- THE SECRET. Remember when that came out?

I missed that boat intentionally because I don't like to follow the crowd, but then I was introduced to the same concepts through Florence Scovel Shinn's book- The Game Of Life and it literally changed my life. I became less depressed and blossomed through some unknown power and the feeling that I have some sort of control over my experience.

I have tested this philosophy out and it has worked for me. Whenever I "wish without worrying" I get what I want. When I pressure myself to get something, it doesn't happen. After studying many other philosophies like metaphysics and trying to understand the way energy flows and connects with other energies, I now understand that when I am perfectly willing to be WITHOUT the thing I want, I get it.

I'm going overboard though with my extreme non desire to be with a man. I'm so backwards that I have become disgusted by the thought of a man touching me. In fact, when a man smiles at me I want to roll my eyes.

If I use "The Secret" or energy work to change this belief that all men are out to hurt me I should start imagining that there is a man who will embrace me fully and appreciate me and protect me and blah blah.

Sorry, can't do it. If I could get through in this ONE AREA, I would be almost perfect. That's the only area I feel like I'm struggling in, my extreme disdain for men. The energy I send out when I'm with them is - Bitch get back! And they do.

Ah. When you're homeless, you have a lot of time to think about everything.

Let me go.



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