Friday, May 13, 2011

REBUILD: I Can't Be A Leader

Leaders are ruthless.

I can't be like them. The leaders I've seen are manipulative and always pushing for the top spot so they can remain on top. They are excellent at getting what they want with subtle tactics. I'm kind of like that as far as subtly making what I want to happen, happen yet I don't want to have to be mean to people and take advantage of people.

I don't care if my company makes millions as long as I can eat everyday and my kids are okay. I don't understand what's wrong with me and how I came to exist in this world. There's nothing in me that wants to hurt people. I only want to help. It's so sincere that it sounds corny and I don't know anybody like me. Everyone else puts themselves FIRST.

What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm the only one like this. I feel like I'm silly for being like this. I'm not even religious and I'm like this. Why can't I be like all the others who plot and scheme and maneuver at the expense of other people's well being?

I can't do that.

So I'll never be a leader.

But what else can I be? I don't fit in anywhere else. I'm not an employee type chick. I'm not a scholar type of chick. I am definitely not a physical labor type of chick. I don't know what kind of chick I am but it's so hard because in order to be a leader, from what I've seen, you have to make sure your own best interests are FIRST.

I'm not like that. I don't know how to change that about myself.

I don't know how to change.

I feel like I'm going to get eaten alive in the business world because I don't mind watching other people prosper, in fact I want them to even if it means that I don't win.

I don't believe in competition and I won't hurt someone else to get ahead.

I don't care about winning. I just want to take care of my sons and be myself and be appreciated for that. I don't understand how to make that happen.



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