Thursday, July 7, 2011

REBUILD: Conflicting Desires

I went to South Beach today. It was good to get away from the shelter for a bit. I strolled down Lincoln Road and reminisced about all the times I spent there in my past.

Dinner at Pasha's with Nicole. Filming my talk show on the top of the Sony building. My first spoken word performance in Miami was all down there.

I don't know. I ran into the old crew from the magazine I used to work for. I was so delighted to see all of them, sincerely. It was a good feeling. I had lunch with Terry and we went to a seminar the magazine hosted during the American Black Film Festival.

I'm a bundle of nerves and emotions lately. I'm at the point in this project when it's really all about ME and I'm nervous for some reason. I have to save enough money to find my own place to live and then move in and furnish it.

I'm so used to going and starting over that putting down roots seems so foreign to me. But I have to get out of the shelter because I'm starting to get anxiety from being in one place for so long.

Although I have noticed the darkness in character of some of the people here, I think I'm falling in love with most of them. Even when I think about leaving I get kind of sad because, for the most part, everyone has treated me well. I see their mental illnesses and their addictions and I see through all that.

I meet the people who only stay for a night and then move on. I've said goodbye so many times. I'm in conflict inside because I'm rebuilding my life and I've accepted that maybe for me, there's nothing more than being a waitress and being happy with that. I can be happy with that but there's something missing.

Maybe I'll find peace when I have my own place again and I can focus more on my sons and get back to really pouring my heart out into this website like I used to. I'm trying to keep up with the editorial but it's hard to do that with so much going on. I hope my videos are enough.

I'm still wishing to find a place where I am valued and appreciated. A social group would be nice. Stable income. All the regular stuff people have.

I miss my friends too.

I don't know. I'm a little under the weather right now, my stomache hurts and I've been having those pains in my back again.

I'm okay. Just, wishing I can keep my smile though it seems that being ME is not the best thing to be because I can not find my own place in this world.

I think I am getting a bit depressed. I know depression is a choice but it seems that I am falling into the habit of being frustrated by my environment. I look around me and I see such nice people but I want to share my successes with them and to celebrate theirs but most people here have no goals to share with me.

I want to celebrate success dammit!

I want to hear stories of progress and blessings instead of misery and complaints and desperation.

I love them, all of them. I feel connected with them in a way. All the people here are people I want to help, to love, to share with yet, I'm in conflict because I want them to want more and to go for it. But I can't make them want more and I can't take away the obstacles that stand in their way either.

This place is getting me down. I'm so lonely here and I feel guilty for looking at the people around me and wanting more.



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