Thursday, August 4, 2011

REBUILD: Just Thinking

I just got back from working the swing shift at Denny's. The swing shift sucks because there are no customers until around 9pm so the rest of the time you're just doing sidework, hoping someone will come in.

I generally make around $45 during the swing shift which sucks because I take the cab there and back and that's $20 right there. Thank goodness I like the people I work with or I'd be so upset. I wish they'd put me back on the overnight shift but when you're in the restaurant business, you work whenever they need you. I really like my managers too. Especially my GM. He really cares about the people there. He's respectful.

I got a text message from one of the guys at the shelter. He left for about a month, trying to make it on his own in an apartment but he ended up right back here. This is a cycle for most of the people here. For some reason they can't seem to be consistent with taking care of themselves. I would argue that its their drug habits or mental capacities but sometimes I think it's just, if you know there is something to fall back on- the shelter- you tend not to grind as hard as you can.

Anyway, he sent me a text message saying he's setting up my bed for me. I smiled. He means that he is laying out my mat on the floor and making sure I have blankets. That's sweet. He knows I like to sleep on the patio near the outlet so that I can be on my laptop until I fall asleep. Most of the men here are like that. They make corny jokes and tell me I'm pretty. They share whatever they have with me and I have met some good people here.

I've also met some assholes but hey, those are the ones I chose to be around so I blame myself.

Today was cool. I woke up at 5am like we always have to and sometimes I go to the beach until I get sleepy again but today I just sat here like everyone else who isn't physically capable of going out to vend the newspaper. I hate sitting still. I have to do something with myself in every minute or I feel like I'm wasting my life. I really don't understand how for some people, just hanging around is cool. I don't watch TV so I can't waste time doing that. I study a LOT. I used to study more. Any chance I get to learn something new about philosophy I do.

I really enjoy reading channeled material from Abraham and other people who claim to hear messages from more highly evolved beings. I think it's interesting and very helpful and yes, I do believe these messages to be beneficial. I don't question them or think they're of the DEVIL. I don't believe in the devil. The devil is the negative mind state that holds you back from believing in your own power to shape your life.

Today at work a girl told me about her new apartment. To move in all she needed was $555. No deposit, just the first month's rent and she says she likes it a lot. I think I'm going to go for it- that is- after I finish saving that amount. I have almost $300 to my name after I had to pay the shelter back for bonding me out of jail so everyday I'm hustling. I'd hope to have 2 months of rent before I move in so that I won't be pressed but we'll see what happens.

Today I was studying imperialism. The opposite of imperialism is nationalism although I don't see that as the true opposite. To me, the opposite of imperialism is a system set up where the PEOPLE govern themselves in small mini societies. I'm not sure that will work though. At least the people I'm surrounded by now, all have trouble governing themselves.

I don't have any answers, all I know is I want to help people to love themselves more and reach enlightenment so that they won't feel bad about who they are. I used to hate myself so much but it's really because I had all of these expectations from life and they weren't happening as fast as I wanted them to so I chalked it up to me not being deserving or capable and that lessened by sense of self worth.

I'm working on that. AND I'm working on being more compassionate. I love to help people but I draw a line at people who hurt me. If you hurt me on purpose then I say, "F&&& YOU!" and I never speak to you again. That's not right. Well, according to the Dala Lama. We should be compassionate towards ALL people, regardless of how they treat us.

Anyone's interactions with you is really a reflection of how they feel about themselves anyway. We take shit so personally when really nothing anyone OUTSIDE of you does, has anything to do with you. They are just releasing the energy they have stored inside and it comes out in word or deeds. If they hate themselves, they will spew hate at you. If they feel less than you, they will criticize you. If they feel like they are losing in life, they will steal or try to sabotage your success.

No truly happy person will try to bring drama and strife into your life. That's kind of why I'm not into prosecuting the man who raped me. I do blame myself for getting into that situation but at at the same time I know he was wrong for having sex with me when I said STOP- No! But I took the time to send him positive energy and I wished for his success. I know that sounds stupid but I don't think he's a bad person and I don't wish jail time for him or pain for his life. I'm over it.

The bright spot in my life right now is my job AND this older man I've been seeing. He's so different. I can't believe that I haven't successfully pushed him away yet. There seem to be a lot of difference like:

1) He doesn't call me just to talk.
2) He's so busy that I rarely see him because he does a lot of community work.
3) He's quiet.
4) He doesn't try to sleep with me.

I like him in a way, but maybe I'm more intrigued by him because he's so different and weird. Yesterday I spent time with him. He took me to lunch at this buffet and I loved it. Then he took me to the beach and let me talk and talk and talk. He's 20 years older than I am so I KNOW he has stories to share but he doesn't really talk, he just listens and smiles at me.

He called me, "Baby." I laughed. That was cute. His eyes light up when he sees me. I love that. He's also a caretaker, meaning, I have no worries when I'm with him. I think he'd chew my food if I needed it.

"Are you happy in life?" I asked him.

He was thoughtful before he replied, "Yes and No. There are some things I wish were different. Happiness is a journey."

"Happiness is a CHOICE!" I said emphatically. "You can choose happiness at any moment by the thoughts you choose to dwell on."

"I'm with you right now and that makes me happy," he said.

Smooth. So smooth. The older ladies should be jumping at being with him. He always says and does the right thing.

"Rap is irrelevant," I declared as he switched the radio station to Hip hop while we were cruising down Sheridan on our way to the beach.

"I said that 5 years ago," he said, casually changing lanes and stealing glances at me in the passenger seat.

"Yeah but I can't just say rap is irrelevant without adding something that IS relevant. It's stupid to make a criticism without a solution," I said.

"Well, talk about the economy," he suggested.

"The economy is a mind state," I told him.

"Well talk about imperialism," he said.

"What's that?"

"Something for you to look up."

So I did. And then engaged in an awesome conversation with Christina Fermin, one of the editorial writers for My Savvy Sisters. She is so freaking smart in all the ways I am not and I appreciate knowing her because she makes me more well rounded. My news coordinator Berlyne is like that too. I live in a bubble of philosophy and inspiration so without having them I wouldn't be knowledgable about the state of the world at all.

Anyway, it's after 2am and I need to get some sleep before the 5am wake up call.




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