Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Day 15: Barely Keeping My Head Up

Today was a fairly good day. It began with a call to 911. As soon as I got to my site to take donations, my chest tightened and I had trouble breathing.

The ambulance came and said that my air passages were clear and my oxygen saturation was at 100%. "Are you anxious about something?" the paramedic asked me.

I shook my head.

I made it back to the shelter and I felt better but then my spirits began to sink. All the negative thoughts I had been chasing away came flooding back in.

You need to do more!

You're wasting your time.

You're a failure again.

No one cares about your project!

You still only have TWO businesses! You suck!

I tried to fight them off but they got the best of me. Instead of crying my eyes out I decided to adopt a new perspective.

If I can't be successful in this project then I'll focus on something else. Maybe I'll turn my job fair into an opportunity for me to hold my first real motivational seminar. The room is already paid for. I'll invite everyone and tell them the story of my goals and my failure and how I will keep going.

I'm kinda of tired of the "keep going" attitude. I feel like I'm constantly dusting myself off and trying again. I know I have a good heart. I know I am living my destiny but I just want to show myself that I can do something good.

I haven't yet.

So I'm sad.

But through the sadness and disappointment with myself I pushed forward and made a new video. This video talks about how if you have nothing, you may as well reach for the stars. It's also the video I will use to promote myself to find myself a source of income.

My heart is flip flopping right now. I have half hope and half disappointment in myself. I wish that I could just do something good, do something right with my life.

I feel like I'm stuck. I can't believe people are writing me to tell me I am an inspiration. How? Nothing has turned out like I wanted it to yet.

I still have 2 weeks before the job fair. This week I'll hustle and see if I can get more businesses. Some say they'll think about it but I'm not getting any call backs. Maybe it's time to adjust.

I am hurting so much.

Well, you can watch today's video and forward it to anyone who may be able to utilize my gifts and talents, if you'd like. I'd really appreciate that.



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