Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Day 16: Project Updates & Emotions

I'm trying very hard not to break down right now.

When I first came I saw a woman with a 5 month old child living here. She told me that she was very private and wouldn't speak to me at all. I am respectful so I stayed out of her way.

Today I saw her in the cafeteria and she sat next to me, without her baby. She told the tale of being kicked out of this shelter and sent to a motel and then coming back to the shelter and child protective services taking her baby.

"I saw him today," she said and looked down at her hands. "They gave us an hour. "

This made me think back to my own sons and how grateful I am that they have a father who lives a conventional life. A year or so ago I would have told all kinds of horrible stories about him in an effort to show how mean he is, but none of that matters. What matters is the fact that he does a better job than I do at taking care of our sons right now.

For some reason I got this personality or this vision or this curse or this blessing, whatever you want to call it- I got it. It doesn't allow me to stay at jobs for long or to be satisfied with the status quo. It makes me feel insane when I have to do repetitive work and I feel like the walking dead when I have to work in an office setting.

I prayed for so long that I would change and fit in with the rest of the world. I was so tired of being different and feeling like an alien. Even here at the shelter, I'm the journalist but I'm also homeless. I'm different but I'm not.

I talk to the mentally ill people here more than anyone else because I want to see myself in them. I want to be up close and personal with them to give them the understanding and love I wish had been given to me.

I'll sit and listen to their ramblings and understand their plight because it mirrors mine. We think alike; a jumble of racing thoughts and frustrations that reflect our inconsistent attempts to be heard and understood in this world.

It may sound like random chatter to you, but it's our innermost light trying to explain, to shout, to let you see that we are good. We have good to give too.

If my best friend were reading this, she'd probably say, "Tee, you always find a way to identify with the underdog." Well, maybe I do.

I just want to understand people and connect with them because no one ever understands me or accepts me as I am. I'm told I'm beautiful all day every day but I've never been truly understood or appreciated for who I am.

I don't know. I guess I'm rambling. I posted a new video today of me talking about some of my frustrations. You wanna watch?



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