Tuesday, May 17, 2011

REBUILD: Another Awesome Day

Today was an awesome day!

I woke up, had breakfast and then set out to find more businesses to add to the Rebuild Your Life Job Fair for homeless women.

It was ridiculously hot but I added one more business to the roster so I believe today was a good day! I spent the rest of the day making follow up phone calls to the people I met yesterday. I feel so good in my heart right now.

I tried making a video about why Kanye West inspires me but I couldn't. It's weird. Every time I try to write about him or speak about him in sincerity, the words won't come out right.

3 weeks left until the job fair and I'll go out again tomorrow. I dream of making this a success and somehow figuring out how I can rebuild my own life. I dream of nights in a big bed cuddling with my sons.

I dream of nice dinners and clean sheets and having a home of my own. I dream of celebrating with women who have jobs because of me.

Tonight I sat out on the patio with the rest of the people in the shelter. We talked, joked and exchanged stories about growing up. There's a woman here named Peggy who I love listening to. She's Native American and she will sit next to me and lightly run her nails over my arms and my back and it feels like heaven on earth for real. There's something about a touch that makes me feel alive again. It reminds me that I'm real, that this experience is real and that I am human.

When my sons saw me they made jokes about me being dirty and homeless.

"Do I smell bad for real?" They asked.

"Your clothes do," my younger son said.

"Oh, that's because everyone at the shelter smokes."

But they let me kiss them and hug them and cuddle with them anyway. I felt so- um, normal.

I needed that.

My friend Anna sent me an email today after I wrote to her saying that I have no idea what I'm doing as I'm moving along with this project. Her words were very inspiring. She said, "That's the gift of it all...Not knowing what to do but knowing that you will succeed."

It's true. So true.

In the end, I KNOW in my heart that things will turn out well. The only problem is that I want it to happen NOW and I am unsure of the steps that I am taking. I often wonder if I am doing enough or if I am missing something. Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as destiny or if my sincere effort or prayer is what makes things work.

I always have questions that there is no real answer to. That's one of my favorite things to do- think about those types of questions and imagine all different types of answers.

I'm trying to hear my intuition, that guidance that told me to start this project. It sounds so sure and so certain and the only way I won't hear it is if I am fearful or emotionally stressed.

I smile all day. One of the other women in the shelter said it's because I go out and ask for donations by selling the Homeless Voice newspaper. I laughed. She's so right. When you're out there standing in the traffic you HAVE to wave and smile and you feel like you're in a parade as cars float by and you try to get them to donate. I feel like a STAR when I'm out there but it's hot as hell and my legs get tired. The crazy thing is, you're so used to smiling and waving that you tend to do it all the time.Even now as I walk down the street if a car honks at me, instead of rolling my eyes, I give them a smile and a wave.

The truth is, I maintain a joyful countenance simply because I choose to think about things that make me laugh. We all have thoughts that run through our minds consistently and we do have the power to choose which ones we allow to linger. I consciously CHOOSE to think happy thoughts.

I will remind myself of something my little sister said or a joke my sons told me or something funny that my Mama did. I'm always laughing to myself on the inside and that's why people think I'm so happy, which I am.

I choose to be happy. You can too.

Let me get back to reaching out to people to tell them about this project. The more women who can benefit from this information, the better.

All my love!




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