Sunday, May 15, 2011

REBUILD: I Went To Church

I spent the night with my boys last night.

We got a hotel room and cuddled and wrestled and smiled and laughed.

When I left them I was a little sad. I think it has to do with them driving away with their dad's new girlfriend. She's not as nutty as the last one. She takes better care of them and is nicer but at the same time I think I'm a bit jealous. I'm not jealous that she's with their daddy- she can have him and keep him the rest of her life- I think I'm jealous that she found someone who loves her and wants her and I have never experienced that.

Ok. Enough of that.

I'll get over it.

After I got back to the shelter I actually realized- damn- I missed seeing these people. I mean, I have no real FRIENDS like that, but I've come to love most of them. We're all in this place, we live together and we sleep together and I feel like I'm one of them too.

Even if they don't feel like it.

What's even crazier is, after I went out to try to get more businesses for the job fair, I came back and there was a church here offering us dinner. It was a wild experience and I realized that there is a lot of love for the homeless.

THEN- after I thought my day was done, I walked over to the patio and a lady told me they would have church tonight so I went. I haven't been to church in a LONG TIME.

I'm not religious but I remember what religion did for me which is why I believe that everyone should have a faith of some kind, as long as it truly connects them to the belief that they can overcome anything and they are loved.

When I went to church they sang and sang and I remembered that the worship part was what I loved most about church. It was a time to show gratitude to God (the source of all things). I sang my heart out, trying to recapture that feeling I used to have and it worked for the most part- a part of me was still absent.

I don't know what it is that I am missing.

I don't feel empty inside, I feel powerful most days. The service reminded me that there is a higher power that cares about me as an individual and the sermon was about forgiving and acknowledging God.

It was a very nice time tonight. The people here will never know that regardless of how I feel about their habits and dispositions, I love them ALL and if I could, I'd buy them all mansions so they can sit and rest and not have to worry about a thing.

I won't tell them that though.

I did another radio interview tonight. It was cool. I like the way my voice sounds and I didn't fumble like the first one. I really don't "get" what it is about the way I speak that makes people tell me I'm so inspirational. I've always been like this. I feel sooo regular. Well, not really. I know I'm spectacular but it's crazy that I don't see myself like others do. I don't feel gorgeous or beautiful. Whatever though.

I'm tired, but I'm kinda lonely sleeping in this trailor by myself.

While I was with my boys I asked for some guidance- a word of intuition to tell me what I will do next.

It came.

It's weird that when your intuition speaks it does not make sense at all. It scared me a little because I was annoyed that the next leg of my journey won't be so smooth. More struggle and more not knowing what is going to happen.

Ah, but that's the story of my life, I guess.



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