Thursday, April 7, 2011

COUNTDOWN: 3 Days

I changed my phone number today.

I have been looking forward to doing that for a while now. Why? Well, I really want to say goodbye to that old chapter in my life.

I sent a text to my parents, my sister, two other friends and the team I work with on My Savvy Sisters with my new number. I went down my contacts list and began deleting numbers I knew I would never call again.

I was relieved. No more phone calls from random dudes. No more surprise texts from people I worked with in the past. It's not like I'm ashamed of my past or angry with it, it's just I'm done with that.

I'm done with being that smaller, insignificant, worrisome version of who I am right now.

I scheduled the charity to come out on Saturday to pick up my clothes and the televisions that I have. All that is left after that is my bed.

I'm still not scared per se, but I have wondered what I will say to the media when they ask me questions. I don't know what to say. I guess I can only speak the truth from my heart.

I started this project because my intuition gave me the idea and I ran with it. It has healed me of my anxiety. It has freed me from being that shell of a woman I used to be. It has made me say goodbye to old habits and debilitating thought processes.

I am not a victim anymore.

I hope to help women break free from fear. I hope to raise money to help transform a woman's life. I hope to continue to work on this website and turn it into a real website soon. I want my kids to be proud of me and to know that their Mommy didn't struggle in vain. I promised them that I would get them back. That was nearly 5 years ago. Sometimes I still don't believe it can come true. Nothing ever really sticks for me. But I keep trying.

And trying.

And walking in circles. And pushing. And hoping. All the while knowing that I am special yet feeling the sadness of being special because there's no one around who understands me. They pretend they do but they don't. I don't even think most people know why they like me so much. Maybe it's my vibe. My vibe is magic.

I believe in magic. I am not afraid to fail. I've done that and I've always come back.

My sons are coming tomorrow. I'm going to have to be very creative to feed us this weekend but I think I can do it. I hate that when they come over I have a budget to stick to. I believe they should have all of their hearts desires and it brings me joy to give them what I can. I can't spoil them but I try to make it nice for them when they are here. Usually when they leave, I have no money left for my week and I eat ramen noodles until I can figure out what to do next.

I have a lot of work to do. I still have to contact shelters and speak to their directors to partner with me. Sean Canonie, the owner of the Homeless Voice sent me an email last night saying he promises to give $100 to The Rebuild Your Life Project, "just because you have the guts to do this." That made me smile.

I finished my editorial for tomorrow and I am already starting on next week. I need to research places with free internet so that I can have somewhere to work. I usually stay up all night writing and sleep in the morning but I'm not sure I'll be able to do that with nowhere to live.

Whatever.

I'm not afraid of getting dirty.

So that's where I am today.

2 comments:

You are a true inspiration to me and I wish you peace and blessings.. Courage doesn't always roar!

I'm so excited for you! You inspire me!

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