Saturday, June 18, 2011

REBUILD: More Life Lessons & Things I Think Are Dumb

So today was my first day of work at my 2nd job. As I watched videos and filled out paperwork I couldn't understand what happened with my efforts. If I could walk up to a job and get one, well, get two, then why aren't the women I'm trying to help getting them?

I had to sit down and really think about the women that I've met since I've been homeless. I had to evaluate my own attitudes and I had to replay the many conversations that I've had. I came up with 7 obstacles that hold women back from rebuilding their lives.

1. Depression
2. Lack of confidence
3. Lack of support
4. Lack of direction
5. Poor coping skills for stress
6. Criminal backgrounds
7. Concern For Safety

I decided to try to come up with solutions for them in hopes that women will recognize what they are lacking and be able to become unstuck. I swear, I sure do wish I had videos like these back when I was feeling like a victim and I hated myself every day.

What IS the difference between myself and the women I meet who can't find work? Is it the type of work we're looking for? I mean, I have two jobs as a server (waitress) so the jobs aren't that different. I think it's in our mentality.

I believe that I can move up and change my life and I present myself as such. So now I have to figure out how to help shift the beliefs of women. How can I awaken them?

Maybe my hopes to help women are a little bit self serving. Now that I think about it, if more women woke up and rose to stand in their power, I wouldn't feel like such a freak because I KNOW that my life is worth something and I LOVE being my best in every situation I encounter and I am not AFRAID TO SHINE!

I want other women to shine with me. It's lonely sitting in the clouds by myself. I want to meet other women who love to shine and be their best all the time and aren't worried about sabotoging others or being fake and phony to climb to the top. These women already know they ARE the top, they're the best of the crop and they don't have to do anything but open their eyes and they already won.

I want to meet women like that. That's how I am in my mind. I try not to focus on fighting the fights that I can't fight. Why sit there and point out every horrible thing about the world when you can't do anything about it afterwards?

That's dumb.

I talk about things I can take action towards. I connect with women who want a real connection. Phony people hate me. Average people hate me more. I don't hate anyone because I'm too into my own little world to put that much effort into someone else's petty behaviour.

Which brings me to my work situation.


One lady already came up to me at Denny's questioning me about my past. I was disgusted. I hate that shit. We're at work to WORK. Ewww. It's not like she was asking me what I like to do or what I hope to turn my life into. That chick was straight up asking me what I didn't like about my last job and all kind of negative crap and I had to stop her and say, "I just don't like when people at work come up to me talking about things that don't happen at WORK."

"Ok! I get it!" she said and jumped up, leaving the break room.

I hope she got it. I don't have time for that gossip shit. I'm the one who is usually gossiped ABOUT - I don't have time to listen to it too. They'll talk about me for the rest of their lives probably but I don't care, I'll be on to other things. If I had a dollar for everytime someone at one of my jobs said, "We were just talking about you yesterday," you know- I could buy a car right now.

It doesn't matter. I'm not that easy to get along with, basically because I see things differently. I don't follow the crowd. I don't like going along with the leader at work just so I can fit in. Fit in to WHAT? I'm not a follower. I don't wanna go to lunch. I don't wanna hang out on the weekend. I do care if you need a ride or are sad or in need but all the rest of that- you can have it. I have too much other stuff to think about. That's why most co workers don't like me. I don't play any of the social games required to be "liked" at work and I won't cuz it's dumb and I'm not THAT good of an actress to act phony all day.

So here's my video on releasing shame. I made it last night and I posted it today and I had a fit when I posted it because it has some WILD stuff on there but - man- it's just- fuck it.

Basically. I'm tired of having anxiety because I'm afraid to reveal who i am to people. I KNOW that my anxiety comes from being afraid to show my real self because I am always misunderstood and people become so ANGRY with me when I won't go play with them and hang with them. I never treat people badly but people get so ANGRY with me all the time because I won't join in their social activities but that's because I'm over getting drunk and high all the time. I don't watch TV- it's dumb. I don't listen to music for fun - Erykah Badu is for relaxation, Kanye for inspiration. I don't talk about pop culture because I don't care who won the game or American Idol. I don't even care about what happens on the news. It all seems to be about- Who died today and in what crazy way? I'm not entertained by misery.

See? Who'd want to talk to me. I'm no fun.

No fun, but I'm FREE.

sike. I'm a little nervous about putting myself out there like that but hell, it's done. I have to keep working.

That's what I'll do. No matter if it seems that no one is watching. Even if it seems that no one cares. Even if only one woman watches my videos, I'm going to keep making them until I think I'm done.

I'm just doing my part to help. For some reason, I feel like it's my responsibility. You can talk shit about me if you'd like.

Oh well.



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